The Funniest Tweets about Jeff Bezos’ Space Flight
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The world’s richest man took a short jaunt to the edge of space yesterday, and why shouldn’t he? After destroying brick-and-mortar retail and innovating new ways to dehumanize and exploit his employees, Jeff Bezos earned his seven minutes in (almost) Heaven. He even let future generations share in his adventure, inviting along a teen sidekick who paid millions for the chance. Sure, Amazon employees are subject to poor conditions, low pay, and brutal time management, and Bezos could have helped address any number of ills facing the planet we still actually live on with the money he dumped into the 11 minutes he spent (not actually) in space, but it’s his money (I guess?) and he can do what he wants with it (until, y’know, the revolution comes).
That doesn’t mean we can’t take pleasure in pointing out how abjectly absurd and pathetic the whole thing is. As pretty much everybody with a brain and a conscience has pointed out over the last couple of years, nothing sums up the extreme wealth disparity of late capitalism better than billionaires rushing to beat each other into outer space, while ignoring the problems here on Earth that their obscene fortunes could help alleviate. And since Bezos is already one of the easiest people in the world to make fun of, his short space trip was especially rife for great digs on Twitter.
Let’s jump into it. Here are the best jokes about Jeff Bezos and Blue Origin’s first human flight, which will apparently usher in a new era of commercial travel just to the very cusp of space, or something. Enjoy the tweets, follow the tweeters, and please God help me find the strength to stop shopping at Amazon.
Jeff Bezos leaving earth will be the first time he’s given back to the planet
— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) July 20, 2021
JEFF BEZOS TRYNA SHOOT A DICK FULLA DICKS INTO OUTER SPACE VERY CHILDISH
— THE KID MERO (@THEKIDMERO) July 21, 2021
Jeff Bezos’s three stated life goals were to go to space, get divorced, and ruin everything. Check check check baby!
— Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) July 21, 2021
Jeff Bezos is making his first trip to space today. It’s amazing that in our lifetime, he could create jobs that pay less than a living wage on other planets, too
— Nick Jack Pappas (@Pappiness) July 20, 2021
Jeff Bezos isn’t even the handsomest rich bald freak on the space ship. pic.twitter.com/I0FmKnS8PO
— David Iserson (@davidiserson) July 21, 2021
Bezos saying “Houston we have a problem” but cause some employees are trying to unionize
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) July 20, 2021
Today’s space flight was 11 minutes longer than an Amazon employee bathroom break.
— Riley Silverman (@rileyjsilverman) July 20, 2021
I wish the story behind the Bezos astronaut thing was “…but his employees didn’t like him so they shot him into space…”
— Frank Conniff (@FrankConniff) July 20, 2021
I hope when Jeff Bezos goes into space the space rays turn him into a space ape and he has to come back and live his whole life as a space ape.
— Ian Karmel (@IanKarmel) July 20, 2021
Jeff Bezos you have the ability to end world hunger. You also have the ability to take a teen to space. Which do you— oh ok that was fast
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) July 20, 2021
His flight lasted 10 minutes, or as Amazon employees call it, maternity leave. https://t.co/UaJJfPZxtr
— Late Night with Seth Meyers (@LateNightSeth) July 20, 2021
I’m sorry for financing Bezos’ trip to space. It was lockdown and my kids wanted a trampoline.
— Matt Goldich (@MattGoldich) July 21, 2021
You’ve gotta hand it to Jeff Bezos (a bottle of his employees’ pee. You have to hand it to him it would be funny.)
— David Iserson (@davidiserson) July 20, 2021
Jeff Bezos combines his two greatest lifelong endeavors, space travel and finding the clitoris pic.twitter.com/d1KK5Uk9Ur
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) July 20, 2021
The entire internet watching Jeff Bezos fly into space. pic.twitter.com/3g7bxjNETM
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) July 20, 2021
I wish the networks were funnier and pixelated/blurred Bezos’ dick rocket.
— Adam Newman (@Adam_Newman) July 20, 2021
Jeff Bezos is a coward and a nerd for not also giving his dick-rocket a nutsack.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 20, 2021
Ted Cruz was the inspiration for Jeff Bezos space rocket.
— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) July 20, 2021
(dying of COVID while incurring $80K of medical debt that will be passed on to my children) i love the bezos space man https://t.co/1lPKk8Byl7
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) July 20, 2021
Bezos still spent less on going to space than he did on The Romanoffs
— Matt Goldich (@MattGoldich) July 20, 2021
Jeff Bezos takes one giant step toward spending billions to create a shitty custom sightseeing company
— h. jon benjamin (@HJBenjamin) July 20, 2021
Jeff Bezos is charging someone $28 million for 11 minutes in space, which sounds just about right for the owner of Whole Foods.
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) July 20, 2021
if you work piss-in-a-bottle hard for long enough then you too can watch your boss’ boss’ boss’ tax cheat boss go on a ten minute almost space vacation. aew dynamite tomorrow at 8pm
— HANGMAN PAGE (@theAdamPage) July 20, 2021
Jeff Bezos’s last words will be “where’s the fucking ejector seat in this fucking thing” and I think that’s beautiful
— Abraham Riesman (@abrahamjoseph) July 19, 2021
Everyone should get an Amazon gift card for having to hear this shit all day.
— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) July 20, 2021
Wow, Jeff Bezos went to space before his company’s workers even ate breakfast this morning!*
*They were not given a break and also could not afford breakfast.
— Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) July 20, 2021
so the big news that everyone is talking about is is jeff bezos went to space….probably to the planet Omega Dumbass Prime. Or something like that. i dont know, i dont know the guy
— greg (@weedguy420boner) July 20, 2021
Jeff Bezos looked down and saw the graceful curvature of the earth and marveled at the peaceful interplay of the planet’s blue and green vastnesses. It changed him. “I’m going to take even more HGH,” he told crewmates. “A lot more. Also I’d like to get divorced a few more times.”
— David Roth (@david_j_roth) July 20, 2021
The lesson of the Bezos space flight is: All the material wealth in the world can’t make you feel less bad about your dick. Dick confidence must come from within.
— Erin And A Half Ryan (@morninggloria) July 20, 2021
People joke Jeff Bezos being divorced as his reason for going to space. Did Marco Polo explore due to a divorce? No. Did Columbus? No! They did it because they ate some crumb off the ground that tasted good and when they asked a boy nearby for more the boy pointed in the distance
— cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) July 20, 2021
Blue Origin Dildos are now available on Amazon.
— Desi (@DesiJed) July 20, 2021
My favorite Jeff Bezos fact is as a kid he was one of the subjects of a book about child prodigies and the guy roasted him a bit for being a weird loser “with no leadership skills” and anyway that’s like the one book it’s hard to buy on Amazon
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) July 20, 2021
“mom, i was in SPACE. i think i can go to the movies this weekend…” -the bezos space teen
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) July 20, 2021
With the money Jeff Bezos spent on a joy ride into space, he could have done something worthwhile for humanity, like implant his brain into a giant robot and facefuck Mount Rushmore.
— Mark Peters (@wordlust) July 21, 2021