It’s dumbass daylight savings time again. The only thing worse than the sun setting at 6pm is this new Twitter refresh horror that’s made catching up on the day’s best tweets as hard as catching up with a friend from high school that you’re honestly fine drifting away from. While we are in the business of funny tweets, this week’s hero is @3vanSutton (and his source) for sharing a 97% successful solution to this hell. Save yourself by doing this: settings and privacy > accessibility > select “reduce motion.” Now, let’s bask in the glow of all the glorious tweets you probably missed this week due to this nonsense.
i’m a writer which means i can be witty in conversation but only if you give me 20 minutes to respond after everything you say.
being straight is exhausting you message a guy on tinder like “cute dog” and he’ll reply “thanks haha you wanna come over and ride this dick reverse cowgirl til you bleed organs” no man go to therapy jesus fuck
Grabbed a towel after my shower and realized too late it had body spray all over it from one of my sons. Going into this table read smelling like checks label BearFight, my apologies for the amt of pussy I’m about to slay.
me entering a fancy cheese home Them: Hi, we are a fancy cheese home plz take your shoes off but socks on. Do NOT mention Malcom Gladwell, mark your bday on the Ansel Adams calendar (WITH time) we will look up your birth chart once you leave. Do not sit on the Shaker furniture
everyday i see a feral cat when i get home and no matter how much i pspspspsp he never comes. but one day u will answer my pspspsp and i will pat ur head u stupid fucken cat
This weekend a woman asked my group of friends if any of us had a vibrator on us and when we all said no she asked me if I would go down on her and I was honestly so offended to be second choice to a sex toy that I only got her off once.