The Funniest Tweets About the Jeff Sessions Hearing
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Earlier today Attorney General Jeff Sessions set a new land speed record for running away from questions during a hearing into the firing of James Comey and the Trump Administration’s ties to Russia. If you really miss those childhood visits to your grandpa at the nursing home, just go watch almost any question that Sessions was asked today, and you’ll remember what it’s like to watch a withered old-timer who can’t remember anything. Of course, in Sessions’s case, this isn’t memory loss or age-related befuddlement but blatant stonewalling. “I don’t recall” is what you say when you don’t want to tell the truth but really don’t want to lie under oath, and that’s about all the man did say today. Twitter, as always, reacted in good faith and cheer to the proceedings, with a strong stream of mockery, derision and indignation rushing out throughout the afternoon. Here’s the best of ‘em all.
When you’re so famous for being a shithead, you get roasted in the trending topics. #SessionsHearingpic.twitter.com/kK4GH90Z9L
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) June 13, 2017
“mr. sessions, have you ever fucked”
“I don’t reca—WAIT A MINUTE
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) June 13, 2017
I’d like to see proof that Jeff Sessions wasn’t born inside a glass of sweet tea
— Caleb Synan (@CalebSynan) June 13, 2017
Sessions is happy to answer ANY QUESTIONS except those which violate a policy he hasn’t read and might be written down but he isn’t sure
— Judd Legum (@JuddLegum) June 13, 2017
I’m still angry at Jeff Sessions for slicing Jack Nicholson’s nose in Chinatown.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) June 13, 2017
Jeff Sessions is so old timey racist that he’s probably tried to “Get Out” an Italian guy.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) June 13, 2017
RUBIO: Attorney General, does Trump still call me “Little Marco” behind my back?
SESSIONS: Yes.
RUBIO: No further questions.
tears— Tim Duffy™ (@TimDuffy) June 13, 2017
Not loving this Muppet Show reboot. #SessionsHearingpic.twitter.com/1GgLveCLi8
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) June 13, 2017
Kamala Harris got jeff sessions so tight he’s about to speak in banjo
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) June 13, 2017
I know Geppetto regrets creating jeff sessions
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) June 13, 2017
Why does Sessions keep holding up a paper with triple parentheses ((( ))) on it every time he says Rod Rosenstein’s name? #Sessionshearing
— Rory Albanese (@RoryAlbanese) June 13, 2017
DRINKING GAME: Every time Jeff Sessions takes a sip of water he just finished lying to Congress under oath
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 13, 2017
Every pothead Jeff Sessions wants to throw in jail has a better memory than Jeff Sessions
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) June 13, 2017
this is what republicans see while watching the #SessionsHearingpic.twitter.com/nxjoWctx0r
— John DeVore (@JohnDeVore) June 13, 2017
this is what democrats see while watching the #SessionsHearingpic.twitter.com/CDAMvoTiue
— John DeVore (@JohnDeVore) June 13, 2017
Jeff Sessions is a case of the vapors.
— Maureen Johnson (@maureenjohnson) June 13, 2017
I’m at work so I can’t watch the Sessions hearings. Has anybody called him E.L. Fucked yet?
— Tronald Dump (@ChrisCubas) June 13, 2017
Sessions seems to have a memory like a steel sieve #SessionsHearing
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) June 13, 2017
Lock him up pic.twitter.com/G8kf08EttU
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) June 13, 2017
Mr Sessions, are you or are you not the oldest little boy in the world
— Erin ????Gloria???? Ryan (@morninggloria) June 13, 2017
Sessions has a tiny keyboard on the back of his head & that lady is just typing his answers into his brain in real time. #sessionshearingpic.twitter.com/pa133qSUXY
— Rory Albanese (@RoryAlbanese) June 13, 2017
Jeff Sessions is one cardigan sweater away from being a Jeff Dunham puppet. #SessionsHearing
— Chris Franjola (@ChrisFranjola) June 13, 2017
when you have to testify why the cookies only have a single stripe instead of a double stripe #SessionsHearingpic.twitter.com/KXuIoOiATz
— shauna (@goldengateblond) June 13, 2017
To be fair it’s probably hard for Sessions to remember lots of things given the stress of having to be constantly on guard from hungry owls
— maura quint (@behindyourback) June 13, 2017
Jeff Sessions is like if Disney re-released Song of the South as a person.
— Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) June 13, 2017
When Jeff Sessions perjures himself pic.twitter.com/SVxMTjFLEb
— mike mulloy (@fakemikemulloy) June 13, 2017