Last week was pretty universally terrible, except for one or two really great things, which, big ups to everyone who made that happen. Now it is time for a brand new week in which all sorts of other things will happen which will probably be bad too. Perhaps the president will get another letter from another 9-year-old named after some other vegetable. Perhaps the so-called Mooch will do another crazy interview. Perhaps, I don’t know, Antonin Scalia will come back to life, who the hell knows, who the hell cares. Here are the good tweets, everyone.
woman fucks one man who’s not funny: I made a bad choice
man fucks one woman who’s not funny: women aren’t funny— maura quint (@behindyourback) July 30, 2017
Agent Cooper watching all the movies he’s missed in the 25 years in the lodge and saying things like “Borat…extraordinary”
— Fretless Bass Whizki (@Rappin4Safety) July 30, 2017
I came up with emoji for all the presidents. Some were…a stretch.
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— Caroline McCarthy (@caro) July 30, 2017
”…Who, In All Fairness, Believes He Has Met Bigfoot” pic.twitter.com/TA1fkripOx
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) July 29, 2017
damn. it sucks how you can only do one politics at a time https://t.co/M3lmSTAgEq
— RusticBaller (@ByYourLogic) July 29, 2017
I’m a 17 year old photographer just trying to make a name for himself. One RT could change my life. pic.twitter.com/443CxcwmaD
— ben™ (@benicus_rex) July 29, 2017
Portrait of the open mic’er at a bringer show. https://t.co/9XJSvRHYTQ
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) July 28, 2017
fixed that for you! pic.twitter.com/wWz7voikZc
— eve ?? peyser (@evepeyser) July 28, 2017
Somebody on Craigslist has a cow for sale and accidentally typed my number as the contact number. This has been the worst morning of my life pic.twitter.com/x8o7wkCzQx
— shannon (@Itsyaaboysb) July 28, 2017
— Max Read (@max_read) July 28, 2017
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) July 28, 2017
Every day feels like the beginning of the infomercial where the actor opens a cabinet & more Tupperware than you thought possible pours out
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) July 27, 2017
When you simply must speak to Ryan Lizza pic.twitter.com/RMDaUaiuBz
— Jia Tolentino (@jiatolentino) July 27, 2017
“What Happened, Hillary Rodham Clinton” is also what I mutter to myself every time I scroll through this godforsaken app pic.twitter.com/KR9DaFbRRT
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) July 27, 2017
sort of feel like Scaramucci can’t be real and that some version of him has appeared throughout history to herald the end of empires
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) July 27, 2017
When Cody does a good job pic.twitter.com/IEC9T1l8ft
— Brendan O’Connor (@_grendan) July 27, 2017
— ??????????? (@kadyrabbit) July 27, 2017
who would have ever guessed that sean spicer was the smart one
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) July 27, 2017
“No, everything’s totally fine
In spite of the media’s line.
I’ll now take you through
This glowing review
From Pickle, a boy who is nine.”— Limericking (@Limericking) July 26, 2017
Trump’s leadership is basically like if Solomon just cut the baby in half without asking first and told both of the moms about it on Twitter
— Patrick Cosmos (@veryimportant) July 26, 2017
— Paul Blest (@pblest) July 26, 2017
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: “I’m going to start today’s briefing with a letter from 37-year-old David. It, uh, just says ‘I killed a dog once.’”
— Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) July 26, 2017
— Alex Forrest ?????? (@380kmh) July 26, 2017
I hate when I crash my billion dollar fighter plane into the side of an Afghan mountain because I am hypnotized by the vastness of gender
— Dan Abromowitz (@AnnDabromowitz) July 26, 2017
“Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” premiere tonight at Westport Community Theatre. Break a leg, guys and gals! pic.twitter.com/PRYHuVFPfp
— Bruce Handy (@henryfingjames) July 26, 2017
We’re like one of those planets they’d visit in the original Star Trek that’s so cartoonishly fucked-up they’d break the Prime Directive.
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) July 26, 2017
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howdy. i’m rick perry. im dumb as shit— brad shoup (@bshoup) July 26, 2017
need an example of something a lion would do. compose an aria? is that something lions do pic.twitter.com/BgOoIHzzrK
— Felix Gilman (@felixgilman) July 26, 2017
I’m mad as hell, and I am going to take it anymore https://t.co/IOZdB5XHhS
— chris hooks (@cd_hooks) July 25, 2017
TRUMP: We had some wild orgies back in the 80s. Animalistic
THE PARENTS OF 40,000 BOY SCOUTS: This is something we want our children to hear— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) July 24, 2017
I believe him. pic.twitter.com/MOYKVMgX0u
— Slammin Bod Jeb Lund (@Mobute) July 24, 2017
current mood is “people who don’t want to be next to tj miller” pic.twitter.com/6TizslyHQ4
— brian feldman (@bafeldman) July 24, 2017
It’s finally here – the Lenovo Three-Story Laptop. The team and I worked our asses off on this, and I’m so proud of how it turned out! pic.twitter.com/siQv4viG9E
— Ana Fabrega (@anafabregagood) July 24, 2017
it’s really stupid that reverse flash is another guy that runs fast. his power should be running really slow
— Alex Perry (@Yelix) July 24, 2017
“let me be very clear: yogurt. is. too. spicy.” pic.twitter.com/RqNUztcdsX
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) July 24, 2017