How to Still Be a Slut During the Quarantine

Everyone is going through a tough time, but particularly sluts! Trapped inside the house?? People can do yoga in their bedrooms but you can’t fuck a stranger in your bathroom anymore! So I thought I’d compile a list of ways you can still be slutty (you deserve it!!!) while respecting social distancing and the quarantine.

Thirst Traps

This is a classic one, and might I add, comforting to others. If you’re posting a thirst trap from the comfort of your own home, I don’t have to worry you’re out and about, infecting hundreds of other people without knowing. I think people mean no harm but when they post a throwback of them kayaking from a month ago it gives me a mini heart attack, and then I scroll down and read the caption, but it doesn’t fully assuage the initial worry! That’s why I’m proposing everyone only post thirst traps from their living rooms right now. Tits out, doors closed.

Leave Erotic Voicemails

Make your landlord from 2008’s day!

Make Your Email Signature Suggestive as Hell

People are not sending work emails right now, or, if they are, that’s their own fault. The important jobs (grocery store worker, trash collector, nurse, drug dealer) cannot be done over email. Anyone emailing right now probably has a 401k and doesn’t understand class struggle. So, Gmail is lawless right now. Make your email signature something that will intrigue and surprise! Imagine sending some perfunctory message steeped with professional jargon like, “Hey, I just wanted to follow up on our check in and piggyback on what Jared said. Was everyone able to circle back to our last messages and see those chats? Just checking in! Thanks!—Reginald” Only to be hit with an italic “Sent from my iPhone/What makes you wet?” I’m getting chills just thinking about it!

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Text Everyone in Your Contacts “U Up?”

I have 964 contacts in my phone. I have old coworkers, Craigslist roommates, friend’s moms, my parent’s neighbors, girls I met in a bathroom drunk one time, people I studied abroad with, etc. etc. Let’s see if they’re all up!!!

Have Cyber Sex

Duh. Preferably while playing “Digital Getdown” by N*SYNC or “Kiss Me Thru The Phone” by Soulja Boy in the background, but do you.

Read Some Fantasies on Instagram Live

Like FDR’s fireside chats, the world needs something to bring us all together right now. But because of the internet, we’re all stupider than past generations and as a group we seem to not be able to accept a good plan when we see it (elect Bernie Sanders!!!). Different times call for different measures. Every time you have a hot dream where you’re having sex with a stranger (those were the days!), write it down. Then later that night, maybe around midnight, go live on IG and read it. The freaks will come (both spellings).

Start a Petition to Bring Back Chatroulette

We need it now more than ever.

Read Judith Butler

All sluts are doing an active service in forcing you to confront internalized misogyny and the rigidity of gender roles. Brush up on your gender theory, sluts! The burden of societal morality weighs on us, but we shall prevail because we are strong and have over 20 shades of lip gloss.

Keep Washing Your Hands!

To be a dirty slut in 2020, you do need to be physically clean. Break out that fancy French soap your sugar daddy got you when he went to Paris in 2009, or that Cucumber Melon Bath & Body Works ole standard you got for yourself in 8th grade. Sluts are responsible for everything except hearts! This is canon.

Okay that’s it! Remember no sexuality is inherently moral or immoral and Socialism could save this country and fucking a stranger online is fine if you like it!!! God bless.

Julie Mitchell is a comedian and writer in New York. Follow her on Twitter @juliepoptart.