The 25 Best Tom Haverford Quotes

TV Lists

Recently named one of our 20 Best TV Characters of 2012, Aziz Ansari’s narcissistic-but-lovable Tom Haverford stands out in one of our favorite consistently-funny ensemble casts on television.

Responsible for introducing us to DJ Roomba and Tom Haverfoods, Tommy Timberlake provides quotable one-liners for each episode of Parks and Recreation along with the added bonus of Ansari’s sharp comedic timing and impeccable delivery.

We complied a list of our favorite Tom Haverford quotes from Seasons 1 through 5 of Parks and Rec. It’s today’s little dose of treat yo’ self.

25. Plants
“Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers. Those are some Diddies. Those are some Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, right here. Those Ludacrises are coming in great.” (Episode 2.2, “The Stakeout”)

24. Red Carpet
“How do you make any event classy on a budget? Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet. On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.” (Episode 4.11, “The Comeback Kid”)

23. Sky Mall
“It’s like I’m not even camping. This is actually a dog couch, but it’s super comfortable.” (Episode 3.8, “Camping”)

22. Coattails
“At the risk of bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me. Smiling and taking partial credit.” (Episode 4.3, “Born and Raised”)

21. Ascot
“Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn’t notice.” (Episode 3.6, “Indianapolis”)

20. Politician
“Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.” (Episode 1.5, “The Banquet”)

19. Stealing
“Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don’t Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can’t Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.” (Episode 3.14, “Road Trip”)

18. Oh No Nos List
“When I’m dating someone, I have a list called my ‘Oh No Nos.’ If a woman commits a Oh No No, it can end the relationship. Not loving ‘90s R&B music is #3 on the Oh No Nos list. Girl don’t even know who Ginuwine is.” (Episode 4.16, “Sweet Sixteen”)

17. DJ Roomba
“I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba. Little guy cruises around and plays music. What’s hot, DJ Roomba! DJ Roomba, tearin’ it up! ” (Episode 2.15, “Sweetums”)

16. Work
“Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.” (Episode 5.6, “Ben’s Parents”)

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