There are few topics that have the power to divide a nation like pizza toppings. Some of us stay firmly in the margherita camp, opting for the unfailing simplicity of mozzarella and basil, while others fall victim to the most unhinged, non-traditional toppings a pizza menu can advertise without making themselves a target for angry Italians. But let’s be honest: Not all pizza toppings are created equally. Some enhance the subtle, herby sauce and fresh dough of the best-made pizzas, while others detract from the pizza-eating experience, forcing us to pick pieces of the offending ingredient off of every inch of our slice before we dare go in for another bite.
Don’t worry, friends: I’ve done the difficult work of ranking some of the most common pizza toppings from worst to best so you will never again be led astray by a kale- and sweet potato-covered pizza. Yes, these are just my opinions, but they’re also the correct opinions. So, while you wait for the oven to preheat, let’s dive into this definitive ranking of pizza toppings.
13. Sun-Dried Tomatoes
Sun-dried tomatoes are the beef jerky of the vegetable world, and that’s not a compliment. Cover your pizza in sun-dried tomatoes, and you’ll be forced to gnaw on hardened, shriveled tomato skins when you could be enjoying the yeasty, cheesy pleasure of the pizza itself. There is one place where sun-dried tomatoes belong, and that’s in the compost.
12. Chicken
Just… don’t. Order some chicken tenders on the side or something. Why do you even want this for yourself? The chicken you find on pizza literally never tastes good; it’s dry, unseasoned and adds nothing of value to the finished product. Just choose a cured meat like a rational person.
11. Bacon
Bacon belongs in dishes that need some added fat and savoriness. A pizza certainly does not need either. Honestly, if I see bacon on a pizza, I’m just going to assume that whoever cooked it doesn’t recognize the difference between bacon and prosciutto.
10. Black Olives
As a big olive person, I truly believe that black olives should never disfigure the face of any pizza ever again, especially when there are so many amazing olives out there. Choose Castelvetrano or Kalamata, and you’ll never want to open a can of watery black olives again.
9. Green Bell Peppers
There are few vegetables as boring as green bell peppers. Sure, they’re not going to make your pizza taste bad, but they’re not going to add anything exciting to the flavor profile either. I guess if you want to get more veggies into your diet, go for it. Just please don’t pay extra for such an unremarkable topping.