The Funniest Tweets of the Week

Here’s what happened this week: our president just kept doing treason like it was nothing, live on TV even. A dumb movie about a cartoon murder clown hit theaters amid media-stoked fears of mass shootings and the director repeating the lamest “nobody can be funny anymore because of SJWs” bullshit. It’s been in the 90s almost everywhere in October, proving once again that the only thing humans are good at is death and destruction. Wrestling got good again, at least. That’s cool. I’ll gladly wrap myself in the nostalgic ballet of pro wrestling and close my mind to every other single thing happening in the world today, if it means staying sane and at least tolerably miserable. Of course I also have to look at Twitter for my job (and to feed my own addiction), so there’s a serious hard cap on exactly how sane I’ll be able to stay. When the app gets opened I know bad news awaits. At least some solid jokes do, too. Here are the funniest tweets we saw this week; like and share and follow the folks what wrote ‘em, for God’s sake.

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

— kathleen barber (@katelizabee) October 3, 2019

Jolene.
Jolene.
Jolene?
Jolene!?

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– Dolly Parton as a barista.

TGIF folks let’s not take it too seriously out there today.

— James Colley (@JamColley) October 3, 2019

date: can you take off your work gloves

Jim Henson: they have names

— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) October 4, 2019

Just found out that profit is the unpaid wages of the working class. Damn that shit sucks

— Frank Talk (@guillotineluvr) October 4, 2019

This punishment is not working… pic.twitter.com/Gky81iQA0q

— Mr. Meowgi (@Mr_Meowwwgi) October 3, 2019

people who get diarrhea from taco bell are weak and their bloodline is weak and history will forget them

— (@elliepeek) October 2, 2019

Warren having an affair with a Marine would only make her more popular with Republicans bc it combines the two things they love most: the troops and adultery

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) October 4, 2019

I hear there’s a “joker” currently in movie theatres – it’s whoever sets the prices of the popcorn and beverages!!!!

— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) October 3, 2019

Yes I gave birth, but I haven’t bought those little month numbers and laid my child next to them like a tiny, happy crime scene victim and taken a picture of that and posted it to Instagram so in that sense I am not a mother.

— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) October 3, 2019

my heart goes out to paul manafort, he loves crimes so much and if he’d just lasted a few more months he could have done so many more

— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) October 4, 2019

crying in the realizing you’re
bathroom at being paid to
work cry pic.twitter.com/pFtW6jUnS6

— raspberry seed (@currentssleep) September 28, 2019

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity pic.twitter.com/2ly0zsoAw6

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• The Funniest Tweets of the Week
• The Funniest Tweets of the Week

— Emma (@CampbellxEmma) September 29, 2019

Glengarry Glen Ross implies the existence of a Glengarry Glen Rachel

— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) September 27, 2019

I’ve been wearing the same pants for eight years https://t.co/bP7RIxS0Rs

— Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) September 27, 2019

it is so funny that people forfeited friends and family to commit their one life to the guy who wrote this https://t.co/ng2nIanv5F

— rob (@robwhisman) September 27, 2019

if George Carlin were alive today alt-right conservatives who are now trying to appropriate him for their cause would be calling him an “easily triggered snowflake sjw who loves cancel culture” (h/t @pontificatenate) pic.twitter.com/rdbP72JJ1r

— (@zei_nabq) September 27, 2019

canceled a man in reno just to watch him reply

— brain mentality (@marx_knopfler) September 29, 2019

Do we need to get more women in comedy or do we need to get more men out of it

— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) September 30, 2019

Who will be the real artist and make a movie where the Joker is just an absolutely insufferable dipshit. Meddlesome pervert clown. Every time he shows up everyone is like “this fucking guy again”. No one is afraid of him because he keeps trying and failing to make a balloon dog

— Dawn of the Deadlines (@kendrawcandraw) October 2, 2019

Hey, what’s up guys, it’s Ozymandias, remember to look on my works, despair, and subscribe!

— Haunted Susan Arendt, LLC (@SusanArendt) October 3, 2019

the If I Did It cinematic universe https://t.co/BF3LvJF3Lw

— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) October 2, 2019

Leaving aside the obvious shameful human rights abuses and many, many crimes, it is pretty hilarious that the president of the country is a soggy golf mummy whose response to a crisis is watch TV harder than he ever has before and just heatedly repeat whatever it says about him.

— David Roth (@david_j_roth) September 30, 2019