White American Man Gets Mad at Fresh Kitchen Workers Speaking Spanish, Threatens to Call ICE

Welcome to a brand new Paste Magazine feature which I’m calling:

White American Man.

You know how the concept of “Florida Man” has caught on and flourished in the Internet ecosystem because every batshit, trashy story that goes viral inevitably comes from some meth-skinny dude with bad facial tattoos in Florida? “White American Man” is like that, except that instead of the Floridian sub-species, we highlight our nation’s racist douches. Just like Florida Man, White American Man is a very specific type—a tense, angry, financially secure, over-entitled, under-sexed and fully repressed Caucasian fellow of a certain age who absolutely cannot tolerate the fact that black and brown people are attempting to exist in his presence. And so, unable to contain his fury, he acts out publicly in ways that are degrading and embarrassing to himself and everyone around him. The archetype for the American White Man is Duke University’s Larry Moneta, who got two workers fired for playing a rap song by accident—read about that here.

Today in “White American Man,” a white American man went into a Fresh Kitchen in Manhattan (Manhattan!) and got upset that the workers were speaking to some customers—not him, mind you, but some customers—in Spanish. The situation, to him, was intolerable. Watch:

Some choice quotes:

—“Your staff is speaking Spanish to customers when they should be speaking English. Every person I listented to. He spoke, he spoke it, she’s speaking it. This is America!”

—“My guess is, they’re not documented, so my next call is to ICE to have each one of them kicked out of my country.”

—“They have the balls to come here and live off of my money? I pay for their welfare, I pay for their ability to be here. The least they could do, the least they could do is speak English.”

Then he called a woman fat, and stormed out. This guy has it all—the attitude, the near-hysterical rage, a full arsenal of stereotypes ready to deploy, and even the button-down white shirt. Great stuff, White American Man.

See you next time!

UPDATE: He’s been ID’ed by the Internet. Even funnier, he’s a lawyer whose website says he’s fluent in Spanish!

Please let Attorney Aaron M. Schlossberg of Midtown Manhattan know I’m trying to get in touch with him. I have a few questions.

If you reach him, ask how often he eats at the Fresh Kitchen next door to his office and if he has a problem with people speaking Spanish there. pic.twitter.com/8pgQ6wZNzi

— Shaun King (@ShaunKing) May 16, 2018