The world’s richest man took a short jaunt to the edge of space yesterday, and why shouldn’t he? After destroying brick-and-mortar retail and innovating new ways to dehumanize and exploit his employees, Jeff Bezos earned his seven minutes in (almost) Heaven. He even let future generations share in his adventure, inviting along a teen sidekick who paid millions for the chance. Sure, Amazon employees are subject to poor conditions, low pay, and brutal time management, and Bezos could have helped address any number of ills facing the planet we still actually live on with the money he dumped into the 11 minutes he spent (not actually) in space, but it’s his money (I guess?) and he can do what he wants with it (until, y’know, the revolution comes).
That doesn’t mean we can’t take pleasure in pointing out how abjectly absurd and pathetic the whole thing is. As pretty much everybody with a brain and a conscience has pointed out over the last couple of years, nothing sums up the extreme wealth disparity of late capitalism better than billionaires rushing to beat each other into outer space, while ignoring the problems here on Earth that their obscene fortunes could help alleviate. And since Bezos is already one of the easiest people in the world to make fun of, his short space trip was especially rife for great digs on Twitter.
Let’s jump into it. Here are the best jokes about Jeff Bezos and Blue Origin’s first human flight, which will apparently usher in a new era of commercial travel just to the very cusp of space, or something. Enjoy the tweets, follow the tweeters, and please God help me find the strength to stop shopping at Amazon.
Jeff Bezos is making his first trip to space today. It’s amazing that in our lifetime, he could create jobs that pay less than a living wage on other planets, too
if you work piss-in-a-bottle hard for long enough then you too can watch your boss’ boss’ boss’ tax cheat boss go on a ten minute almost space vacation. aew dynamite tomorrow at 8pm
so the big news that everyone is talking about is is jeff bezos went to space….probably to the planet Omega Dumbass Prime. Or something like that. i dont know, i dont know the guy
Jeff Bezos looked down and saw the graceful curvature of the earth and marveled at the peaceful interplay of the planet’s blue and green vastnesses. It changed him. “I’m going to take even more HGH,” he told crewmates. “A lot more. Also I’d like to get divorced a few more times.”
The lesson of the Bezos space flight is: All the material wealth in the world can’t make you feel less bad about your dick. Dick confidence must come from within.
— Erin And A Half Ryan (@morninggloria) July 20, 2021
People joke Jeff Bezos being divorced as his reason for going to space. Did Marco Polo explore due to a divorce? No. Did Columbus? No! They did it because they ate some crumb off the ground that tasted good and when they asked a boy nearby for more the boy pointed in the distance
My favorite Jeff Bezos fact is as a kid he was one of the subjects of a book about child prodigies and the guy roasted him a bit for being a weird loser “with no leadership skills” and anyway that’s like the one book it’s hard to buy on Amazon
With the money Jeff Bezos spent on a joy ride into space, he could have done something worthwhile for humanity, like implant his brain into a giant robot and facefuck Mount Rushmore.
