You’re Not A Real New Yorker Until You’ve Done These 9 Things

There’s people who live in New York…and then there’s New Yorkers. So which one are you? There’s an easy way to find out: read this list of nine things every bona fide New Yorker has done, and see how you stack up to the city that never sleeps.

Star In Hamilton

Photo by Theo Wargo / Getty Images

Ey, oh, I’m rappin’ heah! That’s right: the fastest way to becoming a certified “New York-ah” is to star as Alexander Hamilton in the rap-musical Hamilton. Run around the stage! Say some history stuff! Rap! C’mon, do some rapping or something! Honestly, you don’t even have to be in the cast. Just jump up on the stage, start screaming about presidents, and you’ll be an official New Yorker faster than you can say holy cannoli!

Keep Saying, “That’s New York!” Over And Over, Until The Day You Die

The moment anything happens, good or bad, say, “Well, that’s New York!” Honestly, we mean anything. Get overcharged for a soft pretzel! Encounter Steve Martin. Get robbed by a homeless man! Sneeze when it gets cold.

Drunkenly Scream At A Woman On The Train For Not Giving You Her Number

“What the fuck is HER problem?” If you’ve ever asked yourself that question, congratulations: you’re officially a part of The Big Apple! REAL New Yorkers know that unless a girl acquiesces to your every sexual demand, she’s a stuck up bitch who needs to get over herself. C’mon! Start screaming at some randos, and you’ll be a legit New Yorker in a New York minute!

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Throw A Twenty Dollar Bill On The Tracks To Watch The Poors Struggle

Look at ‘em scamper like rats! Yeah, that’s right: Gothamites and Gothamettes alike get their jollies the old fashioned way…by pitting people who need money against each other in a deadly race against mortality itself. Will they grab the $20 and eat tonight? Will they get splattered by the G train? Either way, you’ll have a great story to tell your best friend…Woody Allen!

Give A Pop Culture Blogger A Handjob In An Uber Pool

Yup! You heard the headline: just get in there and get down to business. He knows who Neon Indian is! So get all down in there and start shakin’ stuff around. He freelances for The A.V. Club! This is the least you can do. The way to Empire State credibility runs through his selvedge denim button fly, so get down to some big-city business. Welcome to New York!

Be Born Upper-Middle Class Or Higher

Only In New York! Seriously…you’re the only ones who can afford to live here. When you’re upper-middle class or higher, you can ride out a comfortable cushion of parental cash until you find a job that actually pays something. Then, you can tweet about how hard you work! Yeah…I’m talking about a specific person here. The rest of these jokes have been fairly general, but this one’s aimed at this one asshole I know. You know who you are. You’re the worst. Alright, onto the next joke!

Scream At Your Freshdirect Guy For Being Ten Minutes Late

The fuck? It’s 2:10, where were you? Sure I don’t have a job to get to, but what if I did? Buddy, I’m gonna have to ask for your supervisor’s number about these late avocados or whatever. I’m a good guy, but this is the second time in two years.

Ignore A Fellow Human Being’s Cry For Help As He Slowly Dies In Front Of You

Am I talking about the homeless here? Maybe your co-worker? Your husband? Nah, I’m talking about the homeless. Imagine getting passed by thousands and thousands of people running into a filthy crazy dude and thinking, “Eh, nah,” right to your face. Although on the flipside, what’s the solution? Removing their agency because society deems them “irregular?” Hah, yeah, now you don’t know WHERE I stand on this!

Be Anderson Cooper

Photo by Nicholas Hunt / Getty Images

He lives here! He’s a REAL New Yorker. Are you him? Are you this guy?

Asterios Kokkinos is a comedian in Los Angeles and a real New Yorker.