Well everybody, it is officially February 2018, the first February of 2018. Did you ever think it would be February 2018 so soon? Either way, you thought wrong. If you were wondering which phases of the moon the moon will be in this week, the answer is: none of the good ones. The good ones were last week (full) and next week (waning crescent). I guess I’ll break it to you now so you’re ready later: There will be no full moon this month. Repeat, there will be NO full moon in February 2018. This is a rare event that only happens four times in a century, so you’d better appreciate it. You can practice for appreciating that by appreciating these tweets, which I went to great lengths to embed below. Thank you and goodbye.
“Tom! You just won the Super Bowl! Now what?”
“I’m gonna star in a Blade Runner reboot directed by Wes Anderson” pic.twitter.com/Gw2a0uk87v
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) February 4, 2018
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) February 4, 2018
me irl pic.twitter.com/Omuzeb1W5o
— me irl (@ItMeIRL) February 3, 2018
me on a date pic.twitter.com/85yHD8egJq
— priscilla page (@BBW_BFF) February 3, 2018
lol so virgin flights now have a “seat to seat” chat function that lets you dm anyone on the plane pic.twitter.com/aSSS37crW9
— KT NELSON (@KrangTNelson) February 3, 2018
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
— Kevin (@kevpand) February 3, 2018
Paul Ryan: Can I take away all of your healthcare?
Me: ummm, no
Paul Ryan: [discreetly sliding $1.50 across the table like he’s trying to bribe a bouncer] how about now
— Migrant Twerker (@SortaBad) February 3, 2018
By the time he was my age, Lee Harvey Oswald had already shot a PRESIDENT. i haven’t even shot a normal person
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 3, 2018
Looks like shit, sorry. No restaurants. Dirty. Nothing to do. https://t.co/WZuhsS6TJk
— jesse farrar (@BronzeHammer) February 3, 2018
All about the Gop’s new slogan “Scraps is good eatin’!!!!”
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) February 3, 2018
For the people who love hands pic.twitter.com/QSqJ7rg4uI
— brado (@DJGeeBill) February 2, 2018
thinking about getting the dow jones back on track, simply by making a few phonecalls. but certain people have been a bitch to me, so i wont
— wint (@dril) February 3, 2018
lmao!!! This guy is random https://t.co/6G6YYT5CiF
— j.r. hennessy (@jrhennessy) February 3, 2018
this is literally the worst joke in history https://t.co/q4f8HKBcyP
— Adam H. Johnson (@adamjohnsonNYC) February 2, 2018
hmm the sign has a point pic.twitter.com/1XY7iQPBJM
— justin L! cousson (@justincousson) February 2, 2018
— Django Gold (@django) February 2, 2018
— Nick Zarzycki (@NickZarzycki) February 2, 2018
ME ON FB: Help im trapped under bench press
ME ON TWITTER: Help im trapped under bench press
ME ON INSTA: Help im trapped under bench press— Zach Dunn (@ZachBDunn) November 4, 2017
One Perfect Shot
Titanic (1997)
Dir: James Cameron pic.twitter.com/jficb7HNqf— ?netw3rk (@netw3rk) February 1, 2018
Every one of these can be answered by another question on the list pic.twitter.com/bYufrqsrby
— Childless Gambino (@faithchoyce) February 1, 2018
TRAINER: bye bye
WHALE: alk;sdfhhhhdhddhdhdhdhdhdhdhdaflkjfdaijsdflkd
TRAINER: he said bye bye https://t.co/s8Xqm0HcN0— LW (@lindseyweber) January 31, 2018
i’m so tired that this morning i was trying to say a joke about there being a lot of something and the highest number i could think of was 17
— Michael Pielocik (@michaelpielocik) January 31, 2018
bury me at pic.twitter.com/qUD3xE0xjV
— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) February 1, 2018
SOTU 2019 pic.twitter.com/xmperkitzQ
— ????Book Hater???? (@crushingbort) January 31, 2018
Democracy Dies On Deadline https://t.co/eTgWQc17t6
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) January 31, 2018
it’d be nuts to be in Train. you’d learn who the members of the band are, and what their songs are
— Owen Ellickson (@onlxn) January 31, 2018
Liking what I see in this response from Joe Kennedy. The Dems finally figured out the left wants to hear from the younger generation, with the wettest-looking mouths. pic.twitter.com/E6wpylolhF
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) January 31, 2018
We now cross live to Joe Kennedy pic.twitter.com/8leWBoMBih
— TWlTTER DOT COM SLASH PIXELATED BOAT (@pixelatedboat) January 31, 2018
Trying to stop announcing my full name when I call my parents. “Dad, yes hi. it’s Jeremy Levick.”
— jeremy levick (@levickjeremy) January 31, 2018
this is the quality content i crave pic.twitter.com/BIr0ji45Y3
— pablo pisscasso (@konamicola) January 30, 2018
Big and promising news for everyone hoping the tech industry will burn itself to the ground https://t.co/IVHki0wsak
— 4’33 (karaoke version) (@Boringstein) January 30, 2018
watching ratatouille as a kid: aw the rat is cooking
watching ratatouille now: even after he takes over gusteau’s & becomes rich solely because of remy, linguini doesnt once split his paycheck with the rat who made him successful. yet another example of the exploitation of labor
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) January 30, 2018
“Call me by your name and I’ll call you by yours.”
“Rumplestiltskin… wait, no! Blast!!!!”— rachel andelman (@rajandelman) January 30, 2018
I feel like this shouldn’t be the first I’m hearing of this? pic.twitter.com/AU8oaX4fpH
— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) January 30, 2018