The Funniest Tweets about the Mueller Report’s Delivery
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So this guy Bob Mueller turned in some kind of report about the president or something to whoever our attorney general is. I guess it’s important? I don’t know, I just know it was suddenly the only thing Twitter was talking about starting like an hour ago. I don’t know the news, I just know jokes, and these seem to count, I guess. (Who’s the president again, anyway?)
So yeah, I mean, if you want to read some internet jokes from the websites, about this Mueller guy and his homework, or whatever, here you go. Here’s a lot of ‘em, from a bunch of people who bothered to set up a Twitter thing. They all seem pretty okay, as far as jokes go, even if I don’t really understand what they’re about. Man, this job would make a lot more sense to me if people tweeted this much about that Garfield restaurant, or why they’re angry about Star Wars. You know, regular stuff like that, for all us normal types who don’t have time to learn about the politics. Gimme some football jokes already!
These aren’t those. These are tweets about the Mueller Report. If you know what that is, well, good for you, I guess. These jokes might make sense to you.
Mueller: “so I wrote a thing”
— The Give Smart Guy (@BobbyBigWheel) March 22, 2019
Robert Mueller sweating in front of his laptop, staring at a Word doc containing only the words “The Mueller Report” and a blinking cursor
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) March 22, 2019
mueller takes out a legal pad and sharpens a #2 pencil
“okay here we go”— lafix (@lafix) March 22, 2019
What if The Mueller Report is taking this long because Robert Mueller is old and bad at typing?
— Langston Kerman (@LangstonKerman) March 22, 2019
regardless of what the mueller report actually says, we can all agree everyone will be tweeting and photoshopping things it doesn’t. And that should be good for a few days of content
— Dollars Horton Official (@crushingbort) March 22, 2019
I’ve been in Robert Mueller’s position before and let me tell you, he has not written shit
— Tim Murphy (@timothypmurphy) March 21, 2019
Mueller’s just gonna take a quick nap and then work on the report when he gets up…. https://t.co/h5zsUx5dCt
— Liz Charboneau (@lizchar) March 21, 2019
By law, all federal officials have to take a big mouthful of coffee right before they open up the Mueller report
— Devin Nunes’ Johnny McNulty (@JohnnyMcNulty) March 22, 2019
oh sick… i just got a copy of the mueller report. it says, seth is cool and fun and everyone loves his new jacket. send tweet
— Seth Simons (@sasimons) March 22, 2019
it’s Mueller time. Logging off for ten thousand years. See y’all in America 2
— Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) March 22, 2019
Donald Trump is waiting for FOX news to analyze the Mueller report the way he wants and he has “NO COLLUSION” waiting in his drafts no matter the outcome.
— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) March 22, 2019
Mueller getting home to a DVR backlogged with two years’ worth of Real Housewives episodes
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) March 22, 2019
Do you think Mueller’s gonna finally start Russian Doll tonight?
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) March 22, 2019
Weird choice for Mueller to release his report in the notes app but hey it’s 2019
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) March 22, 2019
It would be kinda funny if the Mueller report is like Trump’s medical evaluation and it says that actually he’s a very good boy with big hands that didn’t do crimes.
— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) March 22, 2019
The Mueller Report: Uneven at times, yet resonates
— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) March 22, 2019
I just wanna know if the Mueller report takes place in the DC or Marvel universe
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) March 22, 2019
Bob Mueller finally gets to kick back and cut loose tonight, maybe put some croutons on his side salad, maybe have a Diet Coke after 7pm!
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) March 22, 2019
here’s my mueller report: americans seem to say it ‘muller.’ very upset about this. more to come
— Lucy Valentine (@LucyXIV) March 22, 2019
BREAKING: I’ve read the Mueller report and it is a breathtaking expose into the resilience of the human spirit told through the adventures of a young baker named Torún and his sidekick, a talking candelabra
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) March 22, 2019
the mueller report pic.twitter.com/d8FBgCkywZ
— John DeVore (@JohnDeVore) March 22, 2019
Mueller guesting on Maron to promote the report
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) March 22, 2019
I mean yes the Mueller report but SUPERNATURAL IS ENDING let’s not bury the lede.
— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) March 22, 2019
been hearing a lot of ppl say “it’s mueller time” today and I just want to let you know that particular phrase is trademarked property of the miller brewing company and you’re all going to fucking jail
— chair admirer (@KrangTNelson) March 22, 2019
mueller is such a drama queen, trying to steal the glory of national puppy day for himself
— Erin cheap finland baby Ryan (@morninggloria) March 22, 2019
First line of the Mueller report: “I didn’t fuck my cat. I didn’t cum on my cat.”
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) March 22, 2019
At this point I would not be surprised if the Mueller report ends with “oh and Eva Longoria did Watergate. Thank you.”
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) March 22, 2019
UPDATE: We’re not sure what this means about the actual contents, but the Mueller report is in Comic Sans.
— Disalmanac (@Disalmanac) March 22, 2019
I would pay money to have Elizabeth Holmes read the Mueller Report to me
— Brett Ryland (@brettryland) March 22, 2019
wow was not expecting the mueller report to include this: IMG_4346.jpeg
— andy levy (@andylevy) March 22, 2019
Whoa, the Mueller report is a detailed treatise on how to pronounce “Mueller”!
— Jon Daly (@jondaly) March 22, 2019
Can’t believe he’s cashing in already. Shame pic.twitter.com/JNJbtvXHQh
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) March 22, 2019
Comedy people give me your best 150 Mueller jokes don’t worry if they’re terrible GO
— scharpling (@scharpling) March 22, 2019
what if the final page of the mueller report is a perfect march madness bracket
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) March 22, 2019
Oh hell yeah! Excited to find out if Trump is bad, baby!
— Dumb Idiot Riley Fox (@riley_fox) March 22, 2019
Looking forward to hating Mueller soon.
— Desi (@DesiJed) March 22, 2019
the mueller report: pic.twitter.com/iFfYrYWq9E
— ziwe (@ziwe) March 22, 2019
REMEMBER: The Mueller Report isn’t the end, it’s the beginning (of people writing and hawking books about the mueller report on this website)
— jack allison (@jackallisonLOL) March 22, 2019
People are putting all their hopes in the Mueller report even though they know they’ll never actually read it. This must be how it felt when the Bible came out.
— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) March 22, 2019
The most important part of the Mueller Report is that you must have a joke about it and you must have it now
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) March 22, 2019
I see everyone’s being pretty chill about this Mueller thing.
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) March 22, 2019
Republicans reading the Mueller Report pic.twitter.com/0WJOxFHtAr
— Jules Suzdaltsev (@jules_su) March 22, 2019
fuck mueller reports were due today? i havent even started mine
— Mike F (@mikefossey) March 22, 2019
If Mueller really released his report, why aren’t all his friends plugging it on Twitter?
— Josh Comers (@joshcomers) March 22, 2019