The Quotable Krabappel: 20 Great Lines from Bart’s Beleaguered Teacher

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Oh, Edna Krabappel. Many—if not most—of us remember her from grade school. She was the vastly overqualified teacher, ground down by life and love’s disappointments and forced to debase herself dumbing down curriculum for disinterested students, and lowering standards for unworthy lovers. Her bitter, sarcastic shell was formed over a youthful idealism that, occasionally, still broke through. Voiced to perfection with equal parts weary resignation and poignant vulnerability by the late Marcia Wallace, today we celebrate the retirement of the character she brought to life with 20 of her greatest quotes.

20. “These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. If any.”
(Season 1, Episode 2: “Bart the Genius”)

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19. “What’s the matter, Bart? I figure you’d be used to failing by now.”
(Season 2, Episode 1: “Bart Gets an F”)

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18. “Bart, are those liquor bottles? Take them to the teacher’s lounge. You can have whatever’s left after school.”
(Season 3, Episode 10: “Flaming Moe’s”)

17. “She’s faking it.”
(Season 3, Episode 23: “Bart’s Friend Falls in Love”)

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16. “Can’t… stop… doing… the Monkey!”
(Season 4, Episode 16: “Duffless”)

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15.“Oh, don’t worry children. Most of you will never fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone.”

(Season 3, Episode 23: “Bart’s Friend Falls in Love”)

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14. “No, children, no! Your education is important. Roman numerals, et cetera. Whatever. I tried!”

(Season 6, Episode 24: “Lemon of Troy”)

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13. “And the only way to survive a deadly blaze is… Oh, heck. Life’s too short for fire safety! Let’s go out and pick wildflowers!”
(Season 8, Episode 19: Grade School Confidential)

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12. “Bart, you’re the closest thing to a man in my life, and that’s so depressing, I think I’m going to cry.”
(Season 3, Episode 16: “Bart the Lover”)

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11. “Pret-ty lame, Milhouse.”
(Season 4, Episode 16: “Duffless”)

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10. “I don’t entertain much. Usually, it’s just salad for one, soup for one, wine for three.”
(Season 8, Episode 19: “Grade School Confidential”)

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9. “As you know, Bart, one day your permanent record will disqualify you from all but the hottest and noisiest jobs.”
(Season 8, Episode 19: “Grade School Confidential”)

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8. “You know why they call it a choir? Because choir we listening to this crap?!”
(Season 21, Episode 2: “Bart Gets a Z”)

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7. “Fever” (Delivered during her unforgettably disturbing, balloon-popping burlesque at the faculty talent show.)
(Season 10, Episode 15: “Screaming Yellow Honkers”)

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6. “I tried, but he’s uncontrollable. Frowny stickers mean nothing to him.”
(Season 22, Episode 22: “The Ned-Liest Catch”)

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5. “Seymour, the children are playing in the hole again.”
(Season 6, Episode 21: “The PTA Disbands”)

4. “I’ve been looking for a substitute to teach me a lesson I sorely need.”
(Season 2, Episode 19: “Lisa’s Substitute”)

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3. “Well, we’ll show him … especially for that ‘purple monkey dishwasher” comment!’”
(Season 6, Episode 21: “The PTA Disbands”)

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2. “Bart did get 100. I gave a test on state capitals, but I forgot to roll up the map. Everyone got 100.”
(Season 16, Episode 3: “Sleeping with the Enemy”)

1. “HA!”
But, honestly, who other than Homer Simpson has gotten so much dependably hilarious mileage out of only one syllable?

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