Ted Cruz, Having Lost the Republican Race, Names Running Mate Because Why the Hell Not?

Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz was mathematically eliminated from winning the Republican nomination outright last night, as Donald Trump embarrassed him in five northeastern states. The number of delegates Cruz needs to secure the 1,237 total to automatically win the race now exceeds the number of delegates still available. His hopes rest on securing the nomination in a brokered convention, but there’s a slight hitch in that plan, which is that none of his colleagues like or respect him.

Basically, this is a hopeless campaign that is running out the clock. And what’s the best move when you’re running a hopeless campaign that is running out the clock?

Quitting. Saving money. Getting some rest. Eating three thousand cans of soup while your wife looks on in horror.

But Ted Cruz isn’t doing any of those things. Ted Cruz, in one of the most laughably presumptuous moves of this or any other election cycle, will name a running mate in a press conference later today. That running mate? Incompetent Hewlett-Packard arsonist and golden parachutist Carly Fiorina.

This move, which will dominate the news cycle at least for today, is pointless and silly. Fiorina has already been vetted and rejected by Republican voters—she barely even made it to the first-tier debate when there were still 16 candidates involved—and if Cruz really wanted to shake up the race, he should have looked beyond the “tried-and-failed” list and found someone less underwhelming.

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Like a lot things Cruz does, including the very stupid alliance with Kasich, it sort of makes sense in the abstract. Sure, do something dramatic to stir up the race and make people forget that you just made a fool of yourself with a failed shady deal, and also that you’re getting slaughtered across the country. Sure, pick a woman as a running mate since Trump has spouted off some ugly language about women that may drive a voter or two your way. Sure, get your name in the news before the Indiana primary.

But in the end, this is is more desperation from a guy who has no more bullets in his chamber. It’s not going to amount to a hill of beans, and this particular firework will fizzle out with a sad little pop.

Cruz trying to team up with Kasich then picking Fiorina as his running mate reminds me of that famous math equation 0 × 0 x 0 = 0.
— Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) April 27, 2016

But at least it will provide more Twitter fodder for his old college roommate. Silver linings, folks.