Wow—what a hard week. First Maggie Haberman left Twitter, then James Gunn left Guardians of the Galaxy 3. And to top it all off, all that mysterious black sarcophagus contained was a boring old dead family covered in slime! Let’s see, what else happened. This 29-year-old lady turned out to be a spy, and also Carter Page was a spy but we knew that already, and there’s going to be a new Cats movie with some very inspired casting. As for me, I got some herbs and spices at the farmers’ market. Specifically I got some sage and some thyme and a big thing of cumin. Big week for me! Okay, yeah, here you go:
JERRY SEINFELD: You could never make The Flintstones today. Today’s youth could not handle the fact that Fred does not wear shoes
ME: I hope you are having fun in your car Jerry— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) July 22, 2018
i hope mindy kaling keeps her baby’s paternity a secret for so long that eventually her daughter is forced to have a mamma mia
— @lana (@_lanabelle) July 22, 2018
This is one of the biggest ways you can fuck up as a spy pic.twitter.com/qrpbh1EpZl
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) July 20, 2018
support the homies pic.twitter.com/M54U8OiLmD
— darcie wilder (@333333333433333) July 22, 2018
20 years ago i got fooled very badly by THE SIXTH SENSE. I swore I’d never let my guard down again and have since assumed every character in every movie is DEAD unless told otherwise. Movies are not really fun anymore but i refuse to be humiliated a second time.
— guterman (@danguterman) July 22, 2018
I like to figure out the place in action movies where I would give up, and for Jurassic Park it would be while going to college for paleobotany
— Christin Bailey (@hexprax) July 22, 2018
If Taylor swift does not play Skimbleshanks. The Railway Cat, I will MILITARIZE https://t.co/vxdSPvGkO7
— Patti Harrison (@Party_Harderson) July 20, 2018
this is a croissant https://t.co/ax55Ku7jEp
— amelia elizalde (@ameliaelizalde) July 20, 2018
This headline is making some rather bold assumptions regarding what I’ve seen. pic.twitter.com/PrWKhtXkdU
— Thomas The Reaper (@HavocMantis) July 20, 2018
Things are going great for us pic.twitter.com/DQi7WBUgFX
— Nick Ciarelli (@nickciarelli) July 21, 2018
i’m going to show people what it’s like at bed bath and beyond by posting three photos pic.twitter.com/5CTcrzgPzN
— charlie (@chunkbardey) July 21, 2018
I love that Mamma Mia 2 just like, did a bunch of the same songs that were in the first one – as though to both reward and punish the viewer for coming back for more. “The emotionally distant ex-boyfriend who is good at sex” of unnecessary sequels
— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) July 21, 2018
so called ‘experts’ are trying to tell me that the mysterious red fluid from the black sarcophagus is ‘’mostly sewage’’ which is bullshit because i know pure, fresh skeleton juice when i damn well see it
— Apartheid Disliker 2k18 (@Send_Lwyds) July 20, 2018
subject: Urgent pic.twitter.com/iX802z2F9s
— Dan Licata (@danlicatasucks) July 21, 2018
Louise Glück pic.twitter.com/2wbyJ4G6J3
— Devin Gael Kelly (@themoneyiowe) July 20, 2018
this happened because we opened the sarcophagus :/ https://t.co/amMSK0Qf9H
— Matt (@dogzaddy) July 20, 2018
Maybe the highest-profile Pastebin yet pic.twitter.com/SuO8YXmxGs
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) July 20, 2018
I’ll just say it. Michael Cohen doesn’t seem like a very good attorney.
— Eli Clifton (@EliClifton) July 20, 2018
Meditating on how bad this joke is pic.twitter.com/4JGFs8SdLs
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) July 20, 2018
Nathan Fielder
Knows holocaust happened, doesn’t do business w/ deniers, donated massive amounts to holocaust awarenessGraduated from one of Canada’s top business schools with really good gradesMark Zuckerberg
Is cool with holocaust deniersDidn’t graduate from college— Cowboy Sean (@CaptainToney) July 18, 2018
Every Kurt Vonnegut novel is like, “He diddled his pecker and then ate a nice cake. By the way I’m recounting this story from a bunker one million years in the future. A doodle doodle dee!”
— Mikey Heller (@yoyorobot) July 19, 2018
Disappointed. I drove by this this morning and thought it meant Kissinger had finally passed away. pic.twitter.com/lslF8V2Pm3
— Chad Vigorous (@PrettyBadLefty) July 19, 2018
When I’m playing Mario Kart and I hit a banana peel that a friend left out for me 2 laps ago pic.twitter.com/ZxFBGOVIYT
— nuanced opinion guy (@charles_kinbote) July 20, 2018
I’m so jealous of the guacamole threat Louisville is having tomorrow pic.twitter.com/sNmYndBYma
— Molly Shah (@MollyOShah) July 19, 2018
every person in this administration is someone you were taught to steer clear of at the lake
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) July 19, 2018
I have finally found the perfect insult for a restaurant that serves bad food pic.twitter.com/rQ8zw1yJra
— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) July 19, 2018
ugh trying to come up with sitcom pitches pic.twitter.com/gPnv08iR7y
— Katherine Dudas (@kmdudas) July 18, 2018
I wish I had the energy to drag Mark Duplass but I met my quota of arguing with guys who look like this at a liberal arts college ten years ago pic.twitter.com/u72BtG6yN8
— Alana Hope Levinson (@alanalevinson) July 18, 2018
always fun to see large corporations, the police, and the military celebrate holidays like World Emoji Day.
— Dan Davis (@DanDaviz) July 17, 2018
New Yorkers are fucking assholes and i love it pic.twitter.com/JD06rmIvC6
— dorsey (@dorseyshaw) July 17, 2018
[3:45 pm] Trump: Russia didn’t do it
[2:30 am] Trump: *did
— shrill (@theshrillest) July 17, 2018
absolutely my essence pic.twitter.com/VEUMnq5AHp
— francesca (@witchpuppy) July 15, 2018
Can’t wait to see this movie! pic.twitter.com/lSy13UoTu4
— popular comedy account “the pixelated boat” (@pixelatedboat) July 17, 2018
me 11:00 pm: well time for bed want to be fresh for the morning
me 2:00am : what if I …okay hear me out on this… totally destroy my life
— Shannon Odell (@shodell) July 17, 2018
is this real wtf pic.twitter.com/wCJik6QJmI
— the Guy (@Sanchovies) July 16, 2018
I… what are the metrics for this pic.twitter.com/1ZFMP4DT3D
— Michelle Spies (@spies_please) July 17, 2018
We spit in the face of God https://t.co/cUbNtDP7tp
— j.r. hennessy (@jrhennessy) July 16, 2018
I know she’s bad but also, wow, very successful for 29!!! https://t.co/l3FalJCWgu
— Marcia Belsky (@MarciaBelsky) July 16, 2018
For fucks sake, Timmy. pic.twitter.com/hr24Bz03uF
— Paul Bronks (@BoringEnormous) July 16, 2018
SNAPE (watching Hermione argue with Ron’s gf and try to hide her true feelings): this has nothing to do with Harry potter’s prophecy………pretty much doesn’t matter to me how this ends up……..i guess ron, harry and hermione are buds. that’s like their crew or something
— jeremy levick (@levickjeremy) July 16, 2018