The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo courtesy of Pixabay
Unfortunately the photo above has absolutely nothing to do with the tweets below. There was no story this week about a dirtbiker getting chased through hell by helicopters, which is a real shame. The other option I was considering was one of those depressing photos of people protesting against the lockdown, but there’s no point in giving any more attention to those astroturfed tantrums from partisan activists and the audience they manipulate. Instead let’s marvel at the beauty of the image above, and imagine how awesome the 13-year-olds who would put that poster on their wall must be. And then let’s read all these tweets, because they are all funny, and very good. Props to the tweeters, and all they do.
inside each of us are 2 wolves- the wolf from the neverending story & the remains of wolf blitzer. yes, wolf blitzer was inside of you. yes, he was eaten alive by the neverending story wolf. his name is gmork & you’ll need to feed him when he’s finished digesting wolf blitzer
— TRILLIONAIRE (@maltyhops) April 18, 2020
you know banksy is about to paint a soldier holding a test tube instead of a gun & mfs are gonna be like “wow. really makes u think”
— randy (@randypaint) April 17, 2020
I’m a little nervous because Senator Kelly Loeffler just bought 600,000 shares in a company that makes gigantic fly swatters.
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) April 18, 2020
Real Aliens Be Like pic.twitter.com/JZzBNCCzhH
— Jeff Wright (@JeffRightNoww) April 16, 2020
Boomers in 2019: “LOL Millennials can’t cook they have no practical skills.”
Boomers in 2020: Willing to risk death to go to Buffalo Wild Wings while Millennials post their thousandth picture of homemade bread.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) April 18, 2020
Ticks right now are probably like “Hey… what gives? Where is everybody?”
— Brandon Scott Wolf [indie darling/celeb stand in] (@BrandonEsWolf) April 19, 2020
“Wouldst thou like to live deliciously, oh ewe?” pic.twitter.com/rS0JsreA5u
— Vaughn Pinpin (@vaughnpinpin) April 17, 2020
Just your friendly reminder that Dan Crenshaw’s Texas 2nd Congressional district looks like a hunched over Bart Simpson taking a shit. pic.twitter.com/snziEoq4Bc
— Eugene Gu, MD (@eugenegu) April 19, 2020
What zombie movies got wrong about the actual apocalypse, part 1,487: they omitted scenes of people on the street demanding the right to be eaten by zombies.
— Kelly Davio (@kellydavio) April 19, 2020
— lars von tryhard (@WarrenIsDead) April 20, 2020
Well I officially just got layed off of my job at Redbox so Im finally allowed to say yes there is a person inside the Redbox I was one of them and I loved it
— Devon Palmer (@devonpalmers) April 20, 2020
I told a guy Titanic was the first movie I saw in a theater, & he said that movie “was gay for a long time then everyone died and it was cool”
I like imagining him as the most highly desired focus group participant. ‘We canNOT release this film til we know if he thinks it’s gay’
— Dina Hashem (@dinahashem_) April 20, 2020
everyone is leaning out their windows tonight at 7pm to shit on me
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) April 20, 2020
— Perfectly Cut Screams (@AAAAAGGHHHH) April 21, 2020
pretty cool to see everyone who demanded Terri Schiavo stay plugged into a feeding tube forever decide it’s fine for hundreds of thousands to die so hedge fund managers can afford to keep vacationing in private islands
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) April 22, 2020
Reopen the economy! pic.twitter.com/sU1WYG5WSi
— Gavin M (@FriendlessMean) April 22, 2020
a tale of 2 socioeconomic classes in the USA pic.twitter.com/dJhFWeYGCh
— valeska (@iatemuggles) April 20, 2020
NO ONE:
WHITE GUY ON VIDEO CALL: pic.twitter.com/e0oUgkcUzB
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) April 22, 2020
The way David Lynch utilizes smiles to create this sense of dread throughout Twin Peaks is startling in uncanny ways pic.twitter.com/6XYunYsFix
— a box of altoids (@staticbluebat) April 22, 2020
Didn’t know you could murder somebody on live TV but if you’re Alex Trebek, anything flies pic.twitter.com/TurxXDrXmj
— Koozie (@OldRowKoozie) April 23, 2020
if u did not watch family guy on the couch with ur head in ur boyfriends lap in 2010 and feel him slowly get an erection over the course of three episodes but not know how to fuck and essentially just ignore a dick your head is on top of then u are um not me
— jamieloftus (@jamieloftusHELP) April 23, 2020
anyone else find it weird how heavily HBO Max is promoting that they have the 2012 Kevin James MMA comedy “Here Comes the Boom?” pic.twitter.com/7PWUwZNEnS
— graham ross techler (@gr8h8m_t3chl3r) April 24, 2020
So you decide to knock out some emails. Smart, right? Ah but then they start emailing you back. Now you got more emails than when you started. You created more work by working! Unfortunately, the only other option is death.
— Jeremy D. Larson (@jeremydlarson) April 23, 2020
cocaine https://t.co/MzZR5AmupZ
— Bill Hanstock (@sundownmotel) April 24, 2020
The @beastieboys doc should be 4 hours long and mostly this: pic.twitter.com/yTzCYBFJZK
— JONAH RAY RODRIGUES (@jonahray) April 24, 2020