The Funniest New Year’s Tweets of 2018
Photo courtesy of Netflix
Don’t listen to Neil DeGrasse Tyson: everything changed on an atomic level once the clock hit midnight on Monday morning. 2017 went away forever, and 2018 emerged from its ashes, and every single thing everywhere was instantly transformed. That’s how time works—like a Roomba that inevitably sucks up all the garbage in life, if we’re just patient enough.
Okay, that’s a load of horseshit. Nothing’s really changed. We’re the same people we were three days ago. The world is the same dumb place full of jerks and losers. But at least for a little while we were able to have a minor spot of hope that things could improve. Yeah, we had to get almost catatonically drunk in order to make it to that little while, but c’mon, the people who make, ship, distribute and sell that booze have to make ends meet, too. My dad worked in the beer industry for decades, which means the constant need to self-medicate through High Life and Meister Brau kept me alive and eventually bought me a 1990 Nissan Maxima. Thanks!
Oh yeah, here are some tweets.
gentle reminder: although there is huge societal pressure to go out, party, and drink alcohol on New Year’s Eve, it’s totally valid to remain in a stone tomb, buried under the ocean floor, to be discovered by treasure hunters in 1000 years & unleashed upon the world anew ?
— Your Trusted Wizard (@Choplogik) December 31, 2017
Watching a New Year’s Eve countdown and all the Backstreet Boys dress like the oldest people who still work at the mall
— Shane Torres (@shanetorres) January 1, 2018
Don’t want to ruin #NewYearsEve but “Pitbull’s New Year’s Eve in Outer Space” has been canceled. His SpaceX rocket malfunctioned and is now on a collision course with the sun.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) December 31, 2017