Me Pretty Girl. Pretty girl simple. Pretty girl not creative. Pretty girl hear “You’re pretty, you don’t have to be funny!” and get flattered. Tee hee! You strong man, capable of best compliments. Pretty girl honored by your smelly attention. Pretty girl can’t funny, pretty girl too busy pretty-ing!
Pretty girl make joke. You like joke? You like because girl pretty. Pretty girl trust no man! Nothing pretty girl say will be heard by man. Pretty girl can’t funny because pretty boobs too booby. How can I funny with big booby boobs? Blood goes from brain to boobs. Big bouncy boobs. Booby booby boob. What was pretty boob saying? Booby girl don’t remember any boob! Boob’s all boob to boob!
Pretty girl knows all funny is held in penis. Without penis how pretty girl be funny? How pretty girl tell hilarious joke about difference between you big man and me pretty girl? How pretty girl hump inanimate object? How pretty girl wear smelly cargo shorts onstage? Big manly penis jokes are all funny is. The world of funny so small. Also, pretty girl can’t funny fart. Pretty girl have no butt hole.
Pretty girl exceed your expectations at every times. Why you expect so low? Why expect pretty girl not speak? Why expect pretty girl not joke? The prettier a pretty girl, the smaller her vocal chords. Some girl so pretty, they only capable of saying “wow, that’s amazing!” in response to your impressive reddit gold. They only capable of dropping to knees after watching your Youtube sword fight stunts. You big testosterone man, make pretty girl stupid! When pretty girl say something, it impressive because pretty girl must fight insane strong desire for you in order to form sentences.
Ugly girl smart because you don’t want get close to her. Pretty girl stupid because you big man, too scared to sex with smarty pants! Pretty girl think “ugly girl” subjective. Pretty girl think you would totally sex ugly girl. Pretty girl know you not discerning. You just scared. You big man, raised to think you should be better than woman. Therefore pretty girl is stupid.
Pretty girl can’t call self pretty? But you say! Pretty girl can’t like self, but can’t insult self either. Pretty girl must be all things to all man. Pretty girl walking a tightrope! Must be modest but must be self assured. Must be quiet but must ask questions. Must have strong opinion but must not oppose man opinion. Must be pretty but must not think self pretty. Must be pretty but must not makeup. Must be pretty but must not work out or try be pretty. Must be smart but stupider than you, because me pretty girl!!
Pretty girl never ask your opinion, but always want it, please!! Pretty girl pretty for YOU! Please tell pretty girl all about ideal weight and wardrobe. Pretty girl need to know. Pretty girl only not smiling because pretty girl thought you wanted frown! Pretty girl not want live her own life. Pretty girl want to please strange man who approach her! You big man, holder of objective opinion. Pretty girl must listen. You big man, entitled to pretty girl time and pretty girl life changes.
Pretty girl in competition with all other girls for attention from you, big man! You insult other girl to impress pretty girl. You insult pretty girl intelligence…
…PRETTY GIRL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH!!!
Must impress you! Must fight other girl! MUST FIIIIGHT. IMPRESS BIG MAN. GO TO BATHROOM AND PRETTY PAINT. PUNCH ALL OTHER GIRL FOR MIRROR SPACE. You big special sex prize for prettiest girl.
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PRETTY GIRL JUST A BUNCH OF HOLES TO YOU!!!
Hana Michels is a comedian in Los Angeles.