The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo from UnsplashIt can be hard to focus on anything right now, given how much turmoil the world is in. Between the climate crisis, the Trump administration’s all-out assault on political and societal norms, and the utterly uninspiring response to that from America’s only other political party of note, you’d be forgiven for tuning everything out and just gorging on 90 Day Fiancé until your power and internet gets shut off. There’s another way to cope with the madness of the world, though—not a healthier way, per se, or are more interesting or entertaining way, but a way, nonetheless, and that’s to just spend all day staring at Twitter. Sometimes it’ll enrage you, sometimes it’ll make you laugh, but mostly it’ll just keep you in this weird state that’s both narcotized and absolutely stressed out—this fragile emotional limbo where every possible feeling blurs together, where everything matters despite absolutely nothing mattering at all. It’s nice!
Here are the funniest tweets from that space over the last week. Dig ‘em and follow the folks who did ‘em.
I can’t believe it’s been 19 years since Dennis Miller was funny.
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) September 11, 2020
are they bowling TO EARN SOUP or are they bowling on BEHALF OF SOUP
— a(cab)my (@100blechs) September 11, 2020
my son hasn’t seen another child in 5 months but at least now he can’t go outside at all either! and the air inside is also bad!
— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) September 11, 2020
it’s the freakin weekend baby i’m about to h?a?v?e? ?m?e? ?s?o?m?e? ?f?u?n?
sit in a chair— friend (@bobby) September 12, 2020
constantly thinking about how bad Family Circus messed up in 2002 pic.twitter.com/dDGBH2PKPI
— bioNICKle (@OneTrickTofani) September 11, 2020
Why is the cooking video trying to make me horny? pic.twitter.com/LUUgUkZsQn
— Desi (@DesiJed) September 10, 2020
My advice to young journalists is to steal the laptop if they give you one
— Katie McDonough (@kmcdonovgh) September 11, 2020
Not to get political, but I’d say two of the things I miss most from the Obama years are being able to breathe air outside and being able to breathe air inside
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) September 12, 2020
I bet his name is Spot pic.twitter.com/hOmgiCaDcm
— Living Morganism (@ok_girlfriend) September 12, 2020
ain’t no way perseus snuck up on medusa with them thangs clapping pic.twitter.com/lih7IaPLFR
— William Vercetti (@williamvercetti) September 12, 2020
I actually think all of these guys were Dmitry pic.twitter.com/U2F6SCeVcq
— Brooks Otterlake (@i_zzzzzz) September 13, 2020
here’s my impression of a person who used to be active in their communities but then got famous: “vote! :)”
— jamieloftus (@jamieloftusHELP) September 13, 2020
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
— hype (@TheHyyyype) September 13, 2020
My doordash driver picked up my food, drove due north and got on the highway… are they starting a new life with my orange chicken
— eli yudin (@eliyudin) September 14, 2020
I’m normally not a fan of corporate tie-ins, but I’d be down with a promotion where the Coppertone dog goes around disrobing other corporate mascots. the Quaker Oats guy, for example
— POTHEAD TRUMP (@django) September 14, 2020
The worst kind of harbinger is ‘of doom’. Just a complete dogshit harbinger
— Dave (@Mesut_Ausil) September 14, 2020
A funny/scary aspect of Rudy Giuliani’s horrible radio show is when he is in the midst of trying to incite a civil war by screaming about lefists needing to be ‘sent a message’ and then he has to stop to say ‘I wanna tell you about my friends at Big John’s Movers’.
— Prank Stallone (@theCJS) September 14, 2020
every day I login to twitter and see people posting articles like “Climate Change Would Be Solved By Focusing More On Fancy Dogs” and then I research the author and it’s like “Cliff Jeezwell is the head of the Fancy Dogs PAC and his family makes $2 billion a year with fancy dogs”
— cmrn knzlmn (@ckunzelman) September 14, 2020
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
— AIDA (@shutupaida) September 14, 2020
— gilly (@iforgotthefall) September 14, 2020
September 2020: I saw Rocky and Paul Revere waiting to pick up their pizza. pic.twitter.com/Im2cxtDVOj
— Trip McWeedy (@_weedie21) September 15, 2020
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
— Jay (@jayjohnsonfsf) September 12, 2020
me (knocking on a strangers car window while they’re stopped at a light): jim carrey is playing joe biden on snl
driver (clenched teeth, muttering): stfu…stfu…
me (knocking louder): hello? i said jim carrey is pl-
the car runs the red light and immediately gets t-boned
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) September 17, 2020
I bet if Who Framed Roger Rabbit was the first movie you ever watched you’d be really disappointed with almost every other movie
— Jack (@jjjjjjjjjjjackm) September 17, 2020
Finally, proof Richard Nixon was reincarnated as an eggplant pic.twitter.com/vJZh61EtL9
— Elliott Kalan (@ElliottKalan) September 17, 2020
Conservative: You’re just a BOT. An ANTIFA SUPER SOLDIER. All you want is to make a GAY ORGY COLONY IN SPACE
Progressives: nooooo stop calling me names that are cool as shit
Conservative: You are SHARK that likes CIGARETTES
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) June 8, 2020
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
— Taming Fred Savage (@FredTaming) September 17, 2020