Don’t listen to Neil DeGrasse Tyson: everything changed on an atomic level once the clock hit midnight on Monday morning. 2017 went away forever, and 2018 emerged from its ashes, and every single thing everywhere was instantly transformed. That’s how time works—like a Roomba that inevitably sucks up all the garbage in life, if we’re just patient enough.
Okay, that’s a load of horseshit. Nothing’s really changed. We’re the same people we were three days ago. The world is the same dumb place full of jerks and losers. But at least for a little while we were able to have a minor spot of hope that things could improve. Yeah, we had to get almost catatonically drunk in order to make it to that little while, but c’mon, the people who make, ship, distribute and sell that booze have to make ends meet, too. My dad worked in the beer industry for decades, which means the constant need to self-medicate through High Life and Meister Brau kept me alive and eventually bought me a 1990 Nissan Maxima. Thanks!
Oh yeah, here are some tweets.
gentle reminder: although there is huge societal pressure to go out, party, and drink alcohol on New Year’s Eve, it’s totally valid to remain in a stone tomb, buried under the ocean floor, to be discovered by treasure hunters in 1000 years & unleashed upon the world anew ?
— Your Trusted Wizard (@Choplogik) December 31, 2017
Watching a New Year’s Eve countdown and all the Backstreet Boys dress like the oldest people who still work at the mall
— Shane Torres (@shanetorres) January 1, 2018
Don’t want to ruin #NewYearsEve but “Pitbull’s New Year’s Eve in Outer Space” has been canceled. His SpaceX rocket malfunctioned and is now on a collision course with the sun.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) December 31, 2017
This year I’m ignoring the New Year’s Eve countdown and instead screaming accusations about who screwed up Michelle Pfeiffer’s 2017 comeback.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) December 31, 2017
“I paved the way for the New Year’s Eve Ball. I stood out here all month in the cold, and the Ball gets to drop for literally a minute and get all this attention… I’m not bitter though.”
-The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree— julio torres ~* (@juliothesquare) December 31, 2017
If three ghosts visited you on New Year’s Eve, they’d probably be some real obnoxious dicks.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) December 31, 2017
If you really want to have a great New Year’s Eve text all your exes at midnight that you want to get back together and ride into the new year on a wave of action
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) December 31, 2017
New Year’s Eve is just a blatant moneymaking scam perpetrated by Big Year-Shaped Eyeglasses to sell more year-shaped eyeglasses.
— Don “No Longer Has A Holiday Name” Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) December 31, 2017
“2017 was such a shitty year, you know what will make it better? Cramming myself into a penned-in militarized zone on New Year’s Eve with no bathrooms or alcohol when it’s 7 degrees.” – 2 million of the dumbest people in Times Square
— kurt braunohler (@kurtbraunohler) December 31, 2017
“See you next year!” on New Year’s Eve is the Super Bowl of Dad Jokes. Congrats to all the guys out there named Rick and Wayne today living the dream
— Baby New Year’s Full Diaper (@MarkAgee) December 31, 2017
just found out that Bill Nye’s full name is Bill New Year’s Eve.
— Myq Kaplan (@myqkaplan) December 31, 2017
Getting pumped for tomorrow’s big annual New Year’s Eve Million Dollar Baby marathon. Gonna try to top last year’s record of eight consecutive viewings of Million Dollar Baby.
— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) December 31, 2017
this year my new year’s resolution is to drink more water than I did last year, which was none
— handsome mustache boy (@jules_su) January 2, 2018
all i want in the new year is for leaf blowers to be outlawed, no more loud fridge, no noisy neighbors, no sirens, no sounds unless i like the sounds,
— Megan Neuringer (@MeganNeuringer) January 2, 2018
On the minus side I just took a feverish dump in an Arby’s. On the plus side my New Year’s Resolution was “continue the downward spiral as is”.
— Mike Lawrence (@TheMikeLawrence) January 2, 2018
sun sets on New Year’s Day, bringing with it incalculable dread at the end of the holidays and the start of another work year Oh hell yeah baby I love this
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) January 2, 2018
got a happy new year email from a gynecologist I went to one time in 2013!! 2018 is gonna be a great year
— Carrie Wittmer???? (@carriesnotscary) January 1, 2018
Another new year, another chance to see if I still fit into my wife’s wedding dress.
— Dan Cronin (@croninwhocares) January 1, 2018
I don’t have any “New Year’s resolutions” because I’m truly at peace with who I already am except for literally not knowing how to do anything and constantly fucking up and making everything worse.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) January 1, 2018
NEW YEAR IS FUN BC U WAKE UP LOOKIN AND FEELIN LIKE SHIT AND THEN THAT IS JUST KIND OF HOW THINGS ARE UNTIL U DIE !!!!!!!!
— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) January 1, 2018
I respect the fact Steve Harvey started the new year looking like a snowman who solves mysteries pic.twitter.com/NztLwcre6j
— Baby New Year’s Full Diaper (@MarkAgee) January 1, 2018
“New year, new me,” is a fun thing to say while committing identity theft.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 1, 2018
This New Year’s Eve remember to make the queer ppl around u comfy by only doing gay kissing.
Like if ur a married straight dude, say to ur wife “sorry I gotta kiss Brian.”
THNX.
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) January 1, 2018
one of my fav things about New Years Eve is watching the parade of fuckboys who text me between 12:00 and 12:05 a.m. to tell me Happy New Year. every time i get a text i’m like “oh wow it’s the guy who ghosted me in march. guess he’s back!” or “whoa Jeff from 2012?! deep cut!!!”
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) January 1, 2018