The Valentine’s Day Drama with My Boyfriend, the Snowboard Emoji
Photo courtesy of NBC Sports
NOTE: THIS STORY IS FULL OF PENDING LEGALITY AND IS STILL DEVELOPING. IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE THE SNOWBOARD EMOJI IS HIDING OUT, PLEASE CONTACT THE AUTHORITIES IN PYEONGCHANG IMMEDIATELY.
I woke up Friday feeling hollower than the tailpipe of the Corolla I’d lost my virginity to. Within minutes, I would realize my credit card had been stolen by my lover, . Within hours, I would realize he had taken a flight to Pyeongchang in an attempt to make a name for himself at the Winter Olympics. By that night, I and a billion others would see my deceitful fuck-friend
board in the Opening Ceremonies with ill-gotten cash and no shame.
The snowboard emoji wasn’t sleeping next to me when I awoke last Friday, but that was nothing new—such was our arrangement, one that involved me purchasing him IMAX movie tickets and him going down on me in the back of the theater. Then, sometimes, Denny’s.
“I don’t understand why I have to pay extra for an IMAX ticket if you’re just going to go down on me the whole time anyways,” I say through a mouthful of the cheapest gravy biscuit available at Denny’s. I think it’s called “Dennis’s Biscuit.”
“It’s called atmosphere, Jamie,” says, chewing on the three country-fried steaks he insisted I pay for. “If you’re saying you want me to go down on you during a screening of I, Tonya that isn’t in Dolby surround, then you have mistaken me.”
I choose not to argue. and I have been hooking up for a few months now and I don’t feel great about it, but it’s the sort of thing of where, when you have a crush on someone long enough and they finally see you, you sort of take what you can get. This is not a good example of self-respect, according to the nine books on self-respect my therapist has sent me with his Amazon Prime (showoff) account.
“You excited about the Olympics?” I ask as footage from Pyeongchang plays in the background.
I expect a no, even from a snowboarder—everyone knows that the Olympics are for the lonely and elderly people who want to feel less racist. But just as he did by getting too toothy in the IMAX screening of Jumanji last week, surprises me.
“I love the Olympics,” he says. “I want to go more than anything in the world.”
“I’ve never actually seen you snowboard,” I reply.
glares at me through his stupid idiot goggles. “Well, I do,” he says, studying my gravy-crusted hand as I lay my credit card down. “I’ll show you. I do.”