The Funniest Tweets from CNN’s Democratic Debates: Night One
Photos courtesy of Getty Images Comedy Features Democratic Primary Debates
Well, CNN totally CNN’ed the hell out of tonight’s Democratic debate, with Jake Tapper, Dana Bash and Don Lemon apparently getting all of their questions straight from Republican talking points. The framing was absurd, the antipathy towards the party’s more liberal wing was palpable, and for some reason laughable non-entity John Delaney got a tremendous amount of screentime during an interminably long and unproductive debate. Really, the main takeaway here is that Elizabeth Warren is the best communicator of progressive values in this race, while Bernie Sanders is the most passionate. Oh, also that Marianne Williamson is more than just a New Age, Goop-reading joke, but a perfectly respectable individual with a beautifully soothing demeanor who, yes, is a little too New Age-y and Goop-y to ever realistically become president.
The most enjoyable takeaway, though—and the only thing that made this ridiculously long debate tolerable—was the superb performance, once again, of our favorite comedians and writers on Twitter. This three-hour monstrosity would’ve been a suicide mission without our phone in hand, the dutiful liking of good tweets distracting us from the sheer misery of paying full attention to this thing. Here are those tweets, for anybody who wishes to relive tonight’s display through 280 characters or less of comedy.
Interesting that John Delaney says he’s against socialism but allowed himself to be publicly owned. https://t.co/OqSiaKicb0
— jsaon (@thickyrubio) July 31, 2019
A fun drinking game for tonight’s #DemDebate would be to chug an entire bottle of mezcal and then run around your neighborhood naked, yelling at parked cars.
.
.
.
That’s how drinking games work, right?— Jarrett Bellini (@JarrettBellini) July 30, 2019
This graphic for the next series of Democratic debates looks like the worst TEKKEN fighter selection screen ever. pic.twitter.com/alQRWnLZzB
— Dumb Idiot Riley Fox (@riley_fox) July 30, 2019
“The rules of the debate are simple: A candidate will speak for two minutes, then Marianne Williamson will touch her temples and place a 30-second curse on your family and home.”
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) July 30, 2019
what a completely normal opening to a presidential debate #DemDebate
— Matt Binder (@MattBinder) July 31, 2019
I know Biden isn’t in tonight’s debate but I still don’t think I can bear to watch it live because I know how bad he will suck in it.
— Dan Telfer (@dantelfer) July 31, 2019
Here’s hoping the candidates work out all their differences tonight and we don’t have to do any more debates. I cannot stand watching people argue.
— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) July 31, 2019
I’m voting for whoever is loudly breathing into their mic during Steve Bullocks speech
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 31, 2019
Bullock wins best impression of Albert Brooks in Broadcast News#DemDebate
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) July 31, 2019
I bet Marianne Williamson has watched the Cats trailer over 10,000 times so far #DemDebate
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) July 31, 2019
About to put the debate on pic.twitter.com/4PFUTq94kV
— (@lanyardigan) July 31, 2019
Oh Amy Klobuchar is the daughter of a newspaper man, no wonder she screams like a maniac to her underlings
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 31, 2019
Marianne Williamson: “If elected president, I vow to take down the Monterey Five”
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) July 31, 2019
someone shake beto, he’s only coming through at like 20 percent kennedy
— Lupus Haas (@Mobute) July 31, 2019
I don’t want to see Marianne Williamson as president, but I’d love to see her give a commencement speech at Hogwarts. Her opening statement was spellbinding. #DemDebate
— Jackée Harry (@JackeeHarry) July 31, 2019
Prediction: Beto and Mayor Pete drop out of the race and start a band together by the time the Iowa Caucus rolls around.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 31, 2019
Marianne Williamson is making history by being the first presidential candidate to be a Kristen Wiig character from 2010.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 31, 2019
Zion Marianne
Williamsons who spend
a lot of time higher
than most humans— sreekar (@sreekyshooter) July 31, 2019
live look at Warren and Sanders debating Delaney on medicare for all pic.twitter.com/TxGVq1795x
— maura quint (@behindyourback) July 31, 2019
Marianne must be so bummed that this debate is while Mercury is in Retrograde
— Jensen Karp (@JensenKarp) July 31, 2019
I get they are promoting a movie, but in my book having Hobbs and Shaw in this debate is a bridge too far pic.twitter.com/oFpOYN7YCp
— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) July 31, 2019
Bernie Sanders is both coming to take away your insurance and also promising to give too many people insurance
— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) July 31, 2019
— cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) July 31, 2019
jake tapper is just 3 republicans in a trench coat tonight #DemDebates
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) July 31, 2019
i didn’t figure tapper running interference for the gop with mindless tax soundbites, i thought he was going to reserve that for asking “as an american, would you let your child ride with ilhan omar if she were taking flying lessons”
— Lupus Haas (@Mobute) July 31, 2019
If any candidate RTs one my tweets DURING THE DEBATE, I will vote for them. #DemDebate
— Todd Barry (@toddbarry) July 31, 2019
Why is Jake Tapper being a petty bitch who lives for the drama though
— Lauren Duca (@laurenduca) July 31, 2019
Bernadette Peters as Marianne Williamson
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) July 31, 2019
Jake Tapper: “How will you implement an affordable insurance plan for those who need it most?”
Candidate: “Well, Jake, I would first…”
Jake Tapper: “Thank you, you’re out of time. Sen. Sanders, your response?”
— Jensen Karp (@JensenKarp) July 31, 2019
Sincerely ok with Delaney staying in the primary because it is very funny to me that he’s just throwing millions of his own dollars away.
— Alex Fernie (@FernieCommaAlex) July 31, 2019
Tim Ryan gives off serious “first guy to get shot in a battle” energy
— Shane Ryan (@ShaneRyanHere) July 31, 2019
If my favorite private insurance company’s logo isn’t on my crippling medical bills I’m fucking gone
— Think of Me as Fabulous Scum (@AlexFirer) July 31, 2019
RYAN: You don’t know
SANDERS: I wrote the damn bill
RYAN: [sweats through eyeballs, somehow]— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) July 31, 2019
BERNIE HITTING HIS FINISHER REPEATEDLY ON TIM RYAN, SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 31, 2019
No matter what happens, Delaney should be very proud of making it farther than any other sentient jello mold.
— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) July 31, 2019
Bernie should invite John Delaney to all his rallies so he can clown on him
— The Give Smart Guy (@BobbyBigWheel) July 31, 2019
i love my curvy private insurance. as a teenager i was often teased by my friends for my attraction to insurance plans on the expensive side, ones that were opaque and profit-driven, that the average (basic) american might refer to as “predatory.” then, as i became an adult
— Cara Weinberger (@caraweinberger) July 31, 2019
“Every night, millions of children in this country go to bed not knowing Sublime’s full catalog…” pic.twitter.com/4UFFBDTgAw
— Billy Domineau (@BillyDomineau) July 31, 2019
This debate is like summer in Brooklyn: too many cut offs
— (@JamesFolta) July 31, 2019
This debate would be so much better with Colin Quinn smoking and making unnecessary comments just off stage of the moderator.
— /m? kräCH/ (@michaelroche) July 31, 2019
Elizabeth Warren please be America’s new dad.
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) July 31, 2019
Everyone of these jerks is taking precious screen time away from Marianne Williamson AND IT NEEDS TO STOP
— Brooks Wheelan (@brookswheelan) July 31, 2019
Since no one else has the courage to say this I will. During the debates if you don’t like a question you should be able to challenge any other candidate to a sudden death dance battle.
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) July 31, 2019
Warren & Sanders: Maybe we should change the system that led us to this absolutely shamefully terrible spot
Everyone else: Or you could just make me President and I won’t tweet as much as Trump so…. there you go
— maura quint (@behindyourback) July 31, 2019
I don’t care if it’s kooky pretty mommy or smart compassionate mommy or mean Minnesota mommy I just want one of the mommies to save me
— Allen Strickland Williams (@TotallyAllen) July 31, 2019
Damn, Bernie is firing back pic.twitter.com/wiVrl6LUv6
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) July 31, 2019
anyone know whether pete is young or old? not clear to me, wish he’d say
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) July 31, 2019
the bachelorette the CNN debate
panning to another random
white dude who i SWEAR
hasn’t been there the
whole time— danny nett (@dannynett) July 31, 2019
saving a role for private insurers in your ambitious healthcare plan is kind of like remodeling your house, then transplanting all the termites
— kill tim faust (@crulge) July 29, 2019
Steve Bullock after every answer pic.twitter.com/sXEBBrsYss
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) July 31, 2019
So Hickenlooper is the boring delivery man for Jack Tapper’s class anxiety
— Michael Brooks (@_michaelbrooks) July 31, 2019
John Delaney before the debate vs. John Delaney after the debate pic.twitter.com/xHE81NxA9i
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) July 31, 2019
The five stages of grief pic.twitter.com/hW2PurhC6C
— Caleb Synan (@calebsynan) July 31, 2019
John Delaney needs to go back to his real passion, firing people right before Christmas.
— Desi (@DesiJed) July 31, 2019
I 100% believe John Delaney is the most qualified candidate on that stage to take our fledgling pencil production company back to profitability by a combination of layoffs and lower quality pencils.
— Matt Fuller (@MEPFuller) July 31, 2019
By the end of this debate Elizabeth Warren will have a pile of white dude wigs on her podium.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) July 31, 2019
Telling Bernie he doesn’t have to yell is like telling me I don’t have to get standing ovations. #DemDebate
— Todd Barry (@toddbarry) July 31, 2019
“I’m proud to have an F rating from the Daily Shower Association” pic.twitter.com/SeB06hbZDh
— Billy Domineau (@BillyDomineau) July 31, 2019
I think I speak for all of us when I say that I tuned in to hear as much as possible from John Delaney and CNN is knocking it out of the park
— Judd Legum (@JuddLegum) July 31, 2019
Dislike of John Delaney is the thing finally bringing America together again
— Will Bunch (@Will_Bunch) July 31, 2019
Ryan, Delaney, Bullock: Into the Hickenlooperverse
— Ted Leo (@tedleo) July 31, 2019
this debate is a reminder that the only correct way to answer these bullshit questions like “oh so you’re saying you want to put every billionaire in a pickle barrel” is “that’s right bitch”
— Bedtime is 10 pm (@InternetHippo) July 31, 2019
I’ll vote for the first one of these cowards who talks about the FACTS we’ve confirmed this year:
Aliens are real but shy (hate us)
Saudi Arabia did 9/11
Earth will die in our lifetimes
Marvel movies are ‘eh’
Every billionaire is a gleeful pedophile— brendan mcgowan (@brendanjmcgowan) July 31, 2019
JAKE TAPPER: Our next question is for John Delaney, with a followup by John Delaney. But first we’re going to hear from John Delaney. Congressman Delaney?
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) July 31, 2019
Do this debate again but with Williamson getting all of Delaney’s questions.
— Osita Nwanevu (@OsitaNwanevu) July 31, 2019
Delaney: Americans love their private health insurance!
Moderator: How do you know?
Delaney: Well, people are always just as excited talking about their insurance as they are meeting me— oh I understand now
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) July 31, 2019
Someone edited John Delaney’s wiki lmao pic.twitter.com/Q88cCo78On
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) July 31, 2019
Delaney is the guy in an infomercial who can’t operate a “traditional” mop.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) July 31, 2019
Marianne Williamson is the only candidate with the courage to resurrect King Paimon.
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) July 31, 2019
The thing I like best about this debate is that it’s a living archive of exotic, dying, old-timey American accents.
— Tim Marchman (@timmarchman) July 31, 2019
Perhaps the most important exchange from the debate so far pic.twitter.com/0RnK76rRTP
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) July 31, 2019
shes gonna win https://t.co/bGFygpy2aY
— Art Decider (official) (@lib_crusher) July 31, 2019
as president i will appoint a chief posting officer to revitalize the troubled takes industry
— Bedtime is 10 pm (@InternetHippo) July 31, 2019
Limiting the debate responses to 6 seconds is actually a sweet nod to Vine
— (@kadyrabbit) July 31, 2019
There shouldn’t be more presidential candidates than there are members of Slipknot
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) July 31, 2019
“These problems cropped up before I was mayor. Back when I was a kid, too young to have seen Nirvana play live.” – Mayor Pete
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 31, 2019
— Data for Progress (@DataProgress) July 31, 2019
I feel like this debate will never end and I’ll just be laying on my couch watching Delaney yell at Liz Warren for the rest of my days
— Judd Legum (@JuddLegum) July 31, 2019
I’m not even watching the debates but it’s clear from twitter that Delaney’s going to shoot himself in the heart later and miss
— Matt Braunger (@Braunger) July 31, 2019
what the moderators see when they look at the debate stage pic.twitter.com/RbEhQsIG5b
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) July 31, 2019
JAKE TAPPER: Senator Sanders, you are an old Socialist has-been who will tank the economy. Why don’t you just retire already?
BERNIE: Jake, let me—
TAPPER: The next question is for Senator Warren. Senator Warren: What’s your problem
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) July 31, 2019
Let Marianne Williamson smoke cigarettes on stage
— Carey O’Donnell (@ecareyo) July 31, 2019
Marianne Williamson is the best person to heal America’s racial divide because she co-starred in the 2000 Disney Channel original movie THE COLOR OF FRIENDSHIP
— Ira thee Third (@ira) July 31, 2019
Congratulations to John Delaney on his new job as the “liberal” who smiles and nods at everything Laura Ingraham says on her Fox News show.
— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) July 31, 2019
The four candidates who seem like characters from “I Think You Should Leave” should be disqualified after tonight.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 31, 2019
Call me crazy, but I think there are TOO many candidates up on stage! #DemDebatepic.twitter.com/Awd0MAizPW
— Patrick Cotnoir (@patrickcotnoir) July 31, 2019
Before the debate ends they should go through each candidate and make sure they got their 125 bucks from Equifax
— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) July 31, 2019
Idea for future debates: make every candidate wear clown shoes, with the size of the shoes inversely proportional to their current poll numbers
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) July 31, 2019
It’s crazy how many Democrats are actually Republicans
— Grant Pardee (@grantpardee) July 31, 2019
“I love my health insurance!” – a fucking maniac
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 31, 2019
TAPPER: senator sanders how do u respond to claims that ur a radical far-left maniac
BERNIE: well-
TAPPER: time’s up. senator warren, same question
WARREN: thats-
TAPPER: thank u senator. congressman delaney, next question is for u. how are u doing? u have 1 hour to respond
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) July 31, 2019
Who gave mayor Pete this LEGO ass haircut
— yc (@yc) July 31, 2019
I’m not sure Marianne Williamson should be President but I definitely want her to live in the White House and STARE at whoever is President.
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) July 31, 2019
Tapper: To prevent global war, would you teleport a gigantic psychic squid into the heart of New York City, killing millions?
Buttigieg: I did it 35 minutes ago— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) July 31, 2019
Elizabeth Warren is the only presidential candidate who can say “daddy” so much and have it be okay #DemDebate
— Alise Morales (@AliseNavidad) July 31, 2019
I love seeing news articles come out analyzing the debate while the debate is still going on. That makes me confident that the articles will be good and thoughtful.
— Mike DiCenzo (@mikedicenzo) July 31, 2019
I cannot stress this enough, who the fuck is Steve Bullock
— Ira thee Third (@ira) July 31, 2019
amazing that the democrats went ahead and had a debate despite the partisan optics of not having an equal number of republicans there for balance
— Lupus Haas (@Mobute) July 31, 2019