Crypto Is Crashing, So Don’t Check Prices, Watch The Cryptocurrency Girls Perform Instead

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Crypto Is Crashing, So Don’t Check Prices, Watch The Cryptocurrency Girls Perform Instead

Remember when cryptocurrency was all the rage? At one point during January, downloads of Coinbase exceeded that of Instagram. This coincided with a legit mania in South Korea so intense that they paid as much as 25% more for some cryptocurrencies than the rest of the world. Like any bubble, it popped, and we’re falling. Hard. Everything is down more than 50% from its all-time highs.

I do believe that this crash is a good thing. It’s cleared the ecosystem of pretenders and the pending regulation across the globe is having a chilling effect on scammers too. Bitconnect revealing itself to be the ponzi scheme everyone in the know knew it to be is just the start. Ironically enough, the legitimization of an industry created to oppose the international financial system will be greatly legitimized by the intervention of world regulatory agencies. Treating cryptocurrencies like the securities they are is just the first step in the creation of this parallel financial system. However, there will be plenty of painful days, weeks and months along the way. Our current bloodbath will look like a pin prick compared to the fights of the future.

So if you’re suffering from crypto-PTSD after logging into your Coinbase account, push all that stress out of your mind, as I come bearing gifts. First, the smart and large money is assembling, and the market will soon be flooded with a kind of liquidity it has never enjoyed.

The future is bright, so let’s kick back, and enjoy the absurdity brought forth by this new technology. The second gift, which is by far more important than simple profits, this pop group from Japan popped up in my Twitter feed as a promoted post, and I have now found my new favorite thing. This music video by the Cryptocurrency Girls is the most blatant piece of propaganda that I have ever seen in my entire life.

Seriously folks, this is some Kim Jong-Un ish, but with a heart of democratic and responsible nuance. It’s incredible. This line about being scammed out of an ICO combined with a what I hope to be a shot at self-proclaimed “bitcoin Jesus,” James Altucher, absolutely slayed me:

Don’t ever buy at a price like hell, it’s like a moth flying into the flame

How about that new ICO (they never contact me again)

Watch out for all the scams around (I saw a lot of ads)

Not to mention, the context lost in some of the translation is just glorious, as Paste’s editor, Shane Ryan, pointed out when I shared it with him, saying “the best part of this video is the random Spanish words they throw in.” The first line of the chorus is a lesson for all of us with money in the market:

Calm down baby, Tranquilo! Accidents are inevitable

The mangled Google translate leads to greater hilarity later in the chorus, as I’m not quite sure what sage knowledge the Cryptocurrency Girls are trying to dispense here:

Hot day forget myself Blockchain

Hot day forget myself go to the moon, I like that

Despite all this—and I mean this with complete sincerity—they still dispense better financial advice about the cryptocurrency world than CNBC does. Here’s the beginning of the second chorus:

Calm down baby! Tranquilo! The market is not so simple

Fiat money is your shelter, it can be more valuable

Calm down baby! Tranquilo! It’s not just a money game

Stay cool when it’s really hot, trust in the tech of your currency

All that said, I’ve listened to this amazing song so many times today that it doesn’t matter what they’re saying anymore. I’m completely indoctrinated now. All hail Cryptocurrency Girls. Hot day forget myself go to the moon indeed.

Jacob Weindling is a staff writer for Paste politics. Follow him on Twitter at @Jakeweindling.

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