The 20 Best Schmidt Quotes

By Claire Ruhlin  |  September 16, 2013 | 11:50am
TV Lists

It’s safe to say that New Girl just wouldn’t be the same without the delightfully douchey fat-kid-turned-ladies’-man, Schmidt. Between stuffing dollars into the Douchebag Jar and wooing Cece, Schmidt offers plenty of hilarious quotes and one-liners and stands out as one of the show’s most beloved characters.

Season three of New Girl is set to kick off tomorrow and is sure to offer more golden Schmidt-isms. To gear up for the season and commemorate everyone’s favorite douchebag, we’ve put together some of our favorite Schmidt moments.

20. Decorating
“Pine has no place in this loft. It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses.” (Episode 1.16, “Control”)

19. Cooking
“Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is this prison?” (Episode 2.1, “Re-Launch”)

18. Manhood
“Know this: your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty and Paxil.” (Episode 2.8, “Parents”)

17. Reading Material
“Outliers — you should read it. Malcolm Gladwell. It’s one of my desert island books, along with Machiavelli’s The Prince, Freak by John Leguizamo, any of the scripts from the first season of Vampire Diaries” (Episode 1.13, “Valentines Day”)

16. Personalized
“Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!” (Episode 1.10, “The Story of the 50”)

15. Broenemies
“We’re broenemies. He’s my fremesis.” (Episode 1.10, “The Story of the 50”)

14. Celebrate
“Can we just take a moment to celebrate me?” (Episode 1.19, “Secrets”)

13. Driving Gear
“Damn it! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere.” (Episode 1.10, “The Story of the 50”)

12. Nick
“Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.” (Episode 1.4, “Naked”)

11. Things to be Down on
“There are plenty of things to be down about: air pollution in China, the deficit, The Hobbit wasn’t very good. If I wanted to see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would have gone to Koreatown.” (Episode 2.19, “Quick Hardening Caulk”)

10. A Marine
“Words that have never been used to describe Schmidt: spontaneous, flexible, easygoing. I’m like a Marine.” (Episode 1.16, “Control”)

9. Flowers
“I can’t talk right now. I’m writing a strongly worded email to my florist.” (Episode 2.18, “TinFinity”)

8. Figure Skating
“I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy.” (Episode 1.9, “The 23rd”)

7. Loafers
“I’m gonna have to run all the way home and I have my slipperiest loafers on.” (Episode 1.16, “Control”)

6. Tough Times
“Know this: you’re not the only one that’s hurting here, Jessica Day. The economy stinks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels now and I have a broken penis. Don’t pretend to know my pain.” (Episode 1.23, “Backslide”)

5. Cape
“Can someone please get my towel? It’s in my room next to my Irish walking cape.” (Episode 1.11, “Jess and Julia”)

4. Youths
“Youths!” (Episode 1.13, “Valentines Day”)

3. Bathtubs
“Bathtubs are Medieval filth cauldrons” (Episode 2.10, “Bathtub”)

2. Kanye
“Befriending Kanye is the most efficient way for me to jump social strata. Now all I have to do is meet him, and then dazzle him to the point that we’re each other’s last call before bed.” (Episode 2.3, “Fluffer”)

1. Schmidt Happens
“Schmidt happens. Thumb ring, bitch! You’ve got some Schmidt on your face.” (Episode 1.2, “Kryptonoite”)

 
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