Well, there’s no two ways about it: The day is once again Monday. You thought you could escape, but you were wrong. As for me, I could have escaped quite easily, I just chose not to. I care too much, you see, about copying a bunch of links from Twitter into our content management system and pressing a little button that sends them all out to you. Somedays it feels like all I care about. Other days I care instead about poetry, or birds, or certain endangered species of whale, or even the un-endangered ones, or fast-casual dining. Today it’s sort of a mix of all of the above. Please do enjoy, though:
-I’m going to kill a mockingbird. -A mockingbird? -A mockingbird. -And you’re going to kill one? -Yes. Try and keep up. -Why? -Because I’m walking fast. -No. Why kill a mockingbird? -Because if I don’t I’ll end up the most popular history professor in South Bend, Indiana. https://t.co/WTRpc7N2rZ
ricky gervais: oh did i offend you? bloody hell, you wankers! you tossers! you twits! you bell ends! you plug-uglies! (he’s british) you prats! you nutters! you berks! you muppets! you knob heads! you plonkers! you pi-
If I can make one person laugh, I’ve done my job. If I can make two people laugh, I’ve done my job better. Three people laughing and I’ve gone too far. I’m not here to play god.
I swear to god, y’all, if Facebook extensively violates my privacy or serves as the central hub in a coordinated strategic attack against our democracy like three or four more times, I’m gonna start thinking about deleting my account
(Rex Tillerson puts diarrhea medicine on the counter) Checkout guy: How’s it going Rex Tillerson: Not good man I just got fired by the president Donald Trumpand I have diarrhea
Seinfeld: It’s me. One the most beloved comics ever… Me: Yes, yes.. Seinfeld: You have eternal fondness for me Me: I do! Seinfeld: And I just hang out with every funny person you ever loved. Me: Holy shit. What’s the catch? Seinfeld: The twist is… it somehow fucking sucks.
vote for me in 2020 and I promise to round up all the people who RT’d this, corral them into a large warehouse, and pipe in an audio loop of me banging two frying pans together pic.twitter.com/WLRnG8636X
I would rather live in a world where WTF with Marc Maronis just the first 15 mins when he talks about himself than live in a world where Elon Musk has a satire website
— Carrie Wittmer???????? (@carriesnotscary) March 13, 2018
Rex Tillerson found out he was fired when he stepped outside for coffee and saw the big Rex Tillerson billboard across the street being replaced with an even bigger Mike Pompeo billboard
— ????Insatiable Gun Taker???? (@crushingbort) March 13, 2018
I’d say the biggest mistake I see young comedians make is not knowing someone at SNL who can get them a writers’ assistant job
