Unglued: Intern For a Band

The Wu-Tang Clan recently posted an ad on Craigslist looking for an intern to assist with their many administrative needs (Email-blasting skillz, it turns out, are apparently a hotly desired trait among massive hip-hop collectives). We collected ads from some of our other favorite bands looking for unpaid assistants:

Sufjan Stevens:
Wanted: super-intern to do some intense research for long-ignored project. U.S. geography majors preferred. Ability to craft human-sized eagle wings and sew cheerleader uniforms a bonus.

Flaming Lips:
Looking for an intern with enormous lung capacity to inflate giant balloons/human hamster balls and the ability to procure 3,000 laser pointers and gelatin fetuses at a moments notice. Must be willing to abide strict dress code. Latex allergies could be a problem.

Fleet Foxes:
Come intern with the Fleet Foxes! (Must have expert beard-trimming experience.)

Tom Waits:
Internship opportunity. Must know when the old rooster crows, which way the weeping willows grows and where to buy the best whisky in Tennessee. Also track down the bum who owes five dollars, last seen at the Blue Ridge Motel

Best Coast:
Needed—Laid-back college kid with feline telepathy wanted. Duties include but are not limited to managing Snacks the Cat Twitter account and other social media applications with precision and accuracy.

The New Pornographers:
After a canceled show in Michigan and a protest letter in Utah, the band are having a bit of an image problem. We’re looking for a clean-shaven, morally upright intern to serve as a band ambassador. Let the world know we’re nothing but catchy choruses, sugary harmonies and 100 percent nudity-free.

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Joanna Newsom:
Music-school students: We’re looking for someone who can string a harp as well as and lug the instrument with the graceful ease of a medieval fairy across stages worldwide.

Girl Talk:
Do you get a lot of songs stuck in your head? That’s good. Do you get a lot of songs stuck in your head all at once? That’s even better. Now how about isolating the best parts of those songs and splicing them all together with the precision a genetic engineer? Excellent, then we need you. These mash-ups don’t make themselves. Compensation cannot be offered at this time, but we’ll pay you with a shout-out in the liner notes of the album you can’t take full credit for. ADHD a plus.

Feist:
Wanted: An art major who can create paint-by-number cover art on short notice for all upcoming records needed. Single-digit counting ability preferred.

M. Ward:
In need of a talent-scouting intern. Between solo albums, stints in She & Him, Monsters of Folk and behind-the-scenes production duties, I’ve clearly got too much time on my hands. Your job: find two worthy side-projects each week. GSD gene required.

Kanye West:
CAPS LOCK SPECIALIST NEEDED! HATERS NEED NOT APPLY!!!