We’re almost to the end of a spectacular season 10 in the sociopathic, dirty world of Paddy’s Pub-land, and this week, the gang got a shock when Frank decided to retire from the bar. Let’s recap this sucker, .GIF style.
It begins when the gang find a sinkhole in the bathroom, with seemingly no bottom. They try to throw objects down the hole to hear them hit, and then Mac shines a flashlight in an attempt to see where it ends. After which…
1. Mac throws the flashlight into the sinkhole
Why would he do that? Dennis asks. Well, it was to prove a point about how a light is either on or off, but that there’s no such thing as a “speed” of light. Or, as Charlie puts it, “it was an anti-science thing.” For his part, Charlie hopes there’s a mutant inside that he can befriend. Dennis then points out that they already have a mutant.
2. The Mutant is Frank
The problem, is Frank can’t even be bothered to care. He doesn’t care anymore. He’s depressed, and he needs to quit. With an official proclamation of retirement, he walks away from Paddy’s Pub.
3. The gang is very upset
The question now is, who will inherit Frank’s throne (which is actually an old chair that smells like his ass)? It turns out, they have a succession plan. They wrote it in fanciful language one night after getting drunk in order to protect their legacy, and…
4. They wrote it in blood on a paper plate
It turns out, they’ve decided that the “first born” will inherit the bar, and as twins, Dee and Dennis think they’ve won. But Charlie points out that Frank isn’t their father, but might be his. Dee and Dennis say the name is what matters, but Charlie disagrees:
5. “It’s the blood that binds!”
Mac can’t decide which of them is correct, but instead of taking his time and considering the problem, he just switches sides.
6. Over and over
Charlie goes to Frank to try to prove that they’re father and son, but Frank is in retirement mode and doesn’t want to discuss anything stressful. Meanwhile, Mac has come back to Charlie’s side, but tells him his chief strategy:
7. “I’m going to play…both sides“
“Why would you tell me that?” asks Charlie, and Mac begins to realize the extent of his stupidity…but just barely. When he sees that Charlie no longer trusts him, he knows he has to make a grand gesture.
8. And so he slices his own hand in an unrequited blood oath. And it hurts.
Charlie refuses to touch his bloody hand, so Mac wraps up the wound in a dirty sock. Frank won’t even talk about paternity, so the two realize they’re going to have to take his blood without permission. Which is going to be easy, since Frank has passed out on the couch. They manage to get a bucket full of his blood, but the doctor they take it to is alarmed by the sheer amount they’ve taken. “This is all from one person?” The doctor reveals that there were four types of blood in the bucket—”well, it is a blood bucket,” says Charlie—and that while he can’t determine paternity, he does know that…
9. “Your friend is in desperate need of blood.”
Back at the bar, Dee and Dennis are plotting how they’ll redecorate the bar, and Dee has decided to take on a sinister voice as they discuss strategy. “Think of it brother,” she says. “With them out of the way, we can do as we please…
10. “Two butts, one throne.”
“I’m being arch,” she says, which Dennis quickly shuts down. As they’re arguing the semantics, Mac bursts in and quickly tells them that Charlie is trying to fake a paternity test. He’s telling them, he says, because he’s playing both sides in an attempt to become head of security. Dennis points out the stupidity, which Mac has apparently forgotten, and so to prove his loyalty yet again…
11. He slices the same hand with a lime knife in another misguided blood oath.
Dee and Dennis refuse to shake his hand, but tell him that if he wants to work as head of security, he needs to escort Charlie out the bar. Mac is game.
12. And then he manages to choke himself out.
Charlie is off to Frank in an attempt to get more blood, and, to put things mildly…
13. Frank doesn’t look great.
None of which stops Charlie and Dee (who has joined his side because she’s suspicious of Dennis) from drawing more blood from him in a plastic bag. Their goal is to take it back to the doctor’s office.
14. They make it as far as the hallway.
Mac heard the whole thing, and goes to Dennis to try to leverage the information into a better position. Dennis offers him the role of “pawn,” which Mac loves because he’s always wanted to move diagonal.
15. Dennis is not having it.
Charlie reminds Dee that she was born before Dennis, by seconds, and when they get proof of this, they burst into the bar to confront Dennis. No such luck, says Dennis, because he has an ace up his sleeve. Turns out, Frank had an illegitimate son with an hispanic maid, and that’s when Dennis introduces:
“He doesn’t speak any English, so don’t try talking to him,” says Dennis. Then Frank comes in. Once again, to put it very mildly…
17. Frank does not look well.
18. But Franquito brings him great joy
“Look how beautiful he is!” Frank has decided to come out of retirement since it’s hurting his health, and that he and Franquito will run the bar. At that point, Dennis reveals that he fabricated Franquito; in reality, he’s just some guy he found at a Wawa. The gang are momentarily disturbed, until Dennis reminds them of the sinkhole. Off they go, pleased as peach.
All that remains is Dennis, the mastermind. And Franquito.
19. “Yesss…go play in your hole…you fools.
At that point, Franquito demands his five dollars.
20. “Yes you can get your five bucks, goddam you’re a greedy bastard.”