Alright everybody, it’s July 13, and you know what that means—it’s National Paul Day!
We are blessed to live in a world with so many wonderful Pauls who have contributed so much to society: without Paul Revere, we’d never know the British were coming; without Paul McCartney, we’d never know to listen Mother Mary’s words of wisdom in times of trouble; without Paul the Apostle, we’d never know the phrase “Lord’s Supper.” Pauls are everywhere: they’re on our screens (Paul Dano, Paul Mescal, Paul Rudd, Paul Newman, Paul Walker, Paul Giamatti, Pauly D, Paul Thomas Anderson, Paul Schrader, Paul F. Tompkins, Paul Lynde, Paul Mooney, Paul Robalino); they’re on our courts and fields (Paul Pogbal, Paul Pierce, Paul George, Paul Millsap); they’re in our museums (Paul Gauguin, Paul Klee, Paul Cézanne); they’re on our shelves (Paul Auster, Paul Laurence Dunbar, Paul Theroux, Paul Beatty); they’re in our ears (Paul Simon, Paul Rodgers, Paul Williams, the four Paul O’Sullivans in the Paul O’Sullivan band)—and, most importantly of all, they’re in our lives.
Today, more than any other day, is the day for you to appreciate the Paul(s) in your life, and how better to do that than in song? Unfortunately, though, there are many Paungs (Paul Songs) you could share with your Paul to demonstrate how grateful you are for their presence in your life, but let it be known that not all Paungs are created equal; some Paungs are not particularly fond of their titular Paul, and thus sending them to your Paul might have the opposite of the intended effect. Others have little to do with Paul at all, and still others are too specific about their Pauls to capture the nuances of your relationship with the Paul you know. But fear not—that’s where we come in. Below is a list of Paul songs, all objectively ranked by today’s most important criteria: how appreciated your Paul would feel if you were to send it to him. We hope this ranking will be as useful for you as it was for us.
Without further ado: Happy National Paul Day, everyone!
10. Any song about a different famous Paul: “Paul Revere” by the Beastie Boys or by Noah Kahan, “Paul” by Bobby Bare, “Paul McCartney” by Scissor Sisters, etc.
I would hope this goes without saying, but just in case: When showing appreciation to your Paul, do not send him a song about a different, more famous, more beloved Paul. That won’t make him feel appreciated, but devastatingly insecure. Whether it’s Noah Kahan singing about “rid[ing] like Paul Revere” or the Beastie Boys rapping about riding on “a little horse named Paul Revere,” Bobby Bare waxing poetic about how awesome Paul the Bunyan is (“Five hundred pounds and nine feet tall, that’s Paul) or the Scissor Sisters’ love letter to the Beatles’ Paul McCartney (“Is it the music that connects me to you? / … / I’m just in love, in love with your sound”), sending your Paul a song praising an unrelated and better Paul is a surefire way to make the Paul in your life feel very unappreciated. The point of National Paul Day is to celebrate your Paul for the Paul they are, not the Paul they aren’t. You can hold Paul McCartney over your Paul any other day of the year, but it’s National Paul Day; let your Paul have this one.
9. “A Box for Black Paul” by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Absolutely not. The “box” in question? Very much a coffin. Taking the lyrics literally, the song seems to be about some terrible dude Paul that everyone hated (maybe because he killed a lot of people or something?) but recently died, and now everyone’s “ransackin’ his room / Grabbin’ any damn thing that shines / Throw the scraps down on the street.” Paul is so hated that nobody even wants to “build a box for black Paul” or “dig the hole” for his body to decompose in. Do not send this to your Paul, lest he receive it as a threat to his life and go into hiding, which would be a pretty terrible way to celebrate National Paul Day.
8. “Poor Boy Paul” by Little Richard
“Poor Boy Paul” just feels really strange and a little rude to send to your Paul. It’s seemingly from the perspective of the titular poor boy Paul, and it’s basically just saying, over and over again, “Hi, I’m Paul, I’m super incredibly poor and everyone is mean to me about it, but my girlfriend is like really hot so actually I’m chilling, thanks.” And even if you do know a Paul that fits that highly specific bill, this Paung just seems to rub salt in the wound a little bit? Imagine you are Paul, and it’s National Paul Day, and your friend sends you a song about how you “can’t buy a house, can’t buy a lot / ain’t got a bean / ain’t got a pot” and how everyone laughs at you and calls you “poor boy, poor boy, poor boy.” Even with the nice message—Poor Boy Paul isn’t actually poor because he’s rich in love—it would still be kind of an uncomfortable one to receive. I think we can do better.
7. “Paul” by Gilla Band
This is just kind of a weird one. And, cards on the table, I am always a fan of weird ones—but is your Paul? Therein lies the question. More crucially, though, is the fact that the Paul here…seems to be the speaker’s daughter? See: “She’s a gent, give her a call / My daughter Paul.” Frankly, this narrowly limits the song’s usefulness as a Paung, as I don’t know any female Pauls, and I’d bet some decent cash that, if there is a Paul in your life, you are likely not her dad. His dad, possibly. But hers? I don’t know, man. I mean, how many parents could there have been who were, like, “Yeah, if she’s a girl, we’re naming her Paul”? The only time I can see this really coming up is if your child is trans, and you’re either deadnaming her (she’s MtF but you’re still calling her by her dead name, Paul) or misgendering him (he’s FtM but you’re still calling him she/her)—neither of which I endorse in the slightest. So unless you really do have a daughter you named Paul, or you perhaps have a genderfluid child who goes by Paul and is down for all pronouns or something, I’d steer clear here. But on the off-chance you do have a she/her-using gentlemanly daughter named Paul, I mean—hey, I’m sure she’d love it.
Are you and Paul into crimes and killing people? If that’s the basis of your relationship, then shoot this song Paul’s way. I’m sure he’d be ecstatic to bump lines like “Paul with the .45 / Shoot ‘em in his fuckin’ guts / My motherfuckin’ Glock” while polishing his gun or whatever it is gun owners do. That just seems really specific and unlikely though? You also risk implying your appreciation for Paul is less for Paul himself than it is for his glock, which I’d imagine would sting a little for the more sensitive Pauls out there (although, to be fair, they are probably not the ones with the glocks). So if your Paul’s prized possession is not, in fact, a .45, then I’d skip past this one.
5. “Paul” by Big Thief
I’ll be honest, this may or may not have been the only Paul song I really knew before I started this list, and it is a really great song, regardless of its Paung-ness. But I can’t recommend it wholeheartedly, as it would only really work if you and your Paul have something of a difficult dynamic right now, and you are the reason why—and if that happens to be the case, I’m not entirely sure how well your Paul would receive being sent this? But you know your Paul better than I do, so I digress. Essentially, this song is about pulling away from a genuine love due to deep-seated insecurity and vulnerability issues: “Paul, I know you said that you’d take me any way I came or went / But I’ll push you from my brain / See, you’re gentle, baby / I couldn’t stay, I’d only bring you pain.” If you’ve found yourself somewhat estranged from your Paul, and you’re self-aware enough to know it was your fault, and also, you really do miss him (“I’ve been burning for you baby since the minute I left”), this is definitely the Paung I’d recommend. It is a very sweet song! Heart-breaking, but sweet. At the same time, though, it might be kind of shitty to send your Paul something like this, especially if he’s trying to get over you. Paul just sounds really sweet, and he doesn’t deserve to get hurt again—on National Paul Day, no less—so just use your best judgment, I guess.
4. “Lil Paul” by MC Lyte
If you happen to be in a situationship with your Paul, I’d imagine you clicked on this list scoffing, à la “No way am I sending my situationship something as emotionally revealing as an appreciative song to celebrate him on National Paul Day.” Think again. MC Lyte’s “Lil Paul” is a situationship all-timer: “Paul, he ain’t no amateur / Cold freaked my cheeks from the bed to the kitchen floor / … / Don’t know his last name, don’t give a fuck about his sign / Me and him, we got this opp thing / It’s just a fling / He ain’t tryin’ to push up a ring / On my finger ’cause that shit is dead.” Is your Paul great in the sack and deeply uninterested in any sort of personal, emotional connection with you? This is quite possibly the best song you could send his way. That being said, it would be a little weird to send this to a Paul you are not fucking on the DL. And also maybe a little weird even if you are, actually, because this song is maybe a little less about Paul and more about Paul’s friend, who the speaker originally had a thing with before hooking up with Paul, and is now kind of rubbing the whole Paul thing in their ex’s face? But if you are, somehow, also in this highly specific scenario—you cut ties with an ex and started hooking up with his friend Paul instead and are feeling really good about the whole thing—then this is kismet on an unprecedented level, and you need to send this to Paul (and your ex) right now.
3. “Paul” by JT & The Plastic Garden Band
This is a very sweet, platonic ode to a friend named Paul: “We’d crack those dumb jokes, just two fools on the line / Talking for hours, losing track of the time / … / Life’s little secrets and thoughts so profound / Just us in the chaos, two friends hanging around.” Sounds wonderful, right? But here’s the thing about this song: the degree to which I would recommend it to you is entirely dependent on your Paul’s attention span. Is your Paul the kind of guy to get sent a link to a song and listen to it start-to-finish before writing back, or is he the kind of guy to check out the first thirty seconds and text back pretending that they heard the whole thing? Because, frankly, it is only in the latter case that I would green-light this song. On the other hand, if you have a sneaking suspicion that your Paul would dutifully, thoughtfully take three minutes and 12 seconds out of his day to listen to this admittedly somewhat mediocre country song in full, I would caution against sending it his way, unless he is deeply at peace with the fact of his own mortality. Spoiler: The last verse of the song reveals that the Paul in question has, in fact, died. This is very sad. Many humans do not like to think about their death, and Pauls are likely no exception. Thus, if you think your Paul would listen to the whole song and also would feel a little strange about getting sent, essentially, a eulogized ode to your friendship while he’s still very much alive, maybe this isn’t a great choice. But if your Paul’s a little fake and won’t actually check out the whole song, I think he’d find it very sweet.
2. “Tall Paul” by Annette Funicello
This is a pretty great Paung, particularly for those romantically involved with their Paul. It’s an adorable 1950s hand-jiver that clocks in at barely 90 seconds, making it perfect for all the busy Pauls out there with no time to spend listening to the songs you send them, or all the younger Pauls who struggle with the signature short attention span of 21st century youths. And it’s absolutely lovely about the Paul in question: “He’s my all / He’s my mountain / He’s my tree / We go steady / Paul and me.” Why, then, is this Paung not number one? Because, unfortunately, there is an issue here—this is not a song to send to a short Paul, particularly if they’re prone to height-based insecurity. Annette’s beloved has, really, only one notable characteristic throughout the song: his height. She sings, cheerily, about his “king-size arms / Tall Paul with the king-size charms / Tall Paul with the king-size kiss.” And as sweet as this may be, if your partner named Paul does not, in fact, share Tall Paul’s titular descriptor, they might feel a little put off by this song, rather than appreciated. It might even feel like a passive-aggressive nudge about how much you wish they were taller, and no Paul wants to hear that on National Paul Day. That being said, if your Paul is, in fact, tall, there is no better song to celebrate him with. It was simply an abundance of caution that stopped me from placing this in the number one spot.
1. “One of These Days I’m Gonna Sit Down and Talk to Paul” by Johnny Cash
Look, I know the title sounds a little ominous (in a fist-shaking “Why I oughta give this Paul a piece ‘a my mind!” way), and I know some of the highly specific details later in the song will likely have little relevance to the Pauls in your own lives (who presumably have not witnessed a jail-door-related miracle at midnight in Philippi with someone named Salas) but I’m serious, this is about as good of a general-use Paung as you’re going to get. Trust me; I’ve looked. Extensively. It checks all the boxes: it’s not explicitly about a famous Paul (see #10), it’s not weirdly insulting to the Paul in question (#9 and #8), it’s not so specific it only services in unique situations (#7, #6, #5, and #4), Paul isn’t dead (#3), AND the love this speaker has for their Paul is not conditional on his height (#2). It’s just a good ole “Man, I miss Paul, I really need to see how he’s doing one of these days” song, and it rules. Especially in our current day and age of social estrangement, of struggling to keep in touch with old friends, “One of These Days I’m Gonna Sit Down and Talk to Paul” is the perfect reminder for your Paul that even though it might have been a while, you are still thinking of him, you hope he’s doing well, and you look forward to finally getting together soon. I mean, it’s a platonic singing telegram from Johnny Cash. How much better could it get? Not to put words in your Paul’s mouth, but if I were a Paul and a friend of mine sent me Cash’s silky baritone singing “One of these days I’m gonna sit down and talk to Paul / I will ask him about his journeys / And he will tell me about them all / One of these days I’m gonna sit down and talk to Paul” on National Paul Day, I would feel pretty damn appreciated.
