Well folks, here we are again: me writing this paragraph, you reading it. I’m not thrilled about it either but if I don’t write enough words then we won’t show up on search. And then nobody wins, least of all me. But also, by proxy, you. Which brings us back to the beginning, the duality at the heart of it all: Writer, reader. Tweet aggregator, tweet consumer. Light, dark. Apple, orange. Jost, Che. Wheat, thin. The lady in The Shape of Water, the fish-man in The Shape of Water. The eternal saga continues…
me: lmao (classic, stands the test of time)
you: rofl (irrelevant after 3 years, tried to make comeback as “roflcopter”)
— nicole boyce (@nicolewboyce) March 7, 2018
go ahead. keep screaming “Shut The Fuck Up ” at me. it only makes my opinions Worse
— wint (@dril) March 10, 2018
why women think marriage is a trap: it’s basically the transfer of ownership of a woman from her father to her husband, u have to take of ur husband’s family, and u become responsible for both families’ honor
why men think marriage is a trap: my wife wants to spend time w/ me— rei (@tunahater) March 9, 2018
lasagna is the only food that is a pie, cake, and sandwich
— hot topic toilet mistake (@hottestriffs) March 10, 2018
daylight saving time fuckin shits all over standard time. everyone i know is a big dst-head. standard time pisses its pants and dst is the real shit. when standard time comes we all hate it. standard time has a briefcase with a single poop in it. no one respects standard time
— jon hendren (@fart) March 11, 2018
They’re saying Martin Shkreli is going to prison for fraud, but I, I actually heard that, he’s actually in trouble for bringing a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 on a plane…!
— Track Suit Eliot (@alexqarbuckle) March 9, 2018
liberals think Trump meeting with Kim Jong-un will cause a crisis, while conservatives think Trump will cow Kim Jong-un into peace with his powerful presence, meanwhile I’ve been paying attention for two years and am open to the idea of just something remarkably stupid happening
— Michæl Lu†z (@WarrenIsDead) March 10, 2018
— Chanel (@circusgoth) March 10, 2018
starting to get worried. he hasn’t tweeted in 2.5 years pic.twitter.com/L34DnYp6y0
— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) March 9, 2018
it’s adam and EVE not adam and WCDONALDS
— sara????????june (@heysarajune) March 8, 2018
Just watched a really fucked up movie. It’s about a guy that is kind of the good guy but he’s got a dark past that kind of paints him as a bad guy, but he’s like the main guy so you have to root for him, because it turns out there’s a guy worse than him and that’s the bad guy.
— COLiN BURGESS (@Colinoscopy) March 8, 2018
It’s so crazy that so many people are wrong about stuff and none of them are me
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 7, 2018
Allow me to set the record straight: Ready Player One is BAD but my fanart “Schrödinger’s Filburt” which depicts the turtle from Rocko’s Modern Life simultaneously pregnant and barren is GOOD
— brans????n reese (@bransonreese) March 8, 2018
NOW YOU CALL ME BY YOUR NAME 2
— fran hoepfner (@franhoepfner) March 7, 2018
I’ve found it. The most libertarian internet post of all time. pic.twitter.com/8SZoP1RdMQ
— Nate Diorio, Blockchain Prenup Expert (@DIorioNathaniel) March 7, 2018
Top 3 Jellicle cats:
3. Bombcyclone
2. Skimbleshanks
1. Thundersnow— Tim Federle (@TimFederle) March 7, 2018
MY MOM’S RATING SYSTEM FOR STAND-UP COMEDIANS EXPLAINED:
“Just stupid” – Really didn’t like
“Weird” – Didn’t like
“Just okay” – Perfectly fine
“I just about peed my pants” – Very funny
“Cuckoo bananas” – The pinnacle of humor— WILL WELDON (0-32) (@oldmanweldon) March 7, 2018
Incredibly honored and overwhelmed to have been profiled in The New Yorker pic.twitter.com/yON5YLaF8Y
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) March 7, 2018
my favourite past time is reading the replies of people about their own personal encounters with michael shannon under articles and headlines about michael shannon pic.twitter.com/5hUbP4VeTG
— kyra (@qrandbudapest) March 7, 2018
Jordan Peele: I quit writing Get Out twenty times before I finally finished it
Me, a wildly untalented hack: this is inspiring, the only obstacle to my success is follow through— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) March 6, 2018
jughead’s real name is jouglas
— Julie Mandel-Folly (@JulieHMF) March 7, 2018
I made a relateable image pic.twitter.com/384sXHPHYd
— Chanel (@circusgoth) March 6, 2018
WORD pic.twitter.com/VtTTZgeG1c
— ????????????RisasPieces???????????? (@RisasPieces6) March 5, 2018
me: wow mobile deposit is so easy and convenient
2hrs later: pic.twitter.com/dlWK3wOXTQ
— Shannon Odell (@shodell) March 6, 2018
me: i hope i am remembered
70 yrs later
We at Knickerbocker Bagel would like to honor the life of JEREMY LEVICK by making his signature order free today. everyone enjoy “the jeremy”
everyone: hey what the fuck is this egg on cinnamon raisin. man fuck this guy. im glad hes dead
— jeremy levick (@levickjeremy) March 6, 2018
fine, i’ll say it: the mueller investigation is starting to lose focus pic.twitter.com/GhhvToawbU
— Josh Fruhlinger (@jfruh) March 6, 2018
.@geico please stop introducing new mascots. just be happy with what you have.
— Michelle Spies It’s Not Pronounced How You Think (@spies_please) March 6, 2018
outstanding pic.twitter.com/ExBDvixuzV
— jon hendren (@fart) March 6, 2018
My friend saw these signs…I wonder what Jimmy did pic.twitter.com/xgVk9jlQiu
— Dan (@dankmtl) March 5, 2018
“whenever Sam Nunberg’s not on screen, all the other characters should be asking, where’s Sam Nunberg?” pic.twitter.com/fosGrYMEwp
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) March 5, 2018
when you catch a big juicy worm and worry that the other birds will swoop down and steal it pic.twitter.com/HOxFqrJEd3
— shamed, confused, time dilated (@direlog) March 5, 2018
k but what if guillermo directed seinfeld pic.twitter.com/aPMzm00ui7
— Seinfeld Current Day (@Seinfeld2000) March 5, 2018