The Funniest Tweets of the Week

Do you think this week will be the week the pee tape comes out? It probably won’t be but just think: Maybe it will. Last week was crazier than the week before, which was crazier than the week before that. What happened before that week? Who can remember. What month is it? Oh, that’s right: the month of it would be great if the pee tape comes out this month. Between you and the one of us who writes these things, there’s only one thing I look forward to more than the pee tape itself, and that’s the traffic we’ll get from the tweet gallery about the pee tape. We’re gonna hit the big time, baby!!! But, alas, until then, please enjoy these non-pee tape tweets:

im mad about dr who because in real life he is a boy

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) July 16, 2017

Get well soon John McCain! You were in Wedding Crashers

— Nick Ciarelli (@nickciarelli) July 16, 2017

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) July 15, 2017

Star Wars, but all of the light saber sounds are Owen Wilson saying “wow” pic.twitter.com/t5Yll0AV4h

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— Josh Billinson (@jbillinson) July 14, 2017

How do you not name them Heyoncé and Sheyoncé

— Charlie Hankin (@mecharliehankin) July 14, 2017

Are we going to do this every month https://t.co/rtsu56rwOK

— Scott Aukerman (@ScottAukerman) July 14, 2017

We deserve the worst, and we get it. pic.twitter.com/psmhOJUNCJ

— Dave Weigel (@daveweigel) July 14, 2017

Everyone loves Neil Armstrong’s “one small step” line, but forgets his follow-up line, “Alas, a great hornyness has overtaken me.”

— Josh (@Livestock) July 14, 2017

Amazing post. Zuckerberg is going to extraordinary lengths to connect with average Americans. pic.twitter.com/ELBXean4rw

— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) July 14, 2017

I bet we’re all gonna end up watching the pee tape and trump won’t be impeached, like we’ll just have to ride it out for years after that

— Chris Person (@Papapishu) July 13, 2017

imagine being the eel truck owner and getting the call. “my EELS!!!!!!!”

— brian feldman (@bafeldman) July 13, 2017

“Go back to bed. This doesn’t concern you.” pic.twitter.com/53L15p5iXU

— Richard Kadrey (@Richard_Kadrey) July 13, 2017

everytime i watch an instagram story i imagine it then cutting to black w/ text reading: ”(THEIR NAME) DEAD AT (THEIR CURRENT AGE)”

— Matt Barats (@MattBarats) July 13, 2017

I’m an adult. pic.twitter.com/lMcDpvAkDB

— Vincent Caravella (@VinnyCaravella) July 13, 2017

if you’re sick of liberals and conservatives, check out the combination of the worst aspects of both pic.twitter.com/e5sNYbOgrP

— Goth Ms. Frizzle (@spookperson) July 13, 2017

I…worked on this story for a year…and…he just…he tweeted it out. https://t.co/E7W7e45xYR

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— lil arab (@maybetomhanks) July 12, 2017

Life comes at you at a speedier pace than you might have expected pic.twitter.com/RhOfPE7kLD

— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) July 11, 2017

Summer collusion, had me a blast.

— Raphael Bob-Waksberg (@RaphaelBW) July 11, 2017

Could the NYT also call Trump Jr and tell him they have the piss tape?

— Eliot Higgins (@EliotHiggins) July 11, 2017

Are we all going to ignore the fact that David Brooks is clearly dating a 19 year old

— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) July 11, 2017

Honestly impressed Don Jr. wasn’t involved in Fyre Festival in some way.

— Ankit Panda (@nktpnd) July 11, 2017

Grumpy Cat has been shot and killed while resisting arrest.

— Tudley ???? (@Thoirdealbhaigh) July 11, 2017

This is all just a distraction from Lamby

— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) July 11, 2017

Don’t normally tweet political stuff, but making an exception for a pun that I think you can enjoy no matter what side you’re on:

TREE-SON pic.twitter.com/U9ywrPZQvt

— Nate Fernald (@natefernald) July 11, 2017

In hindsight, we should have known Trump’s sons were the weakest link by his inexplicable preference for Jared. Awful sons. the worst sons

— Alex Nichols (@Lowenaffchen) July 11, 2017

President Piss crapped out a real winner!

— Jon Daly (@jondaly) July 11, 2017

Gmail nails it again pic.twitter.com/JdpF48QOVq

— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) July 11, 2017

I haven’t seen The Godfather, but based on all the comparisons to Donald Trump Jr., I assume “Fredo” was the name of like, a very dumb goat.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 11, 2017

“make sure you get my sick ass earring”
-william shakespeare pic.twitter.com/ZuyeYksXoa

— Eli Yudin (@eliyudin) July 11, 2017

Ugh. Prime Day has gotten so commercial. I remember when it was about celebrating the birth of numbers divisible by only one and themselves.

— Jordan_Morris (@Jordan_Morris) July 10, 2017

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 10, 2017