The Art of Self-Defense Strikes without Warning
Jesse Eisenberg goes from mumblecore to murder.

At his aunt’s wedding ceremony, my girlfriend’s 14-year-old son was disappointed that he didn’t get to have his hair garlanded with flowers as his three sisters did, but no worries: Somebody else forfeited their florid crown to him later in the evening, and he got a chance to sport it on the dance floor. It got back to him later that one of his relatives on the more conservative branch of the family tree was staring daggers at him the whole time. I kind of wish that it hadn’t gotten back to him.
Boys aren’t supposed to enjoy being fussed over or decorated, and boys who do need to be corrected, the thinking goes. Nobody asked my girlfriend’s son, or me, or you, what we think of this. If they had, I might mention the times I’ve gotten shit from people for liking to bake, or to sing, or have “The Entertainer” as a ringtone—all of which have prompted people to imply, disparagingly, that I might be gay. The Art of Self-Defense seems at first as if it’s just about how silly the axiomatic trappings of masculinity are. Then you realize that, no, it’s also about how scary they are, too.
Casey (Jesse Eisenberg, in a role seemingly written to fit him like a glove) is a squirrely man who works a boring job and finds himself at the bottom of every social pissing order he encounters, be it French tourists who ridicule him in the steadfast belief he couldn’t possibly understand their language (he can), or the jerks at the office who sit around talking shit. When he’s randomly attacked on a walk back home from the store, it knocks something loose in him, and he finds himself taking whatever steps necessary to protect himself, be it by buying a gun or wandering into the karate dojo of “Sensei” (Alessandro Nivola). Sensei’s straight-faced sophistry is exactly what a terrified, inadequate young man like Casey is searching for, and he quickly throws himself into the inner workings of the dojo to the exclusion of all his other responsibilities.
There was every opportunity for this to be nothing more than a romp through the objectively batshit world of low-rent martial arts instruction, a world in which I and just about every third person you’ve ever met has at some point dabbled before quietly slinking off—at one point Sensei presents Casey with his white belt with the utmost solemnity, adding after a pregnant pause that there is a $15 replacement fee if he loses it. Sensei regales his class with tales of the dojo’s late grandmaster in exactly the sort of terms you’d expect to hear anybody use when speaking about a cult leader. You expect to see Casey start clicking through YouTube videos of Joe Rogan making fun of fake MMA fighters at some point. The Art of Self-Defense is not that movie.