Transformers: The Last Knight

1. Michael Bay has probably made critics bang their heads against their desks more than any other modern filmmaker, but it has always been foolish and short-sighted to simply dismiss him as a hack. Bay’s aesthetic, as numbing and demoralizing as it can sometimes be, has an undeniable power and, even, urgency; he might make dreck, but in his own way, he works hard to give you that dreck. When Bay feels like he has something to prove, he can shake you, often a lot more than you might have wanted yourself shook. After the intense critical drubbing the second Transformers movie took—it was totaled in a way that was unique even to Bay—the director decided to make the third film, Dark of the Moon, as massive a spectacle as he, the maestro of spectacle, could pull off. The result wasn’t good by any stretch of the imagination, but it was an undeniable achievement, Bay dancing as fast as he could to blow your minds. After the staggering, nearly hour-long destruction of Chicago sequence that ended that film, I left the theater in a daze, as if I’d just been pummeled, repeatedly, with something blunt, heavy and angry. But I couldn’t pretend I hadn’t felt something. As the failures of all the Bay pretenders—McG, Jonathan Liebsman, even Tarsem—show, duplicating what Bay does is harder than it looks, even as you wonder why anyone would even try. When Bay has his heart in it, he can still knock you over, whether you’d like him to or not.

2. Transformers: The Last Knight, the fifth entry in the franchise and supposedly Bay’s last, does not feature Bay working harder for extra credit. Perhaps the most dispiriting thing about this entry in this already-quite-dispiriting franchise is that Bay does not particularly seem to care one way or another this time. All the signature Bay Movements are here, the slow-motion hero shots, the scale so vast that even planets look small and modest, the aggressively dorky jokes, but they all have a perfunctory feel, like even Bay couldn’t muster up much enthusiasm this time. The Last Knight is meant to be both an ending to the Bay version of this story and the kickoff to a (God help us) Extended Transformers Cinematic Universe, which gives it so many masters to serve that Bay seems to sort of just throws up his hands and stop trying. The previous installments of the series may have been bad, but they still had Bay’s full attention. This one is perfunctory and even a bit dull. The proceedings plod along so begrudgingly that you almost wish Bay would just hit you with something blunt and heavy again. This franchise isn’t even bothering anymore.

3. Mark Wahlberg is back in this one as the impeccably named inventor Cade Yeager, now living in hiding with several friendly Autobots (including a couple voiced by John Goodman and Steve Buscemi in the worst possible Big Lebowski sequel) before coming across a refugee girl (Isabela Moner) who has been living with several Autobots (who are now hunted by the world’s governments) in the old Pontiac Silverdome. (Don’t ask.) Meanwhile, Anthony Hopkins is an old leader of a secret society—that included Queen Elizabeth and Frederick Douglass—that has been keeping Transformers’ presence on earth quiet since the age of King Arthur, and there’s a genius professor who also looks Michael Bay Smokin’ in a dress (Laura Haddock). There’s also Optimus Prime, the hero Transformer who goes back to his home planet and is told he must destroy Earth to save it. There’s also … you know, there’s just a lot.