Repression has a side effect: avoiding one’s sexual urges often strengthens them and brings about new ones. When you’ve lived a sexually repressed life, shame just makes everything hotter. This is why Mike Pence is turned on by oh so many things! We managed to procure a list of the various things that turn on Mike Pence now!
1. The Touch of a Newspaper
Repression can become so strong that even the most mundane or unsexy touches can arouse a man such as Mike Pence. Mike simply loves the dry pulp of the paper, the slight grit from the ink, and the way it absorbs any and all moisture from his fingertips, no matter how many times he licks them to turn the pages. Plus, he gets off on savings from the Penny Saver coupons that are stuffed in there.
2. Eating a Meal Without Mother
Consuming food? Without your wife? The mind reels! The outright naughtiness of giving yourself nutrition without your spouse around is downright scandalous and sexy to someone like Mike, regardless of whether it is alone or with other men. How can a person of good standing eat food without the mindful, ever-present gaze of their wife always upon them? This “forbidden” act only makes things more salacious for Mr. Pence.
When you grow up starved for human touch and are denied it due to the Great Gay Fear of 1970s Indiana, even the most Amish of greetings can spring up a boner. Since hip-to-hip frontal contact didn’t allow room for Jesus, hip-to-hip side contact would have to do. Even today, the sight of a Red Rover game gives Pence goosebumps.
4. Nails On The Door Of A Freshly Closed Women’s Clinic
Hammering in nails can seem sexual if you really, desperately want it to be. So can women’s healthcare! Nothing brings greater pleasure to Mike Pence than seeing the nails on the door of a boarded up health clinic, and picturing them slide slowly and surely into the wood. This makes Mike get as wet as the tears that stream down the faces of newly unemployed doctors and uninsured women.
5. The Freshly Cropped Tail Of A Standard Poodle
Mike Pence owns season tickets to the annual Westminster Dog Show, where humans callously display the inbred genetic spectacles we’ve achieved through years of forcing dogs to fuck. Mike Pence finds this concept of genetic force-fucking super hot. Especially hot to him is the freshly cropped, curly tail of a standard poodle. Oddly, we no longer use poodles as water retrievers, and therefore no longer need to crop their tails, yet dog breeders still do it anyway. Luckily for Pence, the practice illogically continues, so he can still be turned by this frivolous cruelty.
6. Holding In Pee Just A Little Longer Than Is Healthy
Mike Pence never took a science class, much less studied biology and anatomy. As a result, he thinks his bladder is part of his “indoor penis.” Letting the size of his indoor penis expand just a little more than is necessary is very sexy to him. Plus the relief after hours of urinary denial is as joyful as when he got Steven Curtis Chapman tickets on Easter Sunday. Someday his bladder will be so bloated he’ll wear his pants up under his nipples without need for a belt. And that day is next week.
7. Not Knives, But the Idea of Knives
You know, like, imagining the plunge of a knife into a man’s abdomen that’s forceful and powerful and then it gushes? Like really getting in there deep and letting the blood lubricate the blade as you thrust it in and out, over and over again until you are sweaty and satisfied because you actually felt something for once in your damn life? That. It’s that. You can relate, right? Not actually stabbing a thing, that’s just monstrous and sick. But the idea of it… that could awaken something within a person like Mike Pence.
8. The Theme Song to Matlock
Just listen to that theme.
The down-home folksy nature of this television theme is enough for Mike to gain enough gumption for a night with Mother. The bleating of the Dixieland bass trombone is a great lovemaking soundtrack for Pence as he thrusts in the missionary position while imagining the haggard grin of Andy Griffith looking on with approval. The Matlock theme works so well for him that he climaxes in sync with the slide whistle at the end every time.
9. Using A Hushed Tone Whenever He Says “Black Person”
Whispers are hot, and Mike Pence never whispers more than when he’s talking about black people. Discomfort is also hot (at least to Pence) and nothing makes Mike Pence more uncomfortable than knowing black people exist and therefore sometimes he has to say “black people.” When those hushed WASPy tones leave Mike Pence’s lips he always gets a little titillated (Note: He also enjoys the word titillated.)
10. The Look In A Trans Girl’s Eyes When She Doesn’t Make Prom Queen
Supposedly, Mike Pence toured high schools as governor to mingle with the students and intimidate the science teachers. But the real reason Mike Pence went to high schools across Indiana was to watch prom king and queen announcements on the off chance that he could catch tears in the eyes of a transgender student who turned out to be slightly less popular than one of their cis counterparts. Seeing a dejected look in a trangender teen’s eyes is second only to touching his mother’s mothball scented pantyhose in the pantheon of “Things that turn on Mike Pence.”
Of course, sometimes a trans girl would win prom queen. When that would happen, Mike Pence would run to the bathroom and give himself a swirlie in the toilet as a penance to Jesus, who was obviously punishing him. Two swirlies if he discovered a trans man in the bathroom with him due to lax bathroom laws.
11. The Eyes of a Freshly Killed Deer
Power can feel sexy, and for Pence, nothing feels more powerful than killing a deer in its prime. Have you ever looked into the eyes of a dying animal? There’s nothing like the power you feel after seeing the fear and soul of a deer’s eyes melt away as the specter of death overtakes it. Most people hunt for game or for meat. Mike Pence hunts because it’s boner fuel.
12. The Knobs On the Ends of Staircases A.K.A. “Wood Boobs”
Like many of Mike Pence’s paraphilias, the sexual attraction to those knobs at the end of handrails of staircases was likely due to lack of human contact. The smoothness of the knob due to the wood lacquer and the roundness made a fine boob substitute for Mike, especially when he could pretend that the decorative dollop at the top of the knob was a nipple. Sadly, as an adult, he couldn’t appreciate real boobs due to their lack of hardness and pine scent.
13. The Taste of a Wedding Cake Denied to a Gay Couple
What tastes better than something someone else can’t have? Especially when they aren’t able to have it due to bigoted business practices! The sweetness of the cake blends in well with the savory, salty tears of a homosexual couple that just wants the same rights that any heterosexual would have. Just give Mike a slice of any cake with two miniature grooms on it and watch him wolf it down as blood rushes into his loins.
14. Freshly Unwrapped Mothballs
Nothing brings Pence back to his childhood with mother (not his wife “Mother,” his actual mother) than the smell of a freshly unpackaged moth ball. Mike Pence was in his mom’s closet with mothballs the first time he ever thought about maybe having an erection someday. After he got done flogging himself for thinking such a sinful thing, he realized that a mothball’s scent would be a part of his sexuality for a long time.
15. His Cortisone Cream For That Thing
Mike Pence insists on wearing long underwear underneath his clothes no matter what the occasion (he cuts a hole in it for sex with his spouse, which you’ll notice is not on this list.) It’s like Mormon magic underwear, but hotter and with more chafing. After being unable to talk Pence out of constantly wearing long underwear with little booties on the ends, his dermatologist gave him prescription strength cortisone cream to help control the chafing. Rubbing that cortisone cream on his body is one of the few pleasures Mike Pence will ever allow himself.
16. This Horse
You may be asking “How do I keep myself from becoming Mike Pence, simultaneously turned on and shamed by anything and everything he sees?” Simple. Accept yourself. Accept your quirks. Express yourself and explore your sexuality in healthy ways. Also, take Sex Ed. The real kind, not the “Abstinence Only” kind. You don’t have an “indoor penis.” Nobody has an “indoor penis.” Penises are “outdoors” unless you discover you’re into certain things and that’s cool. That said, please prevent Mike Pence from getting congress to regulate gay people’s indoor penises.
Hana Michels is a comedian in Los Angeles.
Erik W. Barnes is on Twitter @ErikWBarnes.