The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo by Clay Enos, courtesy of DC Comics / Warner Brothers Pictures
You can’t stop time, or change, and it’s time for us to announce a change here at Paste, namely one pertaining to this humble comedy section that you hopefully know and love. We have a new Assistant Comedy Editor, Yusef Roach, and he’s already embraced one of the primary responsibilities of any self-respecting Paste Assistant Comedy Editor: compiling our weekly round-up of tweets worth reading. So say “hi” to Yusef and be kind about his tweet selections—this is only his first week, dammit.—Ed.
Good job, everyone—one of our best weeks together yet, I’d say. As is my duty as new Assistant Comedy Editor here at Paste, I’ve compiled a list of what are objectively the funniest tweets of last week. 23 embeds of pure, sometimes underperforming but always hilarious gold.
let me live my life, predictive text
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 21, 2018
Every morning I like to wake up, make myself a nice cup of coffee, and panic about everything I have to do later
— Paige Weldon (@paigeweldon) September 20, 2018
[2 days into quitting weed] so when you’re sad you just … sit there and feel it?
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) September 21, 2018
I don’t understand memes. So you just share them and laugh with your friends and enjoy life? What’s the point
— Joe tullar (@joetullar123456) September 19, 2018
Social media is a great place to see people who called you “gay rain man” in high school put a rainbow filter over their profile picture
— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) September 21, 2018
Me as a parent pic.twitter.com/6y7d8TzJoO
— hannah williamson (@hannahmcnoface) September 23, 2018
At no point did Timmy Turner wish for women’s equality. His silence was deafening
— Sarah Shower (@SJSchauer) September 21, 2018
zendaya is meechee pic.twitter.com/zE6rXniAnQ
— Gabriel Gundacker (@gabegundacker) September 23, 2018
Hope this doesn’t interfere with me selling my multiple timelines Bad Santa ensemble drama. https://t.co/6qVZHGYKhi
— Lenny “The CW liker” Burnham (@lennyburnham) September 23, 2018
When I first saw Brian, my Mutual funds manager, in a small print floral button up, light blue suit, tortoise shell sunglasses and with dress shoes no socks drinking a tecate at the Labor Day bbq at Dave’s new house, I knew my money was safe.
— Conner O’Malley (@conner_omalley) September 20, 2018
hey guys I’m starting to think that we live in a society https://t.co/cujFZzRwcS
— Bobby (@SullivanBobby) September 22, 2018
me: Mario and Luigi are actually husbands
everyone: no
— Jules (@Julian_Epp) September 24, 2018
Introducing the Pumpkin Spice Taco at @TacoBell, now available only for a limited time! pic.twitter.com/ZCd1HMphau
— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) October 8, 2014
I love Nicholas Cage so god damn much. pic.twitter.com/0dhnyAmC5S
— Mark (@MarktheNomad) September 22, 2018
— Andrew (@henryevil) September 23, 2018
If you stayed on Facebook past 20 you were either
pregnantlibertarian— Krispy Scream (@mitchysuch) September 23, 2018
wait is this how everybody knows about joy division pic.twitter.com/XAdziU00Qe
— baber (@bakerbakerbaker) September 23, 2018
ME:
THERAPIST:
ME: actually people seem to really like my suicide jokes online, so I’m not sure I agree that they’re a problem— Official Enya VEVO (@nachdermas) September 23, 2018
I’m “watch a whole infomercial” tired
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) September 23, 2018
Friend: “Hey, sorry, man, I’ve got to cancel tonight.”
17-Year-Old Me: “That’s fucking bullshit.”
34-Year-Old Me: “oh thank god”— Sam Sykes (@SamSykesSwears) September 23, 2018
Are there any good songs out there about life being a highway and about riding it all night long?
— joey alison sayers (@joeyalison) September 22, 2018
— Garf Gab (@GarfieldFanArt) September 22, 2018
one of my neighbors dropped $100 and i found it and tried to return it to him and he asked me “do people in iran chant death to america when they pray” and now i hav $100
— botticelli bb (@primaverabitch) September 22, 2018