Here Is Every Punch Line in the Trailer for the New Seinfeld Special

Netflix just released the trailer for Seinfeld Before Jerry, the first of Jerry Seinfeld’s two new hourlong specials with the service. Based on the trailer, I think it’s safe to say that when the special comes out next month, we’ll finally get the Seinfeld backstory we’ve been clamoring for: that’s right, the story of a middle-class Jewish kid who grew up in New York in the 1960s.

Netflix reportedly shelled out a cool hundred million smackers for these two specials and Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee, which comes out to about $33 million for this special alone. If my calculations are correct, that makes each second of Jerry Before Seinfeld worth about $9,259, or the approximate cost of 154 galleries of the week’s funniest tweets. Let’s see what a ten-thousand-dollar punchline looks like in 2017, shall we?

Below is every punch line in the trailer. By “punch line’ I mean a line followed by a break for laughter, as opposed to rolling laughter as Seinfeld continues the joke. A few of punchlines are preceded by brief setups, which I’ve left out; most of them appeared without context. Do I need to explain how a stand-up special trailer works? I don’t think I do. You are smart and savvy consumers, perhaps even the smartest and savviest. In any case, each of these lines is worth between _{$9,000 and} $83,300. Together they are worth more than most of us will make in several years.

“I only had one joke that worked, which I’m gonna do for you right now.”
4 seconds x $9,259 = $37,036

“We move out from the city to on Long Island. Long Island is one of those places, you can’t get in it. You just stay on it.”
7 seconds x $9,259 = $64,813

“Would I have been funnier if I grew up in Peoria in a whorehouse raised by prostitutes? Absolutely. But this is what I had to work with.”
7 seconds x $9,259 = $64,813

“We grew up like wild dogs in the 60s! No helmets, no seat belts, no restraints!”
6 seconds x $9,259 = $55,554

“Cookie crisp! It’s not like cookie, it is cookie.”
3 seconds x $9,259 = $27,777

“I was either eating 100% sugar or airborne.”
4 seconds x $9,259 = $37,036

“Okay Jim, this one’s gonna be coming a little bit faster now!”
3 seconds x $9,259 = $27,777

“It was like my little gay closet moment: “Mom, Dad, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m, I’m a funny person.’
5 seconds x $9,259 = 46,295

“They cut a little hole for us so we could stick our head in and see what is going on, ‘cause you want your eye blinking and tearing when you’re going backwards down a staircase holding a wall unit.”
9 seconds x $9,259 = $83,331

Well, there you have it: nine punchlines, a cool $379,619. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the comedy boom.