Well, there’s no two ways about it: The day is once again Monday. You thought you could escape, but you were wrong. As for me, I could have escaped quite easily, I just chose not to. I care too much, you see, about copying a bunch of links from Twitter into our content management system and pressing a little button that sends them all out to you. Somedays it feels like all I care about. Other days I care instead about poetry, or birds, or certain endangered species of whale, or even the un-endangered ones, or fast-casual dining. Today it’s sort of a mix of all of the above. Please do enjoy, though:
-I’m going to kill a mockingbird.
-A mockingbird?
-A mockingbird.
-And you’re going to kill one?
-Yes. Try and keep up.
-Why?
-Because I’m walking fast.
-No. Why kill a mockingbird?
-Because if I don’t I’ll end up the most popular history professor in South Bend, Indiana. https://t.co/WTRpc7N2rZ— David Stassen (@davidstassen) March 15, 2018
After spending a year in space, astronaut’s DNA no longer matches that of his identical twin pic.twitter.com/Xifa6Pm6lF
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) March 15, 2018
ricky gervais: [does a joke that’s not funny]
audience: …
ricky gervais: oh did i offend you? bloody hell, you wankers! you tossers! you twits! you bell ends! you plug-uglies! (he’s british) you prats! you nutters! you berks! you muppets! you knob heads! you plonkers! you pi-
— TRILLIONAIRE???? (@maltyhops) March 18, 2018
— CGB (@curlygingerbird) March 16, 2018
seeing people performing perfect slam dunks on the basketball court is worthless to me. It;s nothing
— wint (@dril) March 18, 2018
If I can make one person laugh, I’ve done my job. If I can make two people laugh, I’ve done my job better. Three people laughing and I’ve gone too far. I’m not here to play god.
— These Are Comics! (@thesearecomics) January 17, 2018
millennial reaction to the mccabe firing: What’s a pension?
— Elon Green (@elongreen) March 17, 2018
the paternity tests are in: the grinch is the minions father
— Shannon Odell (@shodell) March 17, 2018
I swear to god, y’all, if Facebook extensively violates my privacy or serves as the central hub in a coordinated strategic attack against our democracy like three or four more times, I’m gonna start thinking about deleting my account
— Scott Wampler™ (@ScottWamplerBMD) March 17, 2018
THE LAST JEDI 720p SNOKE SCENES ONLY
— fran hoepfner (@franhoepfner) March 17, 2018
(Rex Tillerson puts diarrhea medicine on the counter)
Checkout guy: How’s it going
Rex Tillerson: Not good man I just got fired by the president Donald Trump and I have diarrhea— Waikiki Wanda (@bulkUSBchargers) March 17, 2018
happy friday night, ross has gone off the deep end pic.twitter.com/2HLiX4THjE
— @lana (@_lanabelle) March 17, 2018
me: tweets about peanut butter being bad
me, 20 minutes later: https://t.co/XBcJgjplVp
— maura quint (@behindyourback) March 16, 2018
Ricky Gervais voice Ooooooh! I’m going to SHOCK YOU with my NORMAL OPINIONS that EVERY MIDDLE-AGED WHITE GUY HAS
— pixelated boat [ASMR] binaural 4 hours (@pixelatedboat) March 15, 2018
oliver: call me by your name, and i’ll call you by mine
matthew perry: right, because THAT won’t be confusing!!— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) March 9, 2018
Seinfeld: It’s me. One the most beloved comics ever…
Me: Yes, yes..
Seinfeld: You have eternal fondness for me
Me: I do!
Seinfeld: And I just hang out with every funny person you ever loved.
Me: Holy shit. What’s the catch?
Seinfeld: The twist is… it somehow fucking sucks.— luke o’neil (@lukeoneil47) March 15, 2018
satan sounds very kind and supportive pic.twitter.com/O7GHmV2iNF
— margot jay ????? (@em_aytch) March 14, 2018
Calling the Brits a “devastating microorganism” is a little weird, but I’ll take it. https://t.co/RrzP2KTwWR
— Ailín ?????? (@lukacsleninist) March 14, 2018
vote for me in 2020 and I promise to round up all the people who RT’d this, corral them into a large warehouse, and pipe in an audio loop of me banging two frying pans together pic.twitter.com/WLRnG8636X
— Murray’s Irish Pube (@MurrayOverboard) March 14, 2018
I hear this was contained entirely to one man’s kitchen https://t.co/yY6Kfqb1Cq
— Fansince O’Nine (@FanSince09) March 14, 2018
romeo? romeo? wherefore art thou romeo? oh my fucking god he fucking dead
— common sad girl (@sadgirlkms) March 12, 2018
Got some medical tests back and I have some reassuring news. pic.twitter.com/do16tNB378
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) March 14, 2018
Me, today: Elon Musk is a bad person and rich people controlling comedy is a terrible development.
Me, two months from now: Here is my packet with 50 Trump jokes, Mr. Musk! https://t.co/LrKZxKqQkp
— Alan Johnson (@therealaskj) March 13, 2018
i endorse the creation of space force, the troops of space. they must be empowered to shoot anything they see up there
— j.r. hennessy (@jrhennessy) March 13, 2018
I’m both suspicious of Elon Musk hiring comedy writers AND offended he didn’t reach out to me. I contain multitudes
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) March 13, 2018
I would rather live in a world where WTF with Marc Maron is just the first 15 mins when he talks about himself than live in a world where Elon Musk has a satire website
— Carrie Wittmer???????? (@carriesnotscary) March 13, 2018
Rex Tillerson Googling “improv class age limit”
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) March 13, 2018
As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into the next Secretary of State
— rachel jane andelman (@rajandelman) March 13, 2018
Yes!!! I say this every day. pic.twitter.com/F65QxOuZTY
— Ana Fabrega (@anafabregagood) March 13, 2018
Rex Tillerson found out he was fired when he stepped outside for coffee and saw the big Rex Tillerson billboard across the street being replaced with an even bigger Mike Pompeo billboard
— ????Insatiable Gun Taker???? (@crushingbort) March 13, 2018
I’d say the biggest mistake I see young comedians make is not knowing someone at SNL who can get them a writers’ assistant job
— Django Gold (@django) March 13, 2018
— Cancel Young Sheldon (@MustacheDad) March 13, 2018
Since I was 20 whenever someone asks what I do I say “stuff on a computer at a company” and only one person has ever asked me to elaborate
— yusef roach (@yusefroach) March 12, 2018
It is my closely held personal conviction that we should not have a Secretary Of Education who is dumber than me, an idiot
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) March 12, 2018
MY BOSS: can you stay late today?
— Marcia Belsky (@MarciaBelsky) March 12, 2018