The Patron Saint of “Fear Less.” – Kickstarter Diary (Part 3)

Fear. It’s the quicksand into which artistic impulse and achievement always threaten to sink. I imagine about 70% of the time I’m Atreyu pulling Artax out of its consuming pit. (I use The NeverEnding Story references a lot, probably because that scene was devastating to me as a child and I think about it a lot.) I’m pulling my writing, my work, my dreams out of that all-consuming abyss. The other 30% of the time, Artax and I are riding into the sunset, and it’s so fucking glorious.
So what am I rambling on about (other than a 1980s fairytale which if you haven’t seen we can’t be friends)? How much more would we all get done if it was not for fear?
I didn’t want to do a Kickstarter for Interior Teresa. I didn’t want to tell anyone I was making a movie. My stupid-movie-who-even-cares. There are other world tragedies people should worry about—that I should worry about, too. Plus, I’ve never made a proper film (besides The Doll at 10 about a Mattel Barbie that comes to life to take revenge on dissatisfied customers). I thought, I might have already peaked. What if I told people I was making a film and then I made it and then it sucked? Quicksand, sucking you down! I figured it was better to make the film and then, if it wasn’t complete shit, tell people about it after.
But the fear was not just about whether I’d unintentionally out myself as a hack—there was my debt to St. Teresa of Avila, the inspiration for Interior Teresa. Seriously, she means the world to me. Learning about her changed my life. She got me through my dad dying last year, my subsequent move across the country a month later and the rebuilding of my life from the ground up. I prayed to her daily. I bought her rosary from nuns in Canada. I was afraid I would not do this incredible woman justice. That’s what I feared—still fear—above all else.