It’s been a busy week for America. We said goodbye to Game of Thrones, saw abortion become harder to access around the country, and found out Moby was both a creepy 30-year-old and a clueless 53-year-old. While you wrap up your weekend business and prepare for another seven days in the first dystopia with easy access to frozen yogurt check out the funniest tweets from the past week. Make sure to give your favorite Tweeters a follow, because they’re screaming into the void on a platform that otherwise doesn’t pay them.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then your dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
— optimism survivor (@abraveturtle) May 21, 2019
THANKS SO MUCH FOR RECOMMENDING A GOOD TELEVISION SHOW, UNFORTUNATELY TOO MANY PEOPLE HAVE RECOMMENDED IT SO NOW, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT’S GOOD, I WILL REFUSE TO WATCH IT OUT OF PURE STUBBORNNESS FOR SIX MONTHS AND THEN BE FURIOUS WHEN PEOPLE DON’T FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) May 23, 2019
Just made the guy who played me his guitar after sex read my tweets after sex so feminism is actually complete we did it ladies
— Anya Volz (@AnyaVolz) May 25, 2019
Anyone sharing that “Millennials don’t know what butter knives are! ” content should be legally required to rotate a PDF on their own
— Jane Ritt (@heymermaid) May 23, 2019
Moby came forward with a VERY compelling photo. pic.twitter.com/ELj6fmy8bJ
— Andy Hilbrands (@Hilbranded) May 24, 2019
“died of penis being too small and unable to get boners disease, really sad” pic.twitter.com/5bfzpLrbFa
— Dr. Megan Simon (@myspacemegan) May 20, 2019
Pitch: Give 10 angry nerds that signed that petition the chance to remake season 8 of Game of Thrones. Film them struggling to come up with ideas they all agree on. Laugh as a line producer says they’re way over budget. Gasp as they murder each other. Then air the footage on HBO
— Mike Lawrence (@TheMikeLawrence) May 21, 2019
Jamie Lannister fucking Brienne after months of friend flirting then being like “oops did I not mention that I’m going out of town for a while” was real though
— Marcia Belsky (@MarciaBelsky) May 20, 2019
If you believe in ghosts EVEN A LITTLE BIT, don’t get a cat.
— Jonah Ray Rodrigues (@jonahray) May 22, 2019
Whenever someone replies to my tweet with “I fucked ur mom” I simply laugh…my mom would NEVER sleep with any of u pathetic losers…she’s a double Virgo….she once broke up with a guy bc he told her the end to a book she was reading…try again
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) May 21, 2019
I just found my old favorite screenshot, which is of my dad trying to call me a wise ass on Facebook but calling me a wide ass instead and not knowing how to edit the post. pic.twitter.com/khlJuNlwOl
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) May 20, 2019
Test scores at Inglewood High School were so low that the state made teachers read to us. So my algebra teacher Mr. Payne would read us Harry Potter and every time some kid would yell out “If you’re not gonna make voices for each character what the’s point.” We were seniors.
— Chris Estrada (@ChrisEstrada85) May 25, 2019
I was annoyed to get woken up by roommate having sex this morning but his date is still here and now they’re talking about trauma and therapy and their parents and shit and I wish they would go back to loudly sucking and fucking
— Stavros Halkias (@stavvybaby) May 21, 2019
Getting old, staying young. pic.twitter.com/Uv5BgDIH6a
— Noah Gardenswartz (@noahgcomedy) May 22, 2019
Unclear why we’re all still using this site when the worst case scenario for a tweet is it ruins your entire life and the best case scenario is it ends up on a Mashable list of sassiest replies to the IHOP account
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) May 25, 2019
I’m sorry. I admit it. I made it all up. Elon Musk is not Italian. PLease contribute to my GoFundMe so I can go into hiding before he kills me with his orbital laser platform
— kukri needer (@alexqarbuckle) May 24, 2019
Things you’ll find in a woman’s purse that we never talk about:
1. Keys to a locker she hasnt used in years
2. Gum wrapper with words of inspiration that are barely legible
3. $2 bill for good luck
4. Reciept of something she was supposed to returned 4 months ago
5. a tooth— Sydnee Washington (@Justsydnyc) May 23, 2019
ladies you’re sitting with your boyfriend of four years in the movie theater excited to see the latest adventures of yoda and lance skywalker, and then the lights dim and the movie starts and this happens, what you do pic.twitter.com/zlnkh6SgHC
— Andrew Durso (@andrew_durso) May 22, 2019
I saw an ad for athleisure wear with a testimonial from a former Lululemon wearer and she said “I haven’t even touched my Lulu since I got these!” and all I could think was “touch my lulu” sounds like some WASPy mom euphemism for masturbation
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) May 21, 2019
accepting a facebook friend request feels like letting someone touch my corpse
— jes (@jestom) May 21, 2019
Whatever Twitter’s intentions were, this is what it has become pic.twitter.com/P06aEc694u
— Adam Graham (@grahamorama) May 20, 2019
i think about my drug dealing college friend once installed five nest cameras in his apartment to ‘protect his stash’ when he was actually ‘filming hundreds of hours of him dealing drugs, providing authorities a feature length movie of why he was arrested’ at least once a week
— jamieloftus (@jamieloftusHELP) May 20, 2019
It’s so so SO important to have insurance!! My meds today were gonna cost me $140 so I said wait no no I need to call my insurance and once my insurance provider gave me the group number, the pharmacist said “ok now it’s actually $180”
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) May 23, 2019