Okay, yes: this isn’t the most timely content you’ll read tonight. The most recent Democratic debate wrapped up over 24 hours ago, which, in this age of Trump, means there’s been like 15 major breaking news stories since then. (Seriously, the look on Trump’s face in that photo of Nancy Pelosi dressing him down in that meltdown meeting today is funnier than any of these tweets.) I was too busy getting absolutely hammered at the Star Wars bar at Disneyland to actually watch the debate, much less embed tweets about it (thanks again, cantina bartender who kept me pickled in Jet Juices all night). Still, I have a job to do, so sure, let’s do it. Last night’s debate seemed to highlight the gulf between Sanders and Warren and every other candidate, with the endless squabbling over how to fund Medicare for All the focus of most of the chatter. As a 10-year veteran of the insurance industry, let me tell you from experience that it basically needs to be razed and the earth it once stood on thoroughly salted. There are only two legitimate candidates at this point in the game, and I think I speak for most of America when I say that I wish they’d just go ahead and get married already. Even though they’re already married. I dunno, they can figure that out.
Hey, here are the tweets. If you like ‘em go follow the tweeters what tweeted ‘em.
Mayor Pete: Elizabeth Warren never says HOW she will pay for Medicare for all! Elizabeth Warren: Taxing the rich. Pete: You NEVER say how! Bernie: I wrote it. We’ll pay it with taxes. Instead of out of pocket. Klobochar: But HOW will we PAY for it?
The heart attack has only made Bernie stronger. At the end of this debate he’s going to levitate off stage for a few seconds before blasting into space and reversing the earth’s orbit Superman-style
Bernie had a heart attack because he’s legitimately outraged at our broken system. Any other candidate that hasn’t at least had a stroke clearly doesn’t give a shit about you or me.
Strongest #DemDebate moment was easily when Joe Biden came out dressed as Santa Claus but the bag had “socialism” written on it and then he said, “Too bad I’m not real!” and laughed, removing the hat to shake some hands in the front row.
You know how Tony Soprano after he got shot needed to prove he was strong again because everyone was sort of low-key disrespecting him, so he beat up that muscle-head dude and then puked blood in the bathroom? Bernie needs to do that to Booker tonight.
There are millions of Americans watching the debate holding pennants that say “MY INSURANCE COMPANY” and pumping their fists every time a candidate sticks up for insurance companies
the update on my mom is yesterday i asked her who she would vote for in the democratic primaries if she could and she thought about it for a second and then just said, “Susan.”
(she meant Elizabeth Warren, whose name is hereupon: “Susan.”)
they printed a special newspaper for Biden to read saying he did a real good job at the debate tonight so that he wouldn’t be too agitated before bed and forget how to use his sleep number mattress
“Senator Warren, we need a straightforward answer: Is that a cream blush or have you layered a little moisturizer over a powder to achieve this ‘dewey’ glow?”
If the candidate most attacked during a debate is actually the front-runner then the kids in my middle school must have been deathly afraid of my success
