5 National City Yelp Reviews Inspired by Supergirl's Midseason Premiere

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Supergirl is back! It’s been almost two months since we last checked in with our favorite red, yellow and blue heroine, and it seems the series may have fallen into a bit of a rut in the meantime. Alex and Maggie are still very much in love, James and Winn are really getting a handle on this whole superhero thing, and even Mon-El is employed as a bartender at everyone’s favorite alien underground drinking establishment. Just be careful what you order. He hasn’t quite figured out his earth liquids yet.

It’s Supergirl who seems to notice this plot stagnation more than the others. Though honestly, Kara, you just spent two months without us, so it’s hardly surprising. Two months of rescuing money and jewels instead of people can make anyone feel like the humanity has gone out of their job. It’ll put you in a funk. Or bring down your approval rating—and, as Mon-El observes, we humans do love to rate things. So, while Kara shakes off the rust with a little old-fashioned human rescuing, let’s pretend that National City has a Yelp that covers everything and award star ratings to five key elements of this week’s Supergirl.

1. Jewel Thief 1, “The Supergirl Antagonist Experience” — 2 Stars

My crew and I aren’t exactly “known” villains. We’re not as exciting as Livewire, nor do we have Maxwell Lord’s access to crazy advanced super tech. Still, we consider ourselves professionals, so when we noticed that the recent drop in violent crime made us a likely target for Supergirl we stepped up. Surface to air missiles, fancy masks, the works.

I just want to say for the record that we held our own against National City’s finest, and had Supergirl herself taken us in, this would be a 5-star review, no question. The lady from Krypton was in rare form that night, but our chase was cut short due to an encounter with the Guardian, who as far as I can tell has no affiliation with Supergirl. Frankly, she seemed just as displeased to see him as I was. To make matters worse, one of my “friends”—gotta love Supergirl’s positive outlook on interpersonal relationships—gets knocked out by some random, definitely non-hero-type kid. It’s just really disappointing overall to have other people interfere in what may be your only chance at a face off with the Supergirl. Unless I can get some kind of hero/villain non-interference promise, and of course a federal pardon, this will be the last time I face off against the woman of steel.

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2. Maggie Sawyer, “Alex Danvers” — 3.5 stars

Just for the record, I really like Alex Danvers. I’ve been a big fan since the first case we worked together, even if she can be a bit pushy and territorial. I accept that that’s just a fact of life when you’re dating a fed.

But after today, I feel like I really need to approach this relationship with caution. Every time she gets the least bit nervous that something is going to go wrong, she freaks out, and I get a half mumbled “I can’t do this right now” speech. It can’t be easy having a sister like Kara, since she’s Super—super into extreme sports. But if every problem in her life becomes an excuse for a break up, I’m just not interested in that kind of drama. Two months in and she’s already on her second chance. Let’s hope this isn’t a bad idea.

3. National City Local, “Alien Bar” — 4 Stars

Alien Bar is my favorite local! I stumbled on it a week after moving to National City, and while the regulars were a bit cagey at first, some of them have really warmed up to me. Literally, in the case of one girl, which I find a bit strange, but she swears it’s just a metabolic thing. LOL. My only issue is the new bartender, Mon-Mon. Don’t get me wrong, every time he’s there I get more than my money’s worth, but either he’s a crazy genius mixologist or super forgetful, because I never quite get what I order. Oh, and if his blond girlfriend comes in, forget it.

4. Izzy (Human), “Maaldoria” — 1 Star

Ugh, can this site please, please, please give me a way to rate something with negative stars? Because my “visit” to this planet has to be the most scarring thing to happen in my whole life. I was literally sold into slavery on an alien planet! The entire experience was horrible from start to finish.

First, I was tricked into entering a clinical trial for “research.” You know what makes that whole “kidnapped and sold as chattel on a strange planet” thing worse? The fact that I spent two hours filling out overly intrusive paperwork and getting blood tests for the privilege. So, I’m kidnapped, sent to an alien planet where the lighting makes no sense—my fellow captives and I later learned that this is because Maaldoria circles a red star—and if it weren’t for Supergirl and her snarky friend, I don’t think any of us would have made it out alive. So no, I will not be going back there any time soon, if ever again. Seriously, everyone should boycott this place for its inhuman conditions and generally *&^% attitude toward the rights of sentient beings.

5. Winn Schott, “Outer Space Travel Portal Thingy” — 5 Stars

Okay, so here’s the thing, the thing is here. I was ready to just lock myself in my room forever. Do not pass go, do not collect any kind of Monopoly money, life locked with a pad lock, but safe. “Safe” is the key word—or the encrypted password, if you prefer.

So I wasn’t exactly thrilled when my boss ordered me on a trip through what can only be described as a “stargate.” Yes, I know, my nerd is showing. But if it’s good enough for James Spader, it’s good enough for me. I mean, I was freaking nervous. This planet, here, Earth, is a dangerous enough place. I did not need alien worlds and atmospheres to enrich my already terrifying worldview.

So I go, I step through the portal, over the Einstein-Rosen Bridge—and BAM! I’m there. On Maaldoria. An alien planet. Mind blown! It just really renewed my sense of purpose getting to experience that. I mean, Maaldoria itself wouldn’t be an ideal vacation destination, but just the chance to travel through space was, in a word, AWESOME. I even brought back a souvenir. Some space rocks! Because nothing bad ever comes from that.

Katherine Siegel is a Chicago-based writer and director, and a regular contributor to Paste. You can find out more by checking out her website or follow her on Twitter.

5 National City Yelp Reviews Inspired by Supergirl‘s Midseason Premiere

(Episode 2.09)