The Best Tweets of the Week
Photo by Reno Laithienne, courtesy of Unsplash
The tweets are BACK, baby!
Ugh.
Sorry.
In the wake of everything that’s happening in the world today, we decided to forego our regular weekly collection of the best goofs, gags and japes on Twitter last week. There wasn’t anything funny going on, anywhere. We’re easing back into it, though, and at the end of a week that saw some truly risible behavior absolutely worthy of online scorn. Like, what’s that Harry Potter lady thinking? And the rush to reopen everything, even as cases climb? And why is all of society basically dumb and bad and deserving of our contempt? I mean, shit, those are things to joke about. So here are those jokes, both from professional joke miners and mere amateur joke enthusiasts. And if anybody responsible for these tweets would rather not get wrapped up in these kinds of overviews, let us know: we’re on Twitter @Paste_Comedy.
we have programmed the yeti in the matterhorn to say acab
— Disneyland (@Disneyland2go) June 5, 2020
same energy pic.twitter.com/ZJyl31EAsC
— Choupinoupinette (@AAluminium) June 4, 2020
Me, the dumbest person in the world: cops are good now https://t.co/9Bm9gZ0SRu
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) June 6, 2020
hi, if you’re looking for a productive, creative way to be a good ally:
I am a black womanI feel starved for gossipif you have any gossipplease give me your gossipDM me with your gossipI need gossip to live
thank you.— Ayo Edebiri (@ayoedebiri) June 5, 2020
— jaren (@jarenclee) June 6, 2020
barron trump taking his small ass dad on a walk pic.twitter.com/zsuCtFGZeE
— smoked meats ONLINE (@Beanshit72) June 6, 2020
I feel bad for Elmo because he has been a kid for like 35 years and every day one of his friends has to explain death or racism or 9/11 to him. No wonder he’s created his own little world.
— Defunctland (@Defunctland) June 6, 2020
Absolutely incredible for JK Rowling to have a take so bad that everyone looked up from the nonstop videos of police pepper spraying grandmas just to dunk on her
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) June 7, 2020
Nobody is walking up to a statue to learn history.
Now, a pedestal with a statue missing? Something happened here. Time to learn what fucked up shit this guy did that got his metal ass removed.
— Swift?nSecurity (@SwiftOnSecurity) June 8, 2020
this is a message for all cops: it extremely owns me, a lib, when you quit your job as a cop. i’m owned and i absolutely hate it
— matt lubchansky (@Lubchansky) June 8, 2020
if we abolish the police who will buy Islanders season tickets
— Jake Anbinder (@JakeAnbinder) June 8, 2020
Lot of insane stuff happens in John Wick, but my dad’s biggest takeaway was “wait, if he’s suppose to live in New Jersey then why is he pumping his own gas?”
— Christian Becker (@TheAmazingBeck) June 8, 2020
Every bartender I’ve ever met is better at de-escalating conflict than the police.
— Lucie Steiner (@TheSteinbag) June 8, 2020
we need more gay film critics that can explicitly tell us whether Marisa Tomei’s screentime warrants paying 20 dollars for a 2.5 hour Judd Apatow movie starring Pete Davidson
— Steve Venner (@steve_venner) June 8, 2020
I still have a hard time with this being a real bird & not something from ‘A muppets fucking nightmare festival’ pic.twitter.com/6sHVgvEnjK
— Jon (@giftedrascal) June 8, 2020
jesus christ @PartyCitypic.twitter.com/UiMYp00K9r
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) June 8, 2020
Release Gone With the Wind as 1,257 episodes on Quibi you cowards
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) June 10, 2020
This 1934 design of Donald Duck has some of the strongest “just fucked your wife” vibes I have ever experienced pic.twitter.com/jFrIM7TMoD
— Long day jerk (@rajandelman) June 9, 2020
the only italian-american hero we recognize pic.twitter.com/Izslg8tMyt
— Jazmine Hughes (@jazzedloon) June 11, 2020
people are still dropping dead left and right from corona and state governments are like ok on Friday we’re opening up the public makeout booths
— SUN|DESTROYER|2020 (@bombsfall) June 12, 2020