How about that eclipse, huh? The sun totally didn’t see that coming. The moon did what man has striven for for millennia: it blotted that dumb blinding blob right out of the sky. Stupid sun.
Sadly the moment has already passed. Helios has reconvened his eternal assault upon our unsuspecting skin. The sun burns us once again. Shit.
Fortunately technology is not as fleeting as the cosmic ballet. These tweets will endure forever, whose sneer of cold command tell that their tweeters well those passions read which yet survive, or whatever. They’re timeless, unlike the eclipse, which fizzled out like a wet bottle rocket.
Get pumped for the chucks.
During the eclipse, DO NOT look right at the sun. Make yourself look big, make noise, and back away slowly. Don’t provoke a solar attack.
— Charles Bergquist (@cbquist) August 21, 2017
After today there will be two kinds of people in this world: people who saw the eclipse, and people I want to talk to at parties
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) August 21, 2017
I have made an eclipse viewer using whatever holy book is most important to you.
— River Clegg (@RiverClegg) August 21, 2017
Pffft… ??scientists?? say not to stare at the sun during the #eclipse. Are you really gonna let a bunch of nerds tell you what to do?
— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) August 21, 2017
Oh come on, it looks like the eclipse has all just been a marketing stunt pic.twitter.com/qerKFk6Xio
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) August 21, 2017
celebrating the eclipse by blocking anyone who tries to son me today
— Mina Kimes (@minakimes) August 21, 2017
I can’t look directly at the eclipse OR Steve Harvey???
— aaron blitzstein (@BlitznBeans) August 21, 2017
Still time to call your coworker a witch and blame the eclipse on them
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) August 21, 2017
Huge congrats to the Eclipse.
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) August 21, 2017
maybe the eclipse should be careful of looking at me
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) August 21, 2017
The sun never went out when Obama was president, is all I’m saying
— Oliver Willis (@owillis) August 21, 2017
I looked directly at the eclipse & it was just a giant Calvin pissing on the moon.
— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) August 21, 2017
We live in a world where doomed-to-fail sitcoms with Elliot Gould are more common than solar eclipses, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
— Mitsubishi Eclipse (@keisertroll) August 21, 2017
worried Barron Trump may have seen a picture of the eclipse and now thinks the sun is dead
— albro (@bromanconsul) August 21, 2017
Someone please tell Donald Trump that Barack Obama said it’s bad to look directly at a solar eclipse.
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) August 21, 2017
ok i’m back on board with the whole eclipse thing https://t.co/He9YGBaQNgpic.twitter.com/AY0CBpPay1
— pilot (@pilotbacon) August 21, 2017
I’d watch the eclipse but I don’t want people to know my cereal is Fiber One.
— Josh Comers (@joshcomers) August 21, 2017
How long do you have to look at the eclipse to achieve orgasm?
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) August 21, 2017
Advance condolences to all the women about to endure months of guys in bars pulling out eclipse glasses to view their “blinding hotness.”
— Johnny McNulty (@JohnnyMcNulty) August 21, 2017
Elton John has lived his entire life in fear he’d forget eclipse day. pic.twitter.com/LUhKn3k0lt
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) August 21, 2017
Are there any ancient scrolls about how boring this shit is? #eclipse
— Jon Daly (@jondaly) August 21, 2017
Can’t wait till this eclipse nonsense is over and I can go back to staring at the sun for hours.
— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) August 21, 2017
here is the funniest eclipse joke: that stillgray guy thought women menstruated for two weeks
— ???? Dollars Horton ???? (@crushingbort) August 21, 2017
You have to give the eclipse six episodes before it gets good
— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) August 21, 2017
I am writing down all your best eclipse jokes and I am going to own the 2024 eclipse.
— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) August 21, 2017
That eclipse was the Y2K of Rachel Maddow’s Trump tax reveal. #SolarEclipse2017
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) August 21, 2017
fox news reports the eclipse is fake the moon is being paid
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 21, 2017
And now New York’s homeless population gets a lifetime supply of disposable eclipse glasses
— Bobby Big Wheel (@BobbyBigWheel) August 21, 2017