Some notes on this week: baseball’s back, for some reason, and the biggest new trend sweeping the majors is COVID-19. Multiple games have been postponed due to multiple positive tests, including like half the Miami Marlins, who were already a major league team in spirit only. The pandemic continues to disrupt every aspect of modern life, with no end in warning, and no coherent leadership coming from the institutions we’d typically look to during such a crisis. Also there’s a new Muppets show on TV. I don’t know, even the concept of a week has broken down, to the point where I can’t tell if I’m writing this intro right now or if I wrote it last month. It’s all been one long, uninterrupted blur since March and we’ll be wading through it for months to come still. I wish for the best for you and yours during these trying times, and hey, here are some tweets. Follow the tweeters, if you can. Thank you.
HEARTWARMING: 104 year old grandmother gets a full time job working 18 hours a day at a bonemeal processing plant with 185 confirmed coronavirus cases, all to afford both Christmas gifts for her grandkids and her insulin at the same time. Full story on our website!
Another day being in a good healthy marriage logging on twitter to publicly tell my billionaire husband to please stop doing epic trolling posts he saw on reddit 3 years ago and come home to spend some time with his newborn baby C3PØ-420
The thing I will miss most about the Olympics this year is idly turning on a sport I’ve never seen before, and ten minutes later muttering ‘my god she’s going to need more than a 4.7 if she wants to wrestle her title back from the Hungarian’
it’s a damn shame that THE SURREAL LIFE isn’t around anymore because we could throw like rachel dolezal and ben shapiro and like … cliven bundy and the krassensteins into a los feliz mansion for some cringe tv
If I was Maria and I was hearing them sing “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria” at my wedding I would be like, why are you singing that mean song about me & why do all of you know it
when I discover that the cure for the dreaded novel coronavirus COVID-19 is not, as I had previously believed, “play baseball” pic.twitter.com/ifbygoT8nj
my favorite thing about sports in 2020 is that every league did a massive overhaul of its rules and regulations in no time flat, trying to squeeze out a compromised version of its product, proving that they’re all just as fake as professional wrestling.
this is the twilight summer for my A/C unit. it’s not so much cooling my bedroom as it is telling me about the previous places it has cooled. i just lay here quietly and listen. respect your elders.
— shalewa sharpe, out here mattering (@silkyjumbo) July 28, 2020
Shout out to all the demon sperm out there, doin’ its thing, tryin’ to make little demons to pitter patter around the demon house in a demon cul de sac and whatnot.
You take the Blue Pill, the story ends. You take the Fred Pill, you get the essential vitamins and minerals you need to support your healthy growing body pic.twitter.com/lIOEBSN0cg
— limited breadsticks (@limitlessjest) July 30, 2020
[That scene from American Psycho with Huey Lewis and the News, but it’s a thirty-something white guy telling you about the decline in quality of The Simpsons after seasons 7, 8, and/or 9.]
— Xalavier Nelson Jr. @ Werewolf Bar Mitzvah (@WritNelson) July 30, 2020
as if anyone is going to remember who this fucking grifter canteloupe is in 3 to 4 years https://t.co/HU2mrraG1S
While we can’t go outside or do anything at least we’ve got the internet to fill our days and nights, a completely healthy alternative to taking part in activities with real life friends
