Welcome back for another installment of Twitter schadenfreude. Because we are creatures of the web here at Paste politics, we have gained a superpower in our days of sorting through the irradiated mud that is modern American politics: finding the dumbest takes that one of the dumbest websites out there has to offer. This week is establishment and politician-themed, with a sprinkle of right-wing lunacy to add some spice to this potent concoction of stupid. Let’s get to it.
Andrew Yang
I don’t watch Game of Thrones, but I do log on to Twitter on Sunday nights, so I basically did watch this last season. Upon seeing this, I immediately knew what the no-hoper Democratic presidential candidate was likely referencing in this staggeringly naïve tweet.
There should be a Hand of the President.
— Andrew Yang (@AndrewYang) May 20, 2019
According to the GoT Wiki, the Hand of the King “is the most powerful appointed position in the Seven Kingdoms, second only to the King in authority and responsibility. The Hand is the King’s closest advisor, appointed and authorized to make decisions on behalf of the King’s name. The Hand of the King is the highest-ranking member of the Small Council, and leads meetings of the council as proxy for the king when the monarch is absent.”
THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THE PRESIDENT’S CHIEF OF STAFF DOES!!
YOU’RE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!
YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS!
Rudy Giuliani
Speaking of politicians saying incredibly stupid things, here is the only man in and around government whose brain may be mushier than our big wet president’s. This reads like Rudy had a stroke while typing it.
I included the screenshot here even though as of this writing, the tweet is still up, because this was what he was trying to send, so one would assume that he would delete the typo-laden splotchy gif tweet.
Nancy Pelosi wants an apology for a caricature exaggerating her already halting speech pattern. First she should withdraw her charge which hurts our entire nation when she says the President needs an “intervention. “People who live in a glass house shouldn’t throw stones.”
— Rudy Giuliani (@RudyGiuliani) May 24, 2019
How does Rudy not have a nephew or niece—or hell, an assistant—who can teach him how to delete tweets, or just do it for him? Oh well, that’s not the kind of competence associated with the Giuliani brand anyway. Stop saying “what happened to Rudy?” He’s always been like this.
Donald Trump
One of the ways we are going to get through this horrifying Trump experience with some of our sanity still intact is by laughing at all the self-owns he puts out there without realizing what he’s saying. I have to be careful to not use our galaxy-brained Twitter champion too much though. This column basically exists because he created an entire genre. Tossing a Trump tweet in here every week is way too easy, and really, this whole column could just be Trump tweets. This one made it in because of how hilariously feeble his forceful charge is, and what he’s tacitly admitting.
Without the ILLEGAL Witch Hunt, my poll numbers, especially because of our historically “great” economy, would be at 65%. Too bad! The greatest Hoax in American History.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 22, 2019
I find this hilarious because the man who can never admit any fault whatsoever is quietly conceding that his poll numbers suck, and this, plus his increasingly hysteric behavior, definitely doesn’t project an image of a man who is extremely concerned that he may lose an election next year, and his immunity to federal prosecution along with it.
Dumb YouTube Conspiracy Theorist
I don’t want to use his name because he already found our story on this, and boosted it to his fairly large conspiracy theory community, and we don’t need that kind of drama. I mean, my man here drank bleach.
As a political statement.
What more do you need to say?
Nonononono—America is doing fine right now—why do you ask?
The Wall Street Journal
This one isn’t political, but it comes from a mainstream media outlet known for bad political takes, so we’re shoehorning this one in on a technicality because that’s just how bad this tweet was. For you non-basketball fans, imagine if someone told you that Game of Thrones could not have been a successful show without Jon Snow, Sansa Stark, Arya Stark, Tyrion Lannister, and Daenerys Targaryen. That’s the depth of analysis provided in this tweet from America’s Most Very Serious Newspaper.
The Warriors would not be a dynasty without Stephen Curry, Klay Thompson, Draymond Green, Andre Iguodala and Kevin Durant https://t.co/9Po7NDjWWX
— The Wall Street Journal (@WSJ) May 21, 2019
The New York Times‘ Astead W. Herndon had one of the best jokes dunking on this tweet.
the powerpuff girls would not defeat mojo jojo without blossom, bubbles, and buttercup https://t.co/x98AjmFSAY
— Steadman™ (@AsteadWesley) May 21, 2019
Usually, our worst tweet of the week is at least a little offensive, but I want to take this week to point out that the gravest Twitter sin of all is also eligible for worst tweet of the week status: being boring. If you’re going to say something dumb or offensive, at least give us some entertainment along with it. That’s the Twitter genre Trump created.
Here, the WSJ simply pointed to five of the best basketball players on Earth and said that they have something to do with one of the greatest teams in the history of sports. Bravo—no effing eff, guys. This was actually less informative than saying nothing at all, and for accomplishing that incredibly difficult feat, we bestow upon WSJ the honor of Paste politics’ Bad Tweet of the Week.
Jacob Weindling is a staff writer for Paste politics. Follow him on Twitter at @Jakeweindling.