The Funniest Tweets of the Week

I will let you all in on a little secret. Every week, as you know, I compile these lists of the funniest tweets of the week. But what you do not know is that from every list I select one tweet, the funniest of the funniest tweets, and copy it into a separate document. In this document are all the funniest tweets from every list I have ever compiled, going all the way back to, I don’t know, 2016 or whenever. And one day, maybe in the near future, maybe in the distant future, I will post all of these tweets in a grand list to end all lists. And it will be called The Funniest Tweets of the Funniest Tweets of the Week. And then I will finally be free.

tragedy + time = tragedy time

— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) August 12, 2018

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

— David Juurlink (@DavidJuurlink) August 12, 2018

so twitter is literally afraid of twitter https://t.co/fhdjxFsQ0o

— Claire Willett (@clairewillett) August 11, 2018

I’m grateful for twitter because I remember what it was like in the 80s. If you had insomnia you had to write out your opinions on hundreds of 3×5 cards & then go around the neighborhood in the middle of the night handing them out.

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— Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) August 11, 2018

My phone must die so that I may live

— Sam Taggart (@samttaggart) August 11, 2018

.@washingtonpost is this really ethical pic.twitter.com/jpn9dXvydX

— Sam Saulsbury (@SamuelSaulsbury) August 11, 2018

It rules that $10K isn’t enough to get a girl to talk to Ben Shapiro

— jonny (@jonny_is_good) August 10, 2018

The DNC just unveiled their 2020 strategy pic.twitter.com/l6BctRonfN

— #abolishICE (@itspronounced48) August 10, 2018

Really psyched about these new profile icons on Netflix. They have one for every personality! Mine’s the dad from Okja. pic.twitter.com/JFMX6cnn3s

— Sotto Voce (@infinityuncool) August 10, 2018

what i say: i’ve made some huge progress lately

what i mean: i can now occasionally express one of my wants or needs honestly and clearly as long as i have the rest of the day to recover from it

— J. Jennifer Espinoza (@sadqueer4life) August 10, 2018

My only complaint about Nanette is that Hannah Gadsby explained to the general public what a callback is. They know now, they know. And we will never get that genie back in its bottle.

— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) August 10, 2018

tfw you incorporate the notes on your script into the script pic.twitter.com/X5rkr66tzv

— jeremy levick (@levickjeremy) August 10, 2018

Space war… Is space hell

— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) August 9, 2018

still no oscar for stunt performances/choreography or voice acting but cool, why not add an award for most popular movie, to the popular movie awards

— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) August 8, 2018

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Every credit card owner dreads this moment pic.twitter.com/Y81Gz0CUJa

— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) August 8, 2018

A huge plot hole in Aladdin is that Rajah could just eat Jafar. he is a tiger

— Michelle Spies (@spies_please) August 8, 2018

the worst part of freelancing is that when it starts raining hard there’s no one to interrupt by saying “wow it’s really coming down out there”

— grace perry (@perryjetaime) August 7, 2018

for suuure this is the #1 news item i care about in 2018 – for sure! pic.twitter.com/YGnV30JA8e

— Catherine Cohen (@catccohen) August 7, 2018

Finally, a TV show will explore what’s it like in New York City. https://t.co/D83Jtsop4F

— Alex Blechman (@AlexBlechman) August 7, 2018

Cold. Case. Killer. Leaps. From. Cold. Case. How could you screw up this headline IT IS A LAYUP. https://t.co/Y8NYw1uhOd

— Lyndsey Fifield (@lyndseyfifield) August 7, 2018

this “social network” slugline is my next tattoo pic.twitter.com/qkDrG9hS44

— Emma Specter (@EmmaSpecter) August 7, 2018

The truest onscreen portrayal of a career in publishing was Elaine Benes’, a rising star editor who lost her job when the publisher folded, became personal assistant to a rich guy, got a new job as a copywriter for a clothing catalogue, briefly became CEO, then ended up in prison

— Alejandrobot (@Alejandrobot) August 6, 2018

excellent bag at belfast pride yesterday pic.twitter.com/TFuUt9hYF9

— alex (@alexdotmoore) August 5, 2018

If you can’t handle me at my worst, you might not be crazy about me at my best either. They’re similar.

— Sean Clements (@SeanClements) August 6, 2018

The latest email from MoviePass is their strangest one yet pic.twitter.com/SC6cXXezBd

— Zach Dunn (@ZachBDunn) August 6, 2018

Paul Manafort (allegedly) laundered insane amounts of money so he could afford to dress like Andre from The League

— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) August 6, 2018