The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo published to Wikipedia under a Creative Commons license
Some notes on this week: baseball’s back, for some reason, and the biggest new trend sweeping the majors is COVID-19. Multiple games have been postponed due to multiple positive tests, including like half the Miami Marlins, who were already a major league team in spirit only. The pandemic continues to disrupt every aspect of modern life, with no end in warning, and no coherent leadership coming from the institutions we’d typically look to during such a crisis. Also there’s a new Muppets show on TV. I don’t know, even the concept of a week has broken down, to the point where I can’t tell if I’m writing this intro right now or if I wrote it last month. It’s all been one long, uninterrupted blur since March and we’ll be wading through it for months to come still. I wish for the best for you and yours during these trying times, and hey, here are some tweets. Follow the tweeters, if you can. Thank you.
HEARTWARMING: 104 year old grandmother gets a full time job working 18 hours a day at a bonemeal processing plant with 185 confirmed coronavirus cases, all to afford both Christmas gifts for her grandkids and her insulin at the same time. Full story on our website!
— kai (@kaichoyce) July 24, 2020
every red sox player who refuses to take a knee in solidarity at a game is spiritually named sully https://t.co/daGkWkTGtk
— jamieloftus (@jamieloftusHELP) July 25, 2020
my biggest career goal is to get off twitter
— ziwe (@ziwe) July 25, 2020
let’s all save USPS by being horny for Bugs Bunny https://t.co/C8lbWr0Miv
— LB Hunktears (@hunktears) July 24, 2020
Girls with Ouija board: omg ok does Josh have a crush on Katie
Me, the spirit of a Medieval serf: man I don’t fuckin know. Sure— Sophie (@jil_slander) July 25, 2020
Another day being in a good healthy marriage logging on twitter to publicly tell my billionaire husband to please stop doing epic trolling posts he saw on reddit 3 years ago and come home to spend some time with his newborn baby C3PØ-420
— Wild Geerters (@classiclib3ral) July 25, 2020
Mr. Met is always watching. pic.twitter.com/T63c6mnTZQ
— A Jason Tabrys (@jtabrys) July 25, 2020
The thing I will miss most about the Olympics this year is idly turning on a sport I’ve never seen before, and ten minutes later muttering ‘my god she’s going to need more than a 4.7 if she wants to wrestle her title back from the Hungarian’
— Tessa Coates (@TessaCoates) July 25, 2020
When bars open back up I’m still ordering the fucked up drinks I invented during quarantine. cherry coke and scotch for the whole crew
— eli yudin (@eliyudin) July 25, 2020
it’s a damn shame that THE SURREAL LIFE isn’t around anymore because we could throw like rachel dolezal and ben shapiro and like … cliven bundy and the krassensteins into a los feliz mansion for some cringe tv
— Bill Hanstock (@sundownmotel) July 25, 2020
If I was Maria and I was hearing them sing “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria” at my wedding I would be like, why are you singing that mean song about me & why do all of you know it
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) July 26, 2020
when I discover that the cure for the dreaded novel coronavirus COVID-19 is not, as I had previously believed, “play baseball” pic.twitter.com/ifbygoT8nj
— Ethan Booker (@Ethan_Booker) July 27, 2020
Of course all the baseball players are getting Covid. Those guys are constantly handling bats.
— Robby Slowik (@RobbySlowik) July 27, 2020
If there’s one thing white men love it’s loudly making business deals on balconies
— kai (@kaichoyce) July 27, 2020
my favorite thing about sports in 2020 is that every league did a massive overhaul of its rules and regulations in no time flat, trying to squeeze out a compromised version of its product, proving that they’re all just as fake as professional wrestling.
— colette arrand (@colettearrand) July 28, 2020
I’m going to die in 7 days from reading this sentence. https://t.co/fTXorbTVkM
— chief moore: get fired, bitch. (@fakemikemulloy) July 28, 2020
Choose you fighter Garth Maul or Darth Brooks? pic.twitter.com/l8d6O4pxsA
— Garrett Means (@gmeans98) July 28, 2020
this is the twilight summer for my A/C unit. it’s not so much cooling my bedroom as it is telling me about the previous places it has cooled. i just lay here quietly and listen. respect your elders.
— shalewa sharpe, out here mattering (@silkyjumbo) July 28, 2020
I didn’t know what I was looking at for awhile lmao pic.twitter.com/27lQmK0GWG
— gen (@gendenslow) July 27, 2020
Just imagine seeing this image with no context in 2014 pic.twitter.com/wI80vLabNV
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) July 29, 2020
Shout out to all the demon sperm out there, doin’ its thing, tryin’ to make little demons to pitter patter around the demon house in a demon cul de sac and whatnot.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) July 30, 2020
.@Pixar A very small moth just flew into my printer while it was printing, is that anything
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) July 30, 2020
How had I never seen this powerful depiction of the time a furry stole Christ? pic.twitter.com/tG3Daz1yY2
— James Colley (@JamColley) July 30, 2020
You take the Blue Pill, the story ends. You take the Fred Pill, you get the essential vitamins and minerals you need to support your healthy growing body pic.twitter.com/lIOEBSN0cg
— limited breadsticks (@limitlessjest) July 30, 2020
[That scene from American Psycho with Huey Lewis and the News, but it’s a thirty-something white guy telling you about the decline in quality of The Simpsons after seasons 7, 8, and/or 9.]
— Xalavier Nelson Jr. @ Werewolf Bar Mitzvah (@WritNelson) July 30, 2020
as if anyone is going to remember who this fucking grifter canteloupe is in 3 to 4 years https://t.co/HU2mrraG1S
— Fucked Up (@FUCKEDUP) July 31, 2020
on my way to solve a murder mystery in the english countryside pic.twitter.com/rKazaDEo6w
— the moon’s wife (@lilycirque) July 30, 2020
trump’s handling of covid has been a graveyard smash
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) July 30, 2020
While we can’t go outside or do anything at least we’ve got the internet to fill our days and nights, a completely healthy alternative to taking part in activities with real life friends
— scharpling (@scharpling) July 31, 2020
Earthquake or not, normalize texting your friends at 4:30 am about your fear of impending death
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) July 30, 2020