Here Are All of the Unnecessary Plays and Musicals That Have Been Funded by the National Endowment for the Arts

The National Endowment for the Arts has been on the chopping block ever since 1987, when it heartlessly betrayed America by enabling an artist to submerge a crucifix in his own urine. This came as no shock to citizens: The NEA had already funded a plethora of disgusting un-American art, such as the Sundance Institute and the Vietnam Veterans’ Memorial. It had also horrifically helped found the American Film Institute, contrary to its name, is definitely un-American.

The NEA, a government-funded organic hippie dumpster fire which—and this is proven by trusted conservatives—only benefits elitist liberals, is also responsible for such unnecessary services as this arts therapy program for hospitalized military personnel in Fort Belvoir, Virginia. Our boys shouldn’t be making art. The NEA is the reason that our military is weak! The NEA’s clear and utter disdain for American values is also the reason that it blithely forced a theatre upon this small Appalachian town instead of allowing its citizens to continue shooting things.

History says that the NEA was created by Lyndon B. Johnson and Congress in 1965, but we all know that it was actually forged from liberal tears. Since its inception, the NEA has willfully and misguidedly expanded programming for hundreds of regional theatres outside New York City in an attempt to turn Americans into loser homosexuals. Here are some of the sissy musicals that wouldn’t exist without the NEA:

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1. Rent

This purely fantastical musical about straights and gays accepting each other (ha!) would not exist if it weren’t for an NEA grant to the New York Theatre Workshop. Rent was first workshopped at NYTW in 1994 before moving on to Broadway, where it then shamelessly manipulated red-blooded Americans with its evil liberal dogwhistles.

2. Into the Woods

This overrated attempt at turning beloved fairy tales into socialist propaganda was first produced in 1986 by San Diego’s Old Globe Theatre, which received a $195,000 grant from the NEA that year. After this first production, composer Stephen Sondheim was able to tweak his songs into the irredeemable trash that we know today.

3. Rumors

This vomit-inducing Neil Simon farce was partially funded by a 1988 NEA grant to the Old Globe Theatre, where it premiered that year. A mercifully speedy romp about the Deputy Mayor of New York accidentally shooting himself in the ear while trying to throw a dinner party, Rumors had the fake news New York Times calling it “funny.” In actuality, it was so bad that it only won one Tony after moving to Broadway. Sad!

4. Bright Star

A 2013 grant — the very same grant that birthed the politically-correct Hamilton allowed Steve Martin’s nauseating, impotence-causing musical about mid-century Appalachia to premiere at Powerhouse Theater. It was undeservedly nominated for five Tonys — including Best Musical, which it lost to the coma- and premature birth-inducing Hamilton.

5. August Osage County

This Marfan Syndrome-causing Pulitzer Prize-winning piece of garbage premiered at the NEA-funded Steppenwolf Theatre in Chicago in 2007. After miraculously earning a Broadway run later that same year, Osage County went on to win five Tonys via bribery and — after being adapted into a movie — give literal demon Meryl Streep her eighteenth Oscar nomination.

6. Hamilton

Don’t be fooled by its America-centric subject matter. Hamilton refused to give Vice President Mike Pence the respect he deserves, and should thus burn in hell. A $30,000 grant from the NEA provided partial support for Powerhouse Theater’s 2013 staging of The Hamilton Mixtape in New York City. This show eventually became the much-hated, very losery box-office failure that just won five hundred Tonys.

7. 35 More Pulitzer Prize-Winning Plays and Musicals That Have Originated at NEA-Funded Theatres Around the Country

If the NEA hadn’t supported so much regional theatre, then we’d now be blessedly free of 38 of the 43 Pulitzer Prize-winning shows that have been produced since 1965. These shows include such classics as Driving Miss Daisy, which premiered at Playwrights Horizons, and Anna in the Tropics, which premiered at Florida’s New Theatre. The NEA-funded Actors Theatre, located in once respectable Louisville, KY, is responsible for no less than three Pulitzer Prize-winners.

Despite the short-lived rumor that Sylvester Stallone was considering heading the NEA ; thus lending it some much-needed masculine, heterosexual credibility — it is imperative that we murder this government program. Every American agrees that we badly need exactly 0.004% more of the federal budget to go towards military spending. We adamantly want to take the 46 cents in tax dollars that we pay towards the NEA every year and put it towards more bombs. Plus, it costs us taxpayers $183 million a year to protect Melania and Barron at Trump Tower.

As American Senator and Delicate Liberal Snowflake Claiborne Pell once said in a hearing about the National Endowment for the Arts in 1965, “As our cultural life is enhanced and strengthened, so does it project itself into the world beyond our shores. Let us apply renewed energies to the very concept we seek to advance: a true renaissance—the reawakening, the quickening, and above all, the unstunted growth of our cultural vitality.”

Disgusting.