The Funniest Tweets from CNN’s Democratic Debates: Night Two
Photo courtesy of Getty Images Comedy Lists Democratic Primary Debates
Two straight nights of CNN’s three-hour-long Democratic Primary debates might feel like some kind of punishment. It’s definitely punishment for something, but no matter how brutal the last two nights have been, it’s still not nearly the punishment this dumb country of ours deserves.
The problem isn’t with the Democratic candidates, per se, or the notion of a debate. It’s with CNN, and how the cable news industry prioritizes witless glitz and gotcha infighting over substantial discussion. There’s absolutely no reason these debates had to be on two nights, other than CNN wanting to double their ratings and insure some juicy spats by tossing hopeless dead-enders like John Delaney and Michael Bennet onto the stage alongside the real candidates. One night, two hours, with the top six candidates in the latest polls, and then Marianne Williamson just for her soothing energy, and maybe Inslee or Castro tossed in because they’re actually legit despite their poor numbers: that’s what we needed at this stage of the game. Really, everybody except Sanders, Warren, Biden, Harris, Buttigieg, Booker, and maybe Inslee and Castro should just drop out now—and the only reason Biden shouldn’t is so the other candidates can continue dunking his inexplicable lead into oblivion over the next few debates.
Anyway: tonight was torture. Even Twitter could’t help. Still, I can vouch for all the tweets below: each one brought a brief moment of mirth to an otherwise miserable and meaningless night. Enjoy!
“Hey, @CNN maybe dial back all the pre and post debate hype. It’s a bit much.” – Producers of “The Bachelor”
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) July 31, 2019
I will vote for whichever candidate has a comprehensive plan to redistribute debate time away from John Delaney
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) July 31, 2019
Everyone else go home and run for Senate I just want to watch Kamala eviscerate Biden.
— The Volatile Mermaid (is on vacation) (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 1, 2019
in order to better understand the American voter I will not actually be watching the debate but forming a strong opinion on it anyway
— Johnny McNulty (@JohnnyMcNulty) August 1, 2019
Does anyone have a large cane to just yoink Biden off the stage
— Gita Jackson, Claude Wife (@xoxogossipgita) August 1, 2019
At some point Biden just became a Fred Willard Christopher Guest character. #DemDebate
— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) August 1, 2019
Biden Pledges to Extend Maginot Line
— Lupus Haas (@Mobute) August 1, 2019
Biden got annoyed that the moderators weren’t jumping in with enough Republican talking points so he took matters into his own hands.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) August 1, 2019
I wish Booker and Biden would stop fighting and do what we all want: go on a Wild-Hogs-style, rediscovering-my-youth road trip until the election is over
— ????s ????? (@JamesFolta) July 26, 2019
Michael Bennet makes Tim Ryan look like John Delaney.
— Dumb Idiot Riley Fox (@riley_fox) August 1, 2019
michael bennet respects you enough to let your employer make choices about your health plan if you ever get a full-time job again
— Lupus Haas (@Mobute) August 1, 2019
Democrat Debate Drinking Game: Drink every time one of your friends says, “But, seriously, I’d vote for ANY of them!”
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) August 1, 2019
Michael Bennet is a random senator generated by Madden. Don’t let the liberal media tell you otherwise.
— The Give Smart Guy (@BobbyBigWheel) August 1, 2019
Every single question is like “Senator Gabbard, Andrew Yang called the streak in your hair ugly. You wanna fuck him up? And if you discuss policy, I swear to god I’ll let Michael Bennet talk for way too long about whatever he wants.”
— Drew “eat the rich” Schnoebelen (@Dschnoeb) August 1, 2019
Andrew Yang is texting all his relatives to see if any of them have a disease he can use when its his turn to talk about healthcare #DemDebate
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) August 1, 2019
Andrew yang is a wife guy
— Lucy Valentine (@LucyXIV) August 1, 2019
Obviously, we need two nights of debates so Andrew Yang can get another Dave Rubin appearance and Marianne Williamson can sell us Measles.
— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) August 1, 2019
Bold of Tulsi to steal Marianne’s “sickness care” line knowing full well Marianne could hex her into oblivion #DemDebate#DemDebate2
— Alise Morales (@AliseNavidad) August 1, 2019
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON / TULSI GABBARD’S WISPY SHOCK OF GRAY HAIR 2020
— Allen Strickland Williams (@TotallyAllen) August 1, 2019
I am definitely voting for Jay Inslee, but only if it’s to play The Elderly Hulk. #DemDebate
— Michelle Collins (@michcoll) August 1, 2019
The CNN debate intro packet is indistinguishable from the intro to the stalkers in The Running Man. JAY INSLEE ALSO KNOWN AS BUZZSAW IS HERE TO MAKE SOME SERIOUS… BUDGET CUTS.
This sucks ass, friends. 640 days to go.— Brock Wilbur (@brockwilbur) August 1, 2019
I need comprehensive health insurance just to survive these debates. #DemDebate2
— Gennefer ‘Stands with the WGA’ Gross (@Gennefer) August 1, 2019
People clapping for Bill de Blasio should have to show their faces. #DemDebate2
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) August 1, 2019
Debates are the Dunk Contests Of Politics.
— Amir Blumenfeld (@jakeandamir) August 1, 2019
The 18th 2020 Democratic debate, moderated by The Food Network: each candidate randomly draws a specialty food from the home region or culture of another candidate and everybody watches them eat it while a panel of loud chefs give them a score between one and five pizza forks
— Erin Ryan (@morninggloria) August 1, 2019
I am 100% sincere when I say that I’m thrilled to be stuck in LA rush hour traffic instead of watching the debate
— Eli Olsberg (@EliOlsberg) August 1, 2019
CNN: “We should spend all our money on an Avengers style opening for this debate”
ALSO CNN: “Microphones?! I dunno, throw a few dying talk boy tape recorders on stage”
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) August 1, 2019
The “release the Snyder cut” chant at the debate was inappropriate
— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) August 1, 2019
Hoping during this debate that de Blasio casually works in any subway delays and track work that’s going on right now.
— Wyatt Cenac (@wyattcenac) August 1, 2019
I wish I had the confidence of people who didn’t make the debates and are still running for President.
— Desi (@DesiJed) July 31, 2019
These political debates have taught me: the classiest way to say, “Shut the fuck up” is “Thank you, Senator.”
— Don Nichols (@DairylandDon) August 1, 2019
Every conversation in this debate feels like two Skyrim characters trying to give you a quest at the same time
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) August 1, 2019
This debate has pivoted to letting each candidate take turns absolutely dunking all over Biden on every possible topic. Waiting for Marianne Williamson to come out and literally steal Biden’s soul.
— Drew “eat the rich” Schnoebelen (@Dschnoeb) August 1, 2019
when Yang said he would trust anyone on this stage on criminal justice over trump, Kamalas face was like “even me?”
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) August 1, 2019
Goddamn Biden is destroying his candidacy like it’s personal boundaries
— Moss Perricone (@mossperricone) August 1, 2019
Go home, Biden. #DemDebatepic.twitter.com/PHDWxpnlz2
— Jackée Harry (@JackeeHarry) August 1, 2019
fun debate game: from now on every time biden says obama yell “that’s a chunky” and take a monster hit pic.twitter.com/9LvGhj3xHd
— I think you should leave turbo team (@ITYSL) August 1, 2019
Biden’s getting bodied and everybody is going to forget about it in 10 days when Trump tries to deport Patti Lupone or something
— The Give Smart Guy (@BobbyBigWheel) August 1, 2019
Biden called Cory Booker “the president” and now I’m wondering if Booker is the second black man Biden’s ever actually talked to.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) August 1, 2019
Nah, last time there was a joke at a debate it became president. https://t.co/7glq9lfUwS
— Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) August 1, 2019
which acting class should i take if we all end up having to canvass for joe biden
— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) August 1, 2019
Having a Blast watching The Debate. Everyone is perfect #DemDebatepic.twitter.com/ldpn2max5l
— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) August 1, 2019
Thinking about the phrase “OJ live tweeting the debate” pic.twitter.com/XyvjldAG5z
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) August 1, 2019
I respect that the debate has devolved into a bunch of cops trying to argue about who is the biggest cop.
— chris person (@Papapishu) August 1, 2019
It’s cool that we’re getting so much Michael Bennett considering if you got cornered by him at a party you’d fake a heart attack to get out of talking to him.
— Matt Christman (@cushbomb) August 1, 2019
isn’t it time mankind did something about mercury before the retrograde shit does us all in? do we need mercury? i think not, and when i’m president i will aim all of our missiles directly at mercury and destroy it. thank you and god bless
— el-p (@therealelp) July 31, 2019
What Jay Inslee just said is inaccurate. He WAS a black teenager in his past. #revealthetruth#bboyinslee#DemDebate
— Troy Walker (@TroyWalkeresq) August 1, 2019
Somehow Bennet is both shouting and napping at the same time.
— Matt Stoller (@matthewstoller) August 1, 2019
I just heard “the Gold standard.” Are they talking about me?! #DemDebate
— Todd Barry (@toddbarry) August 1, 2019
i’ll give michael bennet $10 if he can fit an entire tic tac in his mouth
— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) August 1, 2019
Yang/Kevin-Costner-in-Waterworld 2020
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) August 1, 2019
Inslee: If this one problem isn’t addressed, literally nothing discussed on this stage will hap…
Moderator: MOVING ON…
— David Roberts (@drvox) August 1, 2019
Jay Inslee pic.twitter.com/lzkxCEbUdE
— Grant Pardee (@grantpardee) August 1, 2019
Biden at the debates tonight https://t.co/iWjrcA4YVW
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) August 1, 2019
andrew yang: i’m bringing in the disaffected trump voters, conservatives, libertarians, pepes, incels, mgtows, bronies, egirls, tiktok influencers
— Matt Binder (@MattBinder) August 1, 2019
Castro: Thank you Barack Obama
Audience: cheers
Biden, under his breath: WHAT THE FUCK— maura quint (@behindyourback) August 1, 2019
if joe biden becomes the democratic candidate i’m going to dig a hole in the ground and establish a new subterranean country where we will live peacefully among the moles
— Mary Ellen (@alissacaliente) August 1, 2019
“Congresswoman Gabbard, in X-Men #450 you absorbed Captain Marvel’s powers, but then in X-Men #473, you’d returned back to normal?? Also what was up with you and Banshee, because there was definitely some tension there.”
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 1, 2019
the winner of tonights debate is this rerun of Barney Miller I turned to a half hour ago #demdebate
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) August 1, 2019
Running for President is rude.
— Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) August 1, 2019
There are like six dudes at these debates who aren’t even functionally running for president; they’re basically starting a podcast on all of our time.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 1, 2019
julian castro is the personification of when you find a $20 bill in your pocket
— ziwe (@ziwe) August 1, 2019
is 30330 a zip code where we’ll find the next clue or something
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) August 1, 2019
This debate makes me want to cannonball into a vat of hydrofluoric acid.
— Matt Christman (@cushbomb) August 1, 2019
Honestly impressed Tulsi Gabbard found another opportunity wear that sleek white pantsuit from her conversion therapy rituals
— Ira thee Third (@ira) August 1, 2019
This is such a crazy audition process to be Elizabeth Warren’s VP
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) August 1, 2019
Andrew Yang: we’re fucked. Here’s $1,000 to move your family away from water.
— Sam Stein (@samstein) August 1, 2019
none of these candidates addressed the growing power of dark psychic forces, the only issue that matters
— Oliver Willis (@owillis) August 1, 2019