What to Expect When You’re Expecting a Nuclear Apocalypse

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Wow, we’re so excited for you! First things first, you’re going to have to figure out if you’re actually expecting nuclear annihilation. There are always a few classic warning signs that a bundle of hellfire is about to enter your life. Maybe the President paraded the nuclear football around his private country club and let car dealership owners and dentists take photos with it like it’s the goddamn Stanley Cup. Maybe that same president boasted about the size of his nuclear launch button on Twitter for some reason. Maybe that launch button discussion was part of an extended penis size metaphor.

Whatever the case may be, we congratulate you on your impending disintegration. It sounds like a nuclear holocaust is definitely in your future. As the weeks and months pass, you’ll notice more and more changes in your society as the global economy collapses, country borders become blurred, and humanity adapts to a system of tribal alliances. For now, just sit back, relax, and enjoy the beginning of one of the most horrifying adventures on which one can go!

WEEK 1

It may not totally feel like the world as you know it will soon be completely engulfed in fire, but trust us, it’s coming. The countdown to nuclear annihilation begins this week. It’s extremely hard to pinpoint the precise moment that your global death countdown began. What isn’t hard to pinpoint, however, is the first time the President proclaimed that a country with recently-acquired nuclear capabilities will be met with “fire and fury like the world has never seen.” It looks like that occurred for you on August 8th, 2017. Aw! You’re going to have an early-May nuclear holocaust!

WEEK 9

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It may still be early, but it’s really starting to feel like this thing is happening, huh? Now would be a good time to begin stockpiling canned provisions and figuring out a good fallout shelter option. It may feel early, but even as we speak, your world as you know it is going through a miraculous transformation from a relatively peaceful environment to a fully-fertilized nightmare hellscape. Within days, a news story should come out about how the White House Chief of Staff is fully prepared to physically tackle the President should he attempt to lunge for the nuclear football. Once that occurs, you’ll only have about seven more months—give or take—to go. Cherish these last moments because your life will soon mostly be scavenging for food and fighting off radioactive monster-people.

WEEK 10

Members of Congress are starting to condemn the President’s inflammatory comments. They know what’s happening here. Your impending nuclear holocaust has grown significantly in the last few days. Like we said, make sure to stock up on canned goods and maybe even a big knife. We can’t stress enough how quickly the rest of the timeline will speed by.

WEEK 18

It’s right about at this point that pundits, folks in government, and the general public will start to realize that if the President wants nuclear war, virtually no one can stop him. Welcome to the middle of the second trimester! There is no law that would make the President’s push of the nuclear button an illegal act. Four months into this gestation period, it’s safe to say that this nuclear apocalypse is definitely coming. It’s starting to stretch its legs. This thing now has momentum and strength. Do you feel those kicks? They are the kicks of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Well, the kicks of their horses, to be exact. How exciting!

WEEK 32

You’re just about to finish month seven of this horrible waiting game where the prize at the end is decimation! Hooray! This nuclear apocalypse is getting bigger by the day. The war drums are being struck louder and louder. We hope you’ve managed to secure yourself a nuclear hideout and an acceptable survival kit. Don’t forget to stock up on water! There’s no stopping this nuclear apocalypse now.

WEEK 39

By now, the nuclear attack sirens are blaring all throughout the country. Nuclear annihilation is imminent. Only a few more days until this miracle of death enters the world. Thank you for letting us accompany you on this magical journey. Although you’ve reached the end of this adventure, you’re about to embark on a whole new adventure: surviving in a post-Armageddon world. From here on out, you’re on your own. Godspeed.

Bob Vulfov is a comedian and writer who lives in Brooklyn, NY. His website is way fancier than he is: bobvulfov.com.