Unglued: Looking Into Jack White’s Future

Comedy Features Jack White

Back in February, The White Stripes officially called it quits. Unlike with Jay-Z, this retirement seems legit. But don’t fret, Stripeheads. If there’s one thing frontman Jack White loves, it’s a good side project. And while he says he’s done with bands, a quick gaze into Paste’s crystal ball reveals a busy future.

Animal Planet
Responding only to the name White Tiger, Jack joins members from animal-monikered groups Deer Tick, Cat Power and Panda Bear. His goal is to make the next Pet Sounds, only this time using actual sounds from pets. Brian Wilson’s dog provides guest vocals on “Sloop Jack B.”

Jack in the Box
Jack takes the side project to new heights, specifically 80 stories above Times Square. He and magician David Blaine lock themselves in an 8’x8’ glass-bottomed steel box, and Blaine tries to get them out before they lose all of their oxygen. While Blaine furiously works the indoor lock, Jack improvises songs based on the harrowing experience. Come for the music, stay to see if they survive!

140 Characters or Less
Who says tweeting is pointless and ruining America’s ability to create coherent thoughts? Jack gets interactive and turns your tweets into guitar-based pop songs. Each song is under 20 seconds, allowing for 150 songs per album.

Jack & Coke
After writing a song for Coca-Cola, Jack converts some of the other greatest commercial jingles into hits. Early edits of leaked track “Whazzup?” sound promising.

You think that someone as cool as Jack White wouldn’t want to work with Justin Bieber? BieberWhite taps into Jack’s poppy side, which can only be properly enjoyed by the Biebs’ nine-to-eleven-year-old fan base. He can also finally use unfinished White Stripes songs like “Baby Yeah! Baby Uh Huh!!,” “I’m a Boy!” and “Baby Yeah! I’m a Boy!!”

The Harry Potter 8
In honor of the summer release of the final installment of Harry Potter, Jack releases eight songs, one tune for every Wizard-happy film. Jack’s intention is to summarize each of these epic movies one three-minute song at a time. “Voldemort’s A Dick” will be his greatest song since “Seven Nation Army.”

Side to Side
A side project that actually covers other successful side projects—The Postal Service, The Bird and The Bee, She & Him and Sebadoh. Hidden track—“Handle Me with Care” by the Traveling Wilburys. Jack hides the song because the Wilburys aren’t technically a side project, and he wants Side to Side to have the full integrity of a side project. On another hidden track, you can actually hear him argue with the sound mixer about supergroups vs. side projects.

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