Chilling Adventures of Sabrina‘s Big, Boring Holiday Special Has Us Asking: Who Is This Supposed to Be For?
Photo: Dean Buscher/Netflix
There is nothing I love more in serialized television than a Good Holiday Episode. Custom-built to be a fun, zippy miniature of the series it belongs to, a Good Holiday Episode will concentrate everything you love about a show into a glittering, character-rich bauble that will make you say, “Yes, this is the world—and these, the fictional weirdos who live in it—that I love.” Obviously, I am partial to television’s many and varied Halloween outings, but I’m no Grinch: Give me some excellent winter holiday magic and I’ll still be yours forever (or at least until the festive season ends).
It is thus with a heavy heart that I report that “A Midwinter’s Tale,” Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’s magic-filled contribution to the flood of original holiday content Netflix is trying its hand at this year, is not a Good Holiday Episode. For a dozen reasons, each equally to blame, “A Midwinter’s Tale,” rather than condensing the best elements of CAoS into a blackly glittering, witchy holiday treat, sees those elements evanesce into nothingness. I left the first half of the series’ debut season curious about where it might be going next. I left “A Midwinter’s Tale” baffled about how it might go anywhere next at all.
Here, as briefly as I can manage, is an outline of the episode: As both Christmas and the Winter Solstice approach, Sabrina Spellman (Kiernan Shipka) and her family prepare for the longest night of the year by lighting their evil-repelling family Yule Log, expositing all the while at excruciating length about the various plots they each left the fall finale entrenched in. Inspired by a photo ornament she finds of her baby self with her now-dead parents, Sabrina gets it in her head to conduct a seance to try to contact her mother, who, thanks to further bouts of exposition, we are reminded is stuck in limbo. Bafflingly, Sabrina first asks her human friends Susie (Lachlan Watson) and Ros (Jaz Sinclair) to help her conduct this seance, then, after they extremely understandably say no (“Is it too soon? Or too weird? Both?” Sabrina asks, shocked, when she sees the baffled horror on her friends’ faces. “Too soon,” says Susie. “Too weird,” says Ros), she goes on to ask the witchy Weird Sisters for help instead. In the course of the seance, ghostly wind blows the Spellmans’ Yule Log out, at which point a certain festive (and mildly cannibalistic) brand of hell breaks loose. There’s absolutely no need for more plot to be stuffed in, but while all this seance vs. Yule Log chaos is happening, Susie, basically stranded on a completely different show, has signed on to work as an elf in the local Santaland hot spot, where it ultimately turns out that (wouldn’t you know it) there’s a different kind of evil afoot. Harvey (Ross Lynch) and Madame Satan (Michelle Gomez) have nothing to do in any of these stories—literally, where would there be room?!—but they make appearances all the same.
Here’s the thing: A Good Holiday Episode needs to start with show’s characters in some kind of holding pattern. It’s not that major character or plot developments can’t happen during the episode—the Pretty Little Liars Christmas episode, for just one of my favorite examples, contained no fewer than twelve major character/mystery bombshells—but the familiar, strict outlines of holiday-based story arcs require that the characters at least start from a place of semi-calm normality. Holidays are about traditions, and the bones of those traditions need to be firmly in place for a Good Holiday Episode to have something solid to weave itself around.
Normal is not where Chilling Adventures of Sabrina left off. Where Chilling Adventures of Sabrina left off [SPOILERS] was Apocalypse nearly descending on Greendale, stopped only by Sabrina finally signing her name in the Dark Lord’s Satanic book mere moments after coming out to her friends as a witch—at which point her hair turned white, and her joy at living on the cliff’s edge of evil cranked up to eleven. Where Chilling Adventures of Sabrina left off was Zelda Spellman (Miranda Otto) absconding with the girl twin of the Herod-esque High Priest’s recently born babies, and Cousin Ambrose (Chance Perdomo) being roped into supporting the more misogynistic, revanchist faction of the coven, and Miss Wardwell revealing herself to the audience to be a scheming Madame Satan. Where Chilling Adventures of Sabrina left off was at the top of a cascading series of steeper and steeper cliffs, each one promising some really interesting emotional and narrative falls when the show returns early next year.
A series of steep cliffs does not the bones of a Good Holiday Episode make.