The Ugly American: 10 Reasons Fat Flight Attendants Are Better

One: She’s not that fat. She’s just heavier than your misogynistic mind thinks she should be. I’ve heard tons of chauvinistic dicksacks wonder where all the skinny, young stewardesses went, and I’m here to tell you, they haven’t gone anywhere. The same skinny young stewardess who used to serve you in 1979 is now the normal-sized 50-something flight attendant who has survived the idiocy of her industry to emerge a durable and more independent person.

Two: She’s stronger. She’s the one who is gonna have to carry your drunk ass off the plane if there’s an evacuation. Would you sincerely place this kind of trust into the hands of an anorexic?

Three: She’s your last defense against an onboard terrorist. You want her to have some heft so she can use her training to tackle the hijacker to the ground, not to mention block your whiney, worthless ass from bullet fire and flying box cutters.

Four: She can perform miracles. Proper CPR requires strength and is exhausting, so you’ll want a flight attendant with some substance to revive your dead ass after your heart seizes from eating all those Cinnabons from the concourse food court. I’ve heard cases where it took two hours of CPR to bring a dead person back to life—you have to be of sturdy countenance to perform that kind of miracle.

Five: She doesn’t care what you think about her size. If you give me a minute I’ll remember why this is important.

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Six: Those fire extinguishers are heavy, and it only takes an in-flight fire 90 seconds to rage out of control. Do you seriously think for a second you’re gonna care about the size of the person who is saving your life?

Seven: She’s there for your safety, and you’re a lot safer in the hands of someone who isn’t the size of a fragile, waif-like meth addict.

Eight: Oh yeah, she doesn’t care what you think about her size, which means she’s strong-minded, a quality that comes in handy when negotiating with hijackers, calming schizophrenics who recently went off their meds, stopping horny drunks from copulating on overnight flights and any number of other commotions that commonly happen in-flight.

Nine: She can help you get your carry-on into the overhead bin. Teeny-tiny flight attendants will just make you check it and pick it up at baggage claim.

Ten: She can land the plane. Actually, anyone can land the plane. All they have to do is follow instructions from the tower and push a few buttons. (I know you pilots are gonna scream about this, but seriously, 99.999% of the time your jobs are 100% automated, during which you spend it safely separated from the passengers behind a locked door, while the flight attendants are expected to break up fights, defibrillate dead people back to life, fight fires, handle disruptive drunks, dodge and then clean up projectiled vomit, and throw themselves between you and any nefarious nuts with a mind to storm the cockpit door, which happens way more often than you think. So shut up, thank your lucky stars, and keep cashing your massive paychecks.)

Photo: Rob Campbell, CC-BY

Hollis Gillespie is Paste Travel’s The Ugly American columnist. She is a writing instructor, travel expert and author of We Will be Crashing Shortly, which is on bookstore shelves now. Follow her on Twitter.