Unglued: The Avatar Effect

By Paste Staff  |  July 29, 2010 | 7:30am
Comedy Features

“Even though the 3-D renaissance is still nascent, Hollywood is already planning the next step: throwing open its vaults. As they prep dozens of new 3-D films, the majors have been quietly exploring the idea of converting some of their most valuable library titles to the new technology.” —David S. Cohen, Variety, April 2009

FROM: Prime Focus Group visual effects and View-D post-production
TO: Studios involved in 3-D conversion of old movies

Everyone, we’d like to thank you for revolutionizing outside the box on this endeavor. Why create new films when we have more than 100 years of archives to reformat in 3-D and re-release in theaters? Plus, if this goes as planned, all those new HD television sets will be obsolete by 2012, due to the many movies and TV shows needing 3-D sets to get “the complete experience.” I think we can all taste the new houses, boats, houseboats and wives we’ll be able to afford. Still, we have a few suggestions about your choices:

We’re not sure that, at the end of Citizen Kane, Rosebud needs to “blow up in your face,” as you put it in the conversion notes.

Remember to merchandise. A commemorative barf bag tie-in (possible Taco Bell sponsorship?) could complete the 3-D Bourne experience.

Bringing documentaries into 3-D could appeal to audiences, but we’re thinking more along the lines of Planet Earth than Nanook of the North. Also, Reefer Madness has already made for some killer office parties over here.

We’re excited to have George Lucas involved. But we’d prefer that he not shoot those proposed new scenes with Darth Vader waggling his lightsaber at the camera. Also, some of prequel footage we’ve seen features comically stiff acting and what sounds like temp dialogue. Are you sure that wasn’t a working print?

Getting the “3-D, visceral feel” of Deliverance might not be desirable for all audiences.

Couldn’t we save on costs for Rocky by only converting the first movie and just changing the title sequence on the sequels?

Admittedly, Boogie Nights seemed like a good idea, but test screenings of the movie’s last scene haven’t gone that well—except in a few cases where they went perhaps a little too well.

Can we upscale Avatar into 4-D? Whatever, just tell Cameron he’s got another half-billion being wired to his account.

 
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